


Silence

by UntilDawnClimbingClass



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Attempted Rape, Depression, F/M, Falling In Love, Mourning, Only Nancy and Jonathan are Alive, Sex, Violence, Walkers (Zombies), kind of, somewhat happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-02 06:40:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 65,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12721557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UntilDawnClimbingClass/pseuds/UntilDawnClimbingClass
Summary: It’s been four years since the virus broke out and three years since they found one another. Both of their families are dead.They’re both just grateful to have one another.EDIT: For all my new readers, this story is complete. The 22’d chapter will just be a flashback for one of the character’s, but the official storyline is complete. Enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uploading a new story tonight and will update my other Stranger Things story tomorrow. Hope you guys enjoy this :) 
> 
> The “Major Character Death” isn’t for Nancy and Jonathan, but it’s for everyone else. I have no plans to kill off Jonathan or Nancy in this story.

There’s a black and yellow caterpillar crawling up the brick wall and Nancy stares at it as if she had never seen one before in her lifetime. In fact, she couldn’t actually remember the last time she had seen one. She watched it, not wanting to blink in case this was some elaborate figment of her imagination. She remembered—just for a brief moment—a book her mom used to read to her and her siblings when they were much younger; a book about a caterpillar and all the food he ate before he blossomed into a butterfly. She stared at the caterpillar now, wondering what sort of butterfly it would turn into. Hopefully, it would have the chance to. Everything was always hungry—including the birds. This caterpillar would seem like a very satisfying morsel to snapping beaks.

A shuffle of feet from around the corner of the brick building instantly stole her attention away and her fingers naturally tightened around the handle of her gun, which hung at her side. It may have been daytime and this town seemed pretty much deserted but she wasn’t one to take chances anymore. Those who did never lasted long. When she saw that it was Jonathan, her grip loosened but she kept her gun drawn. Next time, it might not be him.

“It’s clear,” he informed her.

She nodded and pointed towards the wall. “I found a caterpillar.” She almost smiled.

Jonathan glanced towards the brick wall but then back at her. “We should hurry,” was all he said and she nodded, giving one more look to the bug slowly crawling its way upwards. She almost wanted to take it with her but she knew she couldn’t. There would be no purpose to it and it would either be killed or lost along the way.

She followed Jonathan from the alleyway. They walked silently and slipped through the doors of the abandoned grocery store. The doors—once automatic—were partially opened and the front wall of the small store was made completely of glass-plate windows which provided them with light. There were boxes and cans and packages of food scattered amongst paper and plastic bags and overturned carts. It smelled of rotting food—eggs and milk that had long soured and meat that was rotting. It used to make her stomach roll but now, they were all scents she was accustomed to. She took a nearby cart and immediately began towards the canned food aisles. There was no longer electricity and anything frozen had long since melted and was useless for them to eat. Jonathan was silent next to her and set the shotgun he always carried down only to load cans into the cart. Their diets were mostly made up of preserved vegetables now. He inspected each can—checking the dates stamped to the top of them, making sure that they were still secure—and only loaded what he knew they could carry.

“I need tampons,” she reminded him as he looked over a can of corn.

It had been three years since she and Jonathan found each other again. She had left with her family when the outbreak happened, but eventually it was just her to fend for herself. After stumbling around for days upon days, she found herself surrounded by three walkers and had fallen backwards trying to get away. It was Jonathan who saved her. Both being alone and having known each other before the outbreak—even if they hadn’t really spoken back then—they decided to stick together. He was the only one she trusted now.

Jonathan nodded distractedly, not bothered by her words at all (he had long ago gotten over the menstrual cycle talk), and she moved out of the aisle on light, soundless feet. She was mindful of the messes on the floor. Though Jonathan said they were alone, she was still careful not to make a sound. Dodging scattered potato chips, boxes of cereal and an overturned display of boxes of ice cream cones, it almost looked as if she was dancing. When she arrived at the aisle she needed, she poked her head around the corner to make sure it was clear. She knew that it was but there was no such thing as being too careful. She scanned the selection that was still stocked on the shelves as if a new shipment had just arrived that day and she took a box of the brand she used. She still had another week before her period was actually due but she and Jonathan never knew where they were going to be. They didn’t even know where they were headed. East. Simple east.

She heard a crunch sound and her ears immediately pricked to attention. She slowly turned in the aisle towards the sound and, lifting her arms, she pointed the gun, ready to aim and fire. Normally, the shot of a gun alerted other walkers that might be in the nearby vicinity but there was no better way to take one down. One shot in the head and while the walker was on the ground, it was easier to approach and stab it in the back of the neck, severing the brainstem. Jonathan also carried a sword in a sheath strapped to his back and sometimes preferred to cut them down at the knees to render them immobile but she preferred a gunshot. The further she kept herself away from the walkers, the better she felt.

She heard another crunch and then a grunt. Her heart immediately sped up. She knew that sound—all too well. She stood perfectly still, waiting, her heart pounding but her head steady as she kept her arm raised and her gun pointed.

The walker was shuffling past the aisle but as soon as the body picked up her human scent, it stopped and just as it began turning its head toward her, she fired. The gun echoed in the empty store, ringing in her ears, but she didn’t miss and the bullet penetrated the walker in its neck, knocking it off its feet. It landed with a heavy thud. Jonathan seemed to arrive within an instant, skidding to a halt as he saw the walker on the floor, gurgling and choking on its rotted blood. She always carried a knife, strapped to her thigh, and she took it out now, slowly approaching the walker. She could feel Jonathan watching her but she couldn’t meet his eyes. She hated this part but she didn’t want to ask him to do it for her. This was the world now and though she didn’t know what she would do without him, she couldn’t rely upon Jonathan for everything.

“Nancy,” he suddenly said and she finally looked at him. She actually wasn’t sure the last time she heard him say her name. Three days? Maybe four? Sometimes, she whispered her name to herself so she wouldn’t forget.

He was staring at her with eyes dark of concern. Jonathan was a handsome man. There’s no doubt about that. She even supposed there was a small part of herself that was in love with him, but it was something she never allowed herself to dwell on. Jonathan was the only man—the only person—she knew anymore. They never left one another’s sides. She told herself that it was natural to have feelings towards him. It didn’t necessarily have to mean anything.

She shook her head. “I’m alright,” she assured him and he stared at her closely for another moment before nodding slightly.

He took a step back as if giving her some room and she slowly came around to stand at the head of the walker. She slowly slid her gun into her holster and then kneeled down, her fingers grasping the hilt of the knife. Although she had no open wounds on her body, she was still mindful of the blood coming from the walker's neck. It had turned black with its first death and almost looked like thick tar. The disease traveled through the blood and if she was to get any of the walkers blood into her own stream, Jonathan wouldn’t allow her to leave the store.

She shifted the walker's head—it had once been a young man, probably even a teenager—and his hair had been thick and red. She tilted its head forward and with one quick movement, she plunged the blade into the back of the neck, severing the brain from the rest of the body. The walker almost immediately fell still and she extracted the knife before bringing the head gently down, resting it on the ground. She took a deep breath and then another. She could feel her chest start to ache and her throat tighten. She knew it was coming and she tried to fight it off. But it was too strong to stop and once the first tear fell down her cheek, others quickly followed.

She moved her knees out from under her and sat down on the cold floor, sobbing, trying to stop. She heard Jonathan shift and then he was sitting next to her. He didn’t offer her words of comfort and she didn’t want any. They would be empty, useless words that would probably only make her cry harder. Instead, his arm found its way around her back and he sat with her. She wasn’t sure what was wrong with her. This wasn’t the first walker she had ever killed. This had been the world for four years now and there was no more reason to mourn.

Four years ago, the plague spread across the globe like a wildfire and nothing had been able to stop it. Scientists and doctors struggled to find a cure, but millions of people were seemingly wiped out within a few months.  Those who survived began to build a new immunization against the silent, invisible killer and as the virus slowly died away, a new plague took its place. A foreign disease, one never seen before, settled into the blood of those infected and the dead began to rise and with them, the new race was born. Walkers. The world around them died as their numbers grew. The remaining humans scattered and lived as they did now. In tiny packs, foraging for food and shelter and killing any walker they saw. No one knew how many humans were left but the walkers were in the tens of thousands. One day, the human race would completely be killed off and the walkers would have no food.

This was how the world would end. Not with a world war or a nuclear explosion or a meteor from space but with a whimper and a complete loss of hope.

She shook her head at herself, wiping at her cheeks, leaning into Jonathan’s side. They still didn’t speak but his arm remained heavily, protectively, around her back, holding her close. He didn’t often show her affection. In three years, she had gotten him to smile a total of eight times. As they walked, he held her hand to help her with the sometimes rough terrain or when they trained, he stood behind her, covering her hands with his to help her with her aim—with either the gun or the knife—but for the most part, it was almost as if he was avoiding contact at all costs. If he didn’t touch anything, nothing could harm him. She understood—even if she really wanted him to just hug her sometimes.

It was odd to sit there on the floor of a grocery store with his arm around her. Even with the dead walker in front of them, she already felt better with Jonathan next to her.

“There was a calendar in the bathroom at the gas station a couple of days ago,” she said, wiping at her cheeks again but her crying had stopped now. “I think today’s my birthday. I’m not sure but I think it is.” Jonathan was quiet and she turned her head to look at him, their eyes locked together. “I just killed someone on my birthday,” she whispered.

He shook his head. “It’s not a person. It’s not anyone,” he reminds her.

“Look though. He _was_ a person. He was someone. He had a name and a mom and a dad and a home and...he was tall. Maybe he played sports.” A fresh batch of tears began to sting her eyes and she looked away from his penetrating gaze. “It’s my birthday,” she said again, this time in a whisper, and then she paused to think. “I think I’m twenty-one.”

Jonathan lifted a hand and she was surprised when he brushed a loose strand from her face that had fallen loose from her ponytail. He tucked it behind her ear and she looked at him, knowing her eyes showed astonishment at the gesture. “Happy birthday,” he told her and though there was still a weight pressing heavily upon her chest, she felt herself smiling at him nonetheless. “We should get going. It’ll be dark soon and I don’t want to stay in this town.” She nodded and he stood up first. He held out a hand and she took it, letting him pull her up to her feet. He took her knife and wiped the blood off on his jeans before he thrust it back into the sheath on her thigh.

“Jonathan,” she said as he stood. She wasn’t sure how to voice her thoughts so instead, she remained silent and she slipped her arms around his waist, turning her head and resting her ear on his chest. She hugged him. She wasn’t sure how long she stayed there, pressed against him, but eventually, she felt his own arms wrap around her shoulders. She closed her eyes, almost wanting to cry again. She can’t remember the last time she had been hugged.

* * *

  
Walkers were attracted to light found in darkness so Nancy and Jonathan left town after loading on food and other supplies and they abandoned the road to cut through farm fields that had grown wild with weeds. The sun was setting and they wanted to set up their camp for the night before it became completely dark. Once it was night, they wouldn’t light a fire or even turn on a flashlight or lantern. They needed their nights to rest and sleep after full days of walking; not to fight off unforeseen hordes of walkers.

Jonathan walked with long strides, leading the way, and she walked behind him, listening to the wind whistle through the dead stalks of corn. The days were warm but the nights were becoming cold and they each had a rolled up sleeping bag hooked to the pack bags they had on their backs which held all their food, supplies and worldly possessions. She remembered when she was younger. On family trips her parents would drive past a farm and sometimes stopped so her and her siblings could see the animals. She remembered her and Mike, her baby brother, would chase one another through the corn that grew past their heads, the stalks slapping they sharply in the face as they ran.

“ _Mike!” Nancy called out. “You’re too fast!”_

Mike had only laughed and continued to run, leaving his big sister behind.

She could hardly remember what her brother and sister used to look like now. Her parents were faint memories now, too, faces that had slowly been disappearing with each passing month. There were fleeting memories—of her beautiful mother who looked too young to be married with three children. Her father had never looked happy and seemed disinterested most of the time, but she had loved him.

She looked at Jonathan’s back as they walked. She had depended on him for three years and they had gone to school together, and she stills feels like she doesn’t know much about him. She doesn’t even know what happened to his family. Had the plague gotten them or had they become walkers? Her own mother and younger sister had eventually died from sickness and their father had turned. She remembered very clearly the day he killed Mike in front of her. She remembered very clearly how he had tried to knock the door down in the house they were hiding out in, and how she had cut her leg by trying to climb out a window. She still has that scar.

They didn’t know why but the walkers stayed away from animals. Dogs had evolved into wild pack dogs, horses ran freely, the dairy cows had all died from not being pumped but the range cattle slowly moved across the land, chewing on grass and grazing as they once used to. The walkers weren’t interested in their flesh and ignored them. When they stepped from the farm field, Jonathan stopped at the side of a dirt road, listening and looking. She stood next to him, pulling her compass from one of her jacket pockets that she had taken nearly two years before from a clothing store they had sifted through.

“The wind’s changed direction,” she said and then holding a hand above her eyes, shielding them, she looked towards the sky. “It’s going to rain.”

He nodded. “I feel it. We should find some trees to sleep under tonight.”

It wasn’t for the shelter. It was for the water that dripped from the leaves. No one trusted the water anymore. How could anyone be sure that the person handling the water in the factories hadn’t been infected? The only water they trusted now was rain water and any time it rained, they made sure they were able to fill up their canteens, rationing it, never knowing when it would rain again.

“We’ll climb up there,” he pointed towards a distant hill. “We’ll get a better look at the land. We might sleep up there tonight.” Walkers generally didn’t like to climb uphill. It took too much effort and energy that the Dead didn’t possess. He looked at her. “Before the last radio went out, I heard about a settlement on the eastern border of New Mexico. Maybe when we start to get closer, we’ll start to see people.”

There had been a few settlements of people that they had passed, staying the night in a couple. Towns surrounded with fencing and guards that stood with guns at all times. When they entered, everyone would stare at them and Jonathan would say that they were married. She knew why. In this new world, people had become obsessed with the human race surviving and some would go as far as to snatch a women and make sure they could breed. No one even dared to approach her when they saw her next to Jonathan. She hated the settlements. To her, they were almost as fearful as sleeping out in the open with walkers. Some people had truly gone mad with the way things had changed and had become just as frightening as well.

As if reading her mind, Jonathan continued. “We can rest up there and maybe eat something else. We could have proper showers, too. We wouldn’t stay long.”

She nodded automatically. “I know.”

“When we get there, I’ll trade something and get you a birthday present,” he told her.

That made her smile and she laughed softly. “And what do you have that’s good enough for someone to even _consider_ trading?”

He shrugged, looking forward again, to the hill in the distance. “I’ll think of something.” The wind felt colder against their skin and it was picking up in strength. “We need to go. I don’t want to climb a muddy hill in the rain.”

She nodded and this time, they walked side-by-side as they crossed the dirt road, and the next field swallowed them up as they kept moving forward. Always forward.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s going to be a delay on updating my other stranger things story. The file got deleted by mistake because I’m a dumbass and meant to delete a different one. This is entirely my fault and you should hate me.
> 
> But anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Also this story is completely finished (I’ve been working on this longer than my other story) and I’ll be posting a lot of chapters at once. Sorry if that bugs anyone.

It rained all night and the tree they sought shelter underneath offered little protection. They each had raincoats and they had worn them with the hoods pulled securely over their heads. They filled their canteens, gathering the water as it dripped down from the leaves, and they stored them away in their packs. They always took turns at night, one staying awake to keep watch while the other gets some sleep but in the rain, it’s hard to see or hear anything.

They both sat down next to one another and leaned their backs against the trunk of the tree. They sometimes slept in beds in empty houses but most of the time, they slept out in the open. They preferred it that way. In a house, they would be trapped if anything came.

“One year, for my birthday,” Nancy began to speak. “My parents took me to this four-star hotel that had a swimming pool and my mom let me order room service. I think it satisfied her to see the look on my dad’s face, since he was paying for it.” She paused and allowed the memories—no matter how faded they were—to wash over her. She closed her eyes for a moment and listened to the rain fall down on her raincoat. “I really miss chocolate sometimes,” she said then and she practically _heard_ Jonathan smirk though he remained silent. “And that night,” she swallowed the lump in the center of her throat. “I didn’t take anything with me and I’ve never been back. We couldn’t afford it once my sister was born. I had this leather bound journal that I had filled with little stories and drawings and pictures I had found in magazines. I really miss that journal.”

She sighed softly and then rested her head against Jonathan’s arm.

“I’ll take the first round,” he said.

“No. I’m not tired yet,” she said, looking out into the darkness that surrounded them. The rain seemed to lighten up but it still fell steadily. “I think I hear sheep.”

“I saw a flock on the other side of the hill, down in the valley,” he answered.

“Can you tell me something about you?” She asked in a whisper though she didn’t expect him to answer. “I know you liked photography, but that’s all.” Jonathan never talked about himself. In three years, he was her only companion and she didn’t know anything about him. He’s only ever opened up about how he used to have a camera his mom had bought for him and enjoyed taking photographs of random things, but that’s all. It’s like he just can’t bring himself to talk about anything else from his past. Better not to open old wounds.

She could understand that.

Jonathan was so quiet for so long, she didn’t expect him to answer.

“I’ve never liked chocolate,” he then answered softly.

She smiled and lifting her head, she turned it to look at him. He had a scar through his eyebrow that he must have gotten during the first year of the apocalypse. She wondered _how_ he’d gotten it. “I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”

He smirked again. She closed her eyes and kept her head resting on his arm. The rain was steady and soft, almost lulling her away to sleep. Perhaps she was more tired than she thought. She knew she could sleep peacefully because Jonathan was there to keep her safe, but when she closed her eyes she saw the walker she killed earlier, and the desire to sleep disappeared completely. She killed walkers before. One couldn’t live in this world and not—or at least not know _how_ to if they had to—but this one was different. During their long endless trek, she and Jonathan hadn’t come across many children walkers and though the walker in the grocery store hadn’t really been a child, he had once been a teenager. There had probably been at least four years separating them.

She knew she couldn’t talk to Jonathan about this. He despised the walkers with a hatred that made his eyes blaze when he saw one. When he looked at them, he didn’t see things that used to be people. He only saw the monsters with rotting skin and flesh hanging off their bones and their black blood and he wanted to kill every single one of them. He didn’t understand why she had broken down in the grocery store and he never would.

But Nancy, she thought of her father and the night he had turned, when he ripped out her twelve year old brother's throat and then had come after her, trying to attack her. She had never had a moment of greater fear than she had then but afterwards, when she was with Jonathan and her mind riddled with shock slowly began to process what had just happened, she knew her father never would have hurt her. He didn’t mean to. It was the disease in his blood that turned him into what he was. That hadn’t been his fault.

She must have fallen asleep sometime during the night, for when her eyes opened again, the rain had stopped and it was almost dawn, the sky to the east beginning to lighten from black to dark blue. Her head was in Jonathan’s lap and she kept it there, her eyes blinking tiredly. It was still cold and she nearly shivered but she didn’t want to alert Jonathan that she was awake. She wanted to stay like that for just a minute longer. He was warm and the muscles of his thigh offered her head little comfort but she closed her eyes, almost smiling to herself. It still felt nice.

A sheep that had moved slowly up the hill sometime during the night suddenly baa’d and it sounded so close, as if it was right on top of her. Startled, she jolted into a sitting position. Jonathan looked at her with a raised eyebrow and smirked.

“Shut up,” she grumbled at him and then she saw the sheep—two of them—standing a few feet away, chewing lazily on blades of wet grass. They also seemed to be looking at her with amusement. She frowned at them before looking back at Jonathan. He was still propped up against the tree and he was chewing on an expired power bar. “You shouldn’t have let me sleep all night,” she said then.

He shrugged. “You were tired.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be fine,” he said before taking another bite of the bar.

She sighed. “Don’t do that again, Jonathan. If we have to stop this afternoon for a nap, that’s what we’ll do. Unless you have something we have to hurry for?”

“Oh, yeah,” he smirked. “There’s a new movie playing that I was hoping to catch the night showing of.”

“Oh, good! Me too!” She smiled. “Something terribly romantic.”

“With plenty of singing and dancing, no doubt.”

“Of course,” she nodded, almost laughing. “Is there any kind of movie that’s better?”

He was looking at her and she saw his lips twitching. He was about to smile. The ninth smile in three years was about to make an appearance. But then, as if realizing what he was about to do, Jonathan caught himself and turned his head away, shoving the remainder of the power bar into his mouth. She nearly sighed with disappointment but stopped herself. He had said more than two words at once. That was reason enough to think that this morning was already shaping up to be a good one. And with Jonathan, it was all about the little things.

“I walked the hill during the night,” he said, looking back at her. “There’s a grouping of boulders on the far end so you can go to the bathroom there.”

She nodded, standing up, brushing at her jeans. They were damp and muddy and they had formed tightly to her legs. They were going to have to change clothes before they set out. Taking her pack and gun and making sure the knife was strapped securely to her thigh, Nancy turned and walked away from the tree, and Jonathan, crossing the top of the hill to the set of boulders.

She crouched down behind the boulders and began to relieve herself, ripping off a few pieces of toilet paper from the roll she carried in her pack. When she was finished and stood up again, she stripped her clothes off until she stood there in just a pair of white cotton underwear with a small lacy bow at the top. She jumped in surprise when Jonathan suddenly appeared, his gun drawn. Instinctively, she raised her arms to cross over her bare breasts, but she stopped and froze when she saw the look on his face.

“What is it?” She asked, immediately dropping her voice to a whisper.

He held up two fingers and then pointed to the edge of the hill closest to her. She nodded and completely forgetting about getting dressed, she reached for her own gun, checking the chamber to make sure she had a full round and then snapping it back into place. Jonathan dropped to his knees and slowly, he maneuvered towards the edge of the hill. She followed behind him in a crouched position. Pink and purple were beginning to streak across the sky now with dawn and their eyes adjusted once again as the light grew around them.

“Two. That’s what I thought,” Jonathan whispered and she looked over his shoulder. There were two walkers, grunting to one another as if they were communicating back and forth and slowly lumbering up the hill. It was strange to watch. They normally hated climbing and their bodies seemed to naturally follow the flow of the land—almost always downwards. The sight of watching these two attempt to climb the hill, to think that the high ground wasn’t even safe anymore, made her heart pound in her chest.

As if he could hear it, Jonathan looked at her. “Stay up here. You’re not dressed,” he said and she barely had time to nod before he had stood up and leapt over the edge, his feet landing firmly.

She watched as he used both his gun and his sword this morning. Shooting one walker in the knee, knocking it down, he swept the sword across the neck of the other walker, decapitating its head from its body, both the head and the rest of it falling to the ground with dull, heavy thuds. He then did the same to the other remaining walker, dispatching both in under ten seconds. He stood between the two bodies, not even out of breath, and looked up at her, still on the edge of the hill. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest but she managed to give a slight nod, answering his unspoken question of whether or not she was alright.

She stood up and turned her back to him, going back to her pack for a bra and fresh clothes. She heard the crunch of dirt and pebbles under his feet as he climbed back up. He kept a silent watch as she dressed. She tugged on a fresh pair of jeans, a tank top and a sweatshirt over it. She redid her ponytail and then sat back down on a rock, pulling on a pair of heavy socks and then a pair of boots. Though it was going to be warm during the day as they walked, they didn’t prance around in t-shirts and shorts. The less skin exposed to possible walker attacks, the better. She rolled her damp clothes and raincoat and stored them away in a plastic bag. She would hang them to dry that night.

“You need to eat and I need to change, too,” Jonathan spoke and she nodded.

Making sure she had everything, they came out from behind the boulders and returned to the tree. She stood and ate her own power bar though it was heavy like wood on her tongue and Jonathan tugged off his shirts, stripping down to his bare chest. She tried not to look. It certainly wasn’t the first time she had seen his naked body. He was more muscle now than he had been in high school, but not too much. He tugged on a white undershirt, followed with a black and green checkered button-up shirt.

“Here,” she said, swallowing a small bite of the bar. She reached into one of the pockets of her pack and pulled out a wooden comb, holding it up to show him. “Sit,” she said then, pointing to the ground in front of her.

He looked at her for a moment but she simply kept pointing, lifting an eyebrow to him. He exhaled and came over, sitting down on the ground before her. She kneeled behind him and then gently, she began running the combs teeth through his hair, gently and mindful of the snag she was trying to get rid of. She didn’t want to pull on it. She used to comb her sister’s knots for her and the little girl would hiss and cry if Nancy pulled too hard. She now combed Jonathan’s hair with the same tenderness, running both the comb and her fingers through it. They haven’t had a shower in days and his hair was quite greasy, but she didn’t mind.

“You’ve done this before,” his sudden voice surprised her.

She nodded. “For my sister.” She had talked often to him about her siblings, though of course he knew Mike well since his own little brother had been best friends with the boy.

Jonathan turned his head, making her stop the comb’s actions, and he looked at her from over his shoulder. He stared at her with his brown eyes and she stared back, opening her mouth to speak but not knowing what to say.

He was so handsome.

“Thank you,” he said then and she nodded slightly, unable to stop her staring. “We should head out. How do I look?” He asked her.

She let out a little laugh. “Very handsome. You belong in a shampoo commercial.”

He smirked and stood up, turning and once again, he held out his hand, helping her to her feet. They gathered their things and slung their packs onto their backs. Jonathan led the way down the hill and she followed close behind.

* * *

  
They had walked for miles along the blacktop ribbon of road and by mid-afternoon, they had come across another small deserted town. A tumbled weed blew across their feet as if announcing that everything around them had been completely deserted. Still, they took no chances and their guns were out and at the ready. Every desert town they had walked through seemed to be set up the same. The stores and businesses were along the main road and shorter streets shot out on either side lined with small homes.

“We should rest somewhere here,” she told him quietly. “Just for an hour or two.”

She knew he was tired because he nodded instead of telling her that he was fine. They passed by a gas station with the front window smashed out and there was a pile of burnt tires by the road, the stench of burnt rubber still heavy in the air. As they passed each storefront, every window seemed to be broken and she saw dried spots of blood all along the sidewalk. An unsettled feeling crept across the back of her neck.

Jonathan stopped in front of the open doors of the town’s drugstore. It had an ice cream and soda counter inside. He looked around, his gun aimed, but there was nothing but silence surrounding them. He stepped into the store, glass crunching underneath his feet, and she followed. She swept her gun over the main store as he made his way to the back, inspecting the storeroom, office and tiny bathroom. He looked back to her and nodded, allowing his gun to relax. She lowered hers as well and looked around. The shelves were almost completely empty but there were still some things that they could take for later use. There was a rotating stand on the floor next to the door that had once stood, displaying postcards. Oasis, New Mexico, she saw on one of the postcards. She bent down, picking it up, looking at the generic picture of a desert sunset with a cactus on the front of it.

“Here.” Jonathan was suddenly next to her and there was a brown leather journal in his hand, thrusted out towards her. She blinked at it and then tilted her head up, looking at him with curiosity. “Happy birthday. I found it back there. Is it like the one you used to have?”

She slowly stood up, never taking her eyes off of him. He shifted, as if he was nervous or anxious, and she looked down to the journal. She slowly took it from him. It was soft cover and the size of a normal hardback book. She flipped through the pages trimmed in gold and saw how empty they were—as if they were begging her to fill them.

“It’s perfect,” she whispered breathlessly, taken aback by the gesture, and she looked back to his face. “I...thank you.”

He shrugged as if it were no big deal but it was to her. She wanted to hug him desperately but she wasn’t sure how he would handle two hugs in two days. Instead, she hugged the journal tightly to her chest.

“It’s nice to know that you listen to me when I’m rambling,” she smiled, trying to lighten the sudden heaviness between them.

“On occasion,” he said and again, his lips almost looked like he was about to smile. It didn’t form however but Nancy didn’t care. She kept smiling brightly enough for the both of them.


	3. Chapter 3

“You said it’s Oasis?” Jonathan called out from the house’s dining room.

“Yep!” She answered back. “Oasis, New Mexico.”

They still lingered in the desert town and had begun exploring some of the houses, checking to see if there was anything left behind they could use. Guns or ammunition or knives. She carried a first aid kit with her and she was able to replenish the supplies with some things from the drugstore and remaining items that she had found in one of the houses. They were now in another house and this one was the equivalent of a goldmine. Whoever used to live here had loved gardening and the backyard had been taken over by vegetables. Carrots and tomatoes and potatoes, lettuce and onion. It all grew in tangled rows of weeds and debris, struggling to survive though no one had cared for them for years. Most had been rotting on the vine but some had survived and their seeds and roots had given way to newer produce.

Her tongue practically salivated at the idea of fresh vegetables and she stood in the kitchen now at the gas stove with a frying pan. She had cut the onion and the potatoes and their delicious scent as they fried. Jonathan came into the kitchen, holding a worn atlas, opened to the map of New Mexico. He laid it out on the counter next to her and she craned her head over to look.

"We're here," he pointed to a tiny dot in the middle of the state. "And this is Errol," he pointed to another dot in the northeast corner of the state, right on the border. "That's where I heard the settlement is. Somewhere around Errol."

She looked at the spot on the map silently before putting her attention back on her onions and potatoes in the frying pan. "I don't want to go," she said simply and she could feel him looking at her. She didn't care. It wasn't going to make her change her answer or her opinion. She hated the settlements and the days they spent in one were always the most tense and fearful days. She would much rather be out here, in the wide open, with the walkers. Sometimes, to her, the leftover people seemed more dangerous than the walkers.

"It won't be like the settlement in Portland," he told her in a quiet yet strong voice.

She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it. And I don't want to go to Errol."

"Nancy," he sighed and she turned her back to him, turning the stove off and placing the pan on the other burner to cool. "You're coming with me and I'm going to Errol."

She bit down on her tongue so she wouldn't snap back at him. They had gotten into fights and disagreements before. She supposed it was only natural to fight with one's companion when they were always together, day in and day out, twenty-four hours without reprieve. When they fought, they didn't speak for days. She suspected it wasn't nearly as hard for him to not speak as it was for her. It only lasted a couple of days though before she was the first to cave and she began rambling away as if nothing had ever happened. Most of the time, she hardly remembered what their fight had been about.

She could feel his stare intently on her back.

"I have never let anything happen to you," he said softly, strongly, as if reminding her; as if she needed to be reminded.

She kept her back to him and she closed her eyes, trying to control herself. "In Portland-"

"I got to you in time," he interrupted.

"But what if you hadn't?" She spun around to look at him again. His jaw was set and his eyes seemed darker than normal. "What if something had happened to you and then those men-"

"Stop," he ordered sharply and it startled her into silence. "I did get to you in time and I've never left you alone since. I've never let anything happen to you and I won't."

She stared at him and she could feel her stomach begin to roll. The potatoes and onions, the stench of them was making her feel sick. She shouldn't have cooked them. She had just gotten so excited with the fresh vegetables and the gas stove that still worked. She couldn't trust it though. The garden seemed alright but she couldn't be too careful. She exhaled a breath and it sounded shaky to her ears. She crossed her arms over her stomach.

"We need fresh supplies, Nance," he said, his voice again soft and almost gentle this time. "We can only forage for so long before we need something fresh. Fresh bullets, fresh food… people."

"I hate people," she snapped and she knew she was acting unreasonable but in that moment, she really didn't care. They did not have a totalitarian relationship. He did not make all of the decisions for them both. They discussed everything. Jonathan sighed heavily.

“I've tried to forget about what almost happened but sometimes, I'll close my eyes and it's still right in front of me. I can see the man and the way he held me down…" Nancy’s voice trailed off as tears began to form and sting her eyes and she blinked quickly in a weak attempt to stop them.

He stepped forward, the space between them closing, and he rested a hand to her cheek, cupping it. She took a series of deep breaths, trying to gain control over herself again, and she slowly lifted her eyes to look to his face.

"I would have killed every single one of them if anything had happened to you," he said.

"I know," she whispered.

They stared at one another, standing in the middle of the kitchen, everything – the world – silent around them. She covered his hand with hers and gave it a squeeze.

"You need some rest," she told him softly. "I saw a bedroom down here, right off the living room. You sleep and I'll keep watch."

He stared at her for another moment, his eyes searching her face but she didn't know what he was looking for. He slowly lowered his hand. He glanced towards the pan of potatoes and onions before looking back to her. "That smells really good," he said.

"I wish we had bacon. My mom used to cook it with pieces of bacon," she looked towards the pan herself. She couldn't look into his eyes anymore. She was still too upset and too angry and she knew, deep down, that they would be going to Errol.

 

* * *

 

It took him a few minutes but Jonathan left the kitchen and with his own supply of weapons – his shotgun, his handgun, his sword and knives – he went into the bedroom off the living room. It looked as if the couple who had lived there used to sleep in that room. The mattress springs of the old queen bed screeched underneath the sudden weight of his body. Every time he shifted or moved in his sleep, she could hear him.

She left the potatoes and onions untouched and instead, opening a can of green beans from her pack, she went outside and sat down on the top step of the wooden front porch, the flimsy screen door slapping shut behind her. The sun was halfway down the western side of the sky and she figured it was probably a little after three. It was hot and there was a slight breeze blowing that kicked up clouds of dust and dirt. The front grass was dead – yellowed and withered in the sun with no one to care for it – and the bushes that had been planted in front of the house had become overgrown and wild. Weeds poked through the cracks in the sidewalk and metal gate and fence that surrounded the property was rusting in more areas than not. There was a tricycle on its side in a patch of grass and she could tell that it used to be red but the sun and weather had stripped it of almost all of its paint.

She ate the green beans slowly, looking at everything though there was nothing to see.

She thought of Portland. They had been to other settlements before and after but Portland was the only one she could never forget. It had been one of the first they had ever stopped at and they were still learning the ways of the remaining people left to fend for themselves on a planet that was quickly becoming desolate. It had been the biggest settlement they had seen and there had been fences and wires surrounding the few acres of land that the people had fought for and protected. They had had fresh running water from their own filtration system and they even had their own livestock. She had almost cried when she had her first cheeseburger in almost six years. She had been in one of the buildings that had been set aside for visitors, sitting at a table and eating her meal. Jonathan had gone to shower.

Her memory kept hold of it in flashes. A flash of a man with dirty blond hair and a tattoo on the side of his neck. A flash of the man grabbing her and pulling her away and no one stopping him. A flash of him calling her such a pretty girl. There had been a storage room and another man waiting. That one held her down while the blond one was above her. She tried to struggle and scream. Flashes of his breath on her skin and his hands fumbling with her jeans. And then a flash of Jonathan shooting the man holding her down in the shoulder and then the thigh. A flash of Jonathan grabbing the blond man and hitting him again and again. If she closed her eyes, she could still hear the sound of flesh against flesh – over and over. Jonathan hit that man so many times, his face didn't even resemble one anymore and Jonathan’s knuckles were burst open and bloodied.

" _Did he…" he couldn't even ask as his hands held her face, looking at her._

_She shook her head frantically, shaking and crying and she clung to him as he gathered their things and they left the settlement as quickly as possible._

They had gone to other settlements since but they stayed only for a few hours – enough to replenish their needs – and Jonathan always told everyone that she was his wife. And he never left her side. Even as they both showered, the other stayed in the bathroom as well. She hated the settlements more than anything though and sometimes, they knew of one in the area but never sought it out. She didn't understand why Jonathan was so set on going to Errol.

The sudden barking startled her out of her thoughts and her eyes snapped open. She stood up, still holding the can of green beans, and she looked up and down the deserted street. Dogs, once house pets, had evolved into the wild packs they used to be, centuries before, but this had sounded different. This sounded like only one dog and she strained her ears, listening for follow-up. As if it understood, the dog barked again and she stepped off the porch and walked down the sidewalk, heading in that direction. She had her gun and her knife and she left the can of green beans on top of the blue mailbox on the corner. She found the dog a block away, playing in the front yard of one of the houses. The house had an automated sprinkler system and by some miracle, it was still functioning. The water was spraying out, watering the deeply green and lush overgrown grass and the dog – a mutt of black and white and floppy ears – was barking and wagging its tail, bouncing around so the water wouldn't spray him in the face.

She laughed, watching, and when one of the sprinkles rotated on its axis and droplets of cold water hit her chest and face, she laughed more. She stepped onto the yard and the dog wagged its tail at her, panting. She smiled and the water hit her again. She shrieked and the dog barked. It felt so good – so refreshing – and she thought of her sister Holly. She had always loved running through the sprinklers in the summer. And that's what Nancy did now. She began skipping and leaping and the dog barked, playing along, snapping at some of the water as it sprayed at him. She was getting soaked but she didn't care. She couldn't remember the last time she ran through a sprinkler.

It automatically shut off twenty minutes later and water was dripping off of her. From the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of a checkered shirt and she spun towards it, her hand going to the knife strapped to her thigh. It was only Jonathan though, watching her. His gun was drawn and she knew that he had woken up and she hadn't been there anymore. He had probably run out in a panic only to find her here, playing with a dog and a sprinkler.

She smiled, almost embarrassed, but then she laughed. "You should have joined in."

"You shouldn't have wandered off," he shook his head and her smile faded.

"I know. But… I'm okay," she said though the words were useless. Anything could have happened and he wouldn't have known. She would have hated him if he had done the same thing to her. "I'm sorry," she then offered.

He stared at her and then nodded, looking towards the dog. "We should leave him alone. His pack might be near."

"I don't think he has one," she looked at the dog as well. "I think he's like us," she looked back to Jonathan. "I think it's just him." Jonathan didn't say anything to that. She wiped her hands down her wet face. "I'll go and get cleaned up. Did you get enough sleep?"

He nodded. "We'll be stopping again in a few more hours for night. I'll catch up then."

She left the yard and began walking down the sidewalk, Jonathan behind her. They both stopped though when they heard clinking of metal and both turning, they saw that the mutt was following them. He still wore a collar with dog tags around his neck. He looked at them, wagging his tail and then Jonathan looked back to her. She smiled and shrugged.

"Maybe he can help us catch rabbits," she suggested.

"I doubt it," Jonathan looked at the mangy looking mutt uncertainly but the dog only kept wagging its tail and she couldn't help but laugh.

* * *

  
After hours of walking, they found what used to be a cattle barn. They kept the large barn doors wide open so they could look out into the night and they settled themselves down in the piles of hay that remained. The dog had followed them for the rest of the day and now, as they ate carrots and corn, he seemed to be hunting something, his nose planted to the ground, following its scented trail.

"Remember that time I ate the rat meat at one of the settlements in California?"

He nodded as he shoved some corn into his mouth. "You were sick for two days."

"And remember how I swore that I would never eat rat again?" He smirked but said nothing. "If he catches a rat, you and him can share it," she then informed him.

He chuckled but still said nothing. He finished the corn and set the empty can aside. They sat side by side and he settled back into the hay, his shotgun across his lap as he tried his best to get comfortable. She remained sitting, still having a few more slices of carrot to eat. And she wasn't tired yet. Getting a full night's rest the night before had made her feel wide awake. She knew she needed sleep or else she'd be too tired tomorrow but right now, her eyes weren't ready to close.

"You're pretty unbearable when you're sick," he spoke suddenly.

"I am not!" She gasped, her mouth falling open and she spun around to look at him.

He nodded. "You get cranky and demanding."

"I'm sorry that I was heaving my guts out and wasn't apparently acting like the appropriate little Miss Sunshine," she pushed him in the leg, frowning heavily, and he chuckled again.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I didn't think the rat was that bad."

"Of course you didn't. You're not exactly picky," she nearly snorted, shaking her head.

"What?" He looked at her and through the darkness, their eyes both well adjusted, she could have sworn that he was about to smile. She became eager at the thought.

"You eat practically anything. Anytime we're in a settlement and they push some food in front of us, you sniff at it but then you start shoveling it in your mouth. Remember the crickets?" She asked.

"Those were deep-fried and delicious," he argued and she tossed her head back, laughing.

The dog came trotting back, his tail wagging, and something was hanging from his mouth. He dropped it down in front of her, presenting her with the present, and she picked it up. She wasn't even startled when she saw that she was holding a dead snake.

She looked back to Jason and smiled. "Breakfast," she beamed.

He shook his head, smirking. "You won't eat rat but you'll eat snake."

"If my parents could see me now," she laughed and then handing him the snake, she sat up on her knees and rubbed the dog behind both ears, resting her forehead to his. "Thank you so much. The three of us will have a feast tomorrow morning," she smiled. "Do you know what I really miss when it comes to food?"

"Chocolate?" Jonathan guessed, wrapping the dead snake in one of his shirts and then stowing it away in his pack so nothing would happen to it during the night.

"Benny’s Burgers," she sighed. "I really miss Benny’s Burgers. And chicken tenders with honey mustard sauce. And French fries. Oh god, I used to want to eat French fries with every meal. What about you? What food do you miss?" She looked back to him as her hands remained rubbing the dog's ears.

Jonathan was quiet and she suppressed a sigh. He wouldn't even answer the simplest question. She wasn't asking him for his life story. He certainly hadn't given her that over the past three years. She just wanted… something.

But then he said, "Pancakes.”

"I loved pancakes," she smiled. She sat down next to him again, facing him, and she hugged her knees to her chest.

He was quiet again. "My mom wasn’t much of a cook, but she used to make me pancakes every Friday morning," he then said softly and she heard a sadness there. She knew he probably wouldn't want her to but she did anyway. She moved and shifted and sat down next to him. And then she slipped one of her arms through his, hugging it to her chest, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

They sat there in silence for what could have been hours but neither of them slept.

"What if we get a boat?" She suddenly asked, lifting her head. "We don't have to go east. We don't even know if people still have control of Hawkins like we heard. Everyone could have been wrong. Walkers could have taken it over by now. We could go west again. All of the marinas… there has to be a boat that’s still running…"

The shaking of his head made her stop.

"Nancy…" he sighed heavily and he sounded exhausted. "We're never going back to Indiana.”

She wanted to convince him otherwise. She wanted to convince him that they could try. But she kept her mouth shut. She knew he didn't want her to talk right now. She squeezed his arm to her chest and rested her head back onto his shoulder. The night around them was completely quiet and it echoed in her ears. It felt like hours before she drifted off to sleep

 


	4. Chapter 4

_They stepped out into the night, the door closing behind them. There were crickets and it was twilight and she could hear a mosquito near her. She stood in front of him and he smiled as he slid his hands onto her hips, pulling her close. Her own hands slipped over his shoulders._

_"Final verdict?" He asked and she smiled._

_"They loved you."_

_"Yeah, right," he snorted._

_"They did," she insisted, playfully bumping his forehead with hers. "Why wouldn't they? There's no reason for them not to."_

_"We can start with my dad.”_

_"You’re not like your dad, Jonathan. You’re nothing like him. You’ll never be anything like him.”_

_“I’m glad you think so.”_

_“I know so.”_

_He leaned in and she thought he was going to kiss her but he stopped, their noses almost touching. "Thank you for letting me meet them—as your boyfriend, I mean, and not just Will’s older brother.”_

_“I love you, Jonathan.”_

_He smiled. "I love you, too.” He wrapped his arms around her waist tightly and she laughed as he lifted her easily, her feet dangling above the concrete of the driveway. He held her, hugging her tightly, and she turned her head, nuzzling her nose to his cheek._

_"Let's stay here forever," she whispered. "We can stay here and finally be safe.”_

_She wished he would kiss her._

_"We're not safe here," Jonathan suddenly said and his entire demeanor changed. His body was tight with tension now._

_She opened her eyes and pulled her head back to look at him. The scream was caught in her throat and she was frozen there in his arms. His skin started to rot and blood began flowing out of his mouth. "No," she choked but she couldn't bring herself to struggle. "Jonathan!" She then screamed just as the walker brought his mouth down and bit her shoulder._

Nancy woke up with a start but immediately, Jonathan slapped a hand over her mouth. She instinctively began to struggle, the dream – the nightmare – still fresh in her mind but his other arm that rested on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze, communicating silently with her. She looked at him. He was crouched next to her, telling her with his eyes to keep quiet. They were still in the barn and it was still night. It took another moment for her eyes to fully adjust. She then realized that the dog was growling, baring his teeth, his fur standing on end as he faced the open doors of the barn. She didn't speak a word. Her heart leapt to her throat, lodging in the pace, and she could feel her entire body freeze.

Now that he knew she wouldn't make a sound, Jonathan reached beside him and drew his sword from the sheath with a hushed hiss. She wasn't sure what was happening but if Jonathan was reaching for his sword and ordering for silence, she didn't hesitate in picking up her gun. She stared towards the doors, her heart pounding so loudly, it was almost deafening to her ears and a sweat broke out on her palms. She clutched the gun handle. She jumped when the dog suddenly began barking and took off running, disappearing into the night. Jonathan leapt to his feet and she followed his lead. They moved silently to the open barn doors, her body partially hidden behind his and her hold on the gun tightened when he held up five fingers and then stuck his thumb up. More than five. They must have approached as they slept, unaware.

"Shoot what I miss," he whispered to her and then in a flash, he was on his feet and gone.

She remained, kneeling in the large entryway to the barn. More than five. More like twelve. All stumbling and shuffling, closing in. Her blood ran cold as she heard then snarls and their grunting. She hated the noises they made. She saw Jonathan already swiping his sword across one as another approached. The moon was out that night – and full – providing more than enough light. She fired and the walker coming up on Jonathan’s back fell to the ground. After decapitating the one, he spun around and severed the brain stem of the one she had shot. The dog was biting the leg of one of the walkers and she shot that one as well. This time, she only hit it in the shoulder which did nothing to stop it. She fired again, hitting it in between the eyes. It fell with a heavy thud but she was already looking for another. Jonathan had swiped his sword across two and she saw another approaching.

"Jonathan!" She called out before firing. As the bullet connected with the walker in the stomach, Jonathan grabbed one of his knives from his thigh and stabbed it in the neck.

Her hands were shaking and sweating and she paused only to wipe them on her jeans before she aimed the gun again. Six left. Too many. She fired again but missed completely and one of the walkers was getting too close. She fired and the bullet hit him – or what once was a him – in the shoulder. He kept moving forward. She grabbed her knife from her thigh strap and standing up, she fired the gun again. Her hands were shaking too much though and the bullet whizzed past his ear.

"Nancy!" Jonathan suddenly shouted. "Eyes and mouth!"

It was a command that she didn't question. She clenched her eyes shut and pursed her mouth together. She flinched when she felt the walker's blood splash over her and she knew that Jonathan had just decapitated it. She was knocked back a step as the dead again body fell against her before dropping to the ground.

Everything was quiet.

She felt a piece of cloth swipe over her face and she opened her eyes to find Jonathan standing in front of her using one of his tee-shirts to wipe the blood away. She looked around. All twelve walkers were on the ground, their heads separated from their bodies. She looked down at herself and the walker at her feet. His black tar blood had covered the front of her and her stomach rolled at the rotting stench that now cloaked her.

"Thank you," he said as she took the tee-shirt from him, wiping at her neck.

"I didn't do anything," she shook her head. "Where did they all come from?" She asked, looking at the bodies, and she realized her hands were still shaking. Jonathan noticed too and he covered one of her hands with his.

"This used to be a ranch. Maybe these were the people who used to work here," he said.

"I want to get out of here," she shivered and then without looking at him, she turned and gathering her gun and knife, she went back into the barn. She could feel Jonathan following.

They gathered their things and for the next half hour, they walked. Dawn approached and as the sun rose, she could see a view of the desert land they were crossing over – nothing but dirt and scraggly bushes and an occasional cactus. There were also occasional tall patches of grass too that blew in the slight wind that had arrived with the morning. Jonathan stopped suddenly and she did, too, looking at him. He was listening to something and after a moment, she heard it, too. Water.

Going up one small hill and then coming down the other side, there was a small river, rushing over and around a few large rocks that had embedded themselves in the water's path. Normally, they stayed away from water like this – never knowing the source – but normally, they weren't covered in walker's blood. Without a word, they approached the bank and set aside their packs. They had seen each other naked before. Proprietary no longer existed in certain decisions and when it came to surviving and not remaining coated in poisonous blood, modesty certainly wasn't something that made them pause.

They stripped themselves completely of the clothes they wore, tossing them into a pile to be burned and Jonathan entered the water first. When she entered, it was with a shriek. The water was freezing and goosebumps immediately fleshed across her skin. He smirked and she glared at him.

"Shut up," she grumbled but he smiled this time. Actually smiled. The ninth smile. And the sight of it made her own smile burst across her face. She loved when he smiled. He looked so relaxed and… happy.

She pushed some water towards him playfully and then laughed when he retaliated, splashing water back towards her. She quickly turned her face away and she laughed, shrieking when she splashed him again and this time, he laughed, too. They were both trying to forget what just happened and she was happy for the distraction. She dipped herself beneath the surface, submerging herself, holding her breath for almost a minute before she popped herself back up again. Jonathan had tilted his own head back into the water and his hair hung heavily now, dripping rivulets of water down his shoulders and arms. She gathered her hair back and squeezed it before letting it fall.

"Here," he said, coming to stand in front of her. His thumb swiped at her jaw by her near where there was still a stain of blood. He rubbed her skin slowly and with slight pressure.

She stared up at him. She couldn't help it. She thought of her dream – before the nightmare had set in; when it had still been a dream. Her throat grew dry. What had her dream meant? They had been so affectionate together and so happy. It had been clear to her that they had been in a relationship and were having dinner with her parents. Clearly, they cared deeply for one another if they did something like that. But that part hadn't been just part of her dream. She did care for Jonathan. It would be impossible to go through everything they've gone through in the past three years and not care for one another. But the dream… it had been different. She had been in love with him. And then… then he had turned into a walker and had bit her. What was that?

At the thought of him turning, at the thought of anything happening to him, it made her lift a hand to his cheek and she stared into his eyes. He seemed to go completely still and his eyes locked with hers—

He suddenly took a step back from her. It was as if he had seen her earlier dream and he wanted no part of it. She instantly felt the distance.

"Do you have to always do that?” She couldn’t help but snap. “Why are you so afraid to get close to me?”

"Why are we talking about this?" He asked her.

"Because I've never been kissed and I want you to kiss me!" She snapped at him, surprising even herself. This time, the surprise didn't just flash in his eyes. His face couldn't mask the expression. She had completely just thrown him for a loop and she knew it because she was twirling around that same exact loop as well. She took a deep breath. "I almost kissed Steve Harrington but then everything went to shit and I found you and I've been with you ever since. And there's so much that I haven't done and I'm twenty-one. Is wanting you to kiss me so awful?”

"You sound like a child right now," he fired back.

The instant he said the words, she could see that he regretted them but she didn't care. The prick on the back of her neck had turned into dozens of red-hot needles stabbing the top of her spine. She didn't say a word to him or even glance at him as she turned and swam to the bank where their packs were. She was soaking wet as she walked from the river and grabbing her things, she found a grouping of bushes she stomped to go behind. They each carried a towel with them and she pulled hers out now, rubbing the white fluffiness over her body, drying off. The sun was fully above the eastern horizon now and it was already warm out. She heard a rushing of water but she didn't turn to see him come out of the water. She took her time getting dressed in her last change of clothing. They would have to stop somewhere and stock up on some more.

She tried not to be hurt and she cursed at herself when she felt tears pricking her eyes.

"Nancy," she whispered harshly to herself. "Do _not_ do this. You _are_ acting like a child," she scolded herself but it didn't help.

The pricking grew hotter, stung more deeply, and she slowly sat down in the dusty dirt in a purple pair of panties and a white bra. Why did she want him to kiss her so badly? And why wouldn't he? She knew why to both questions. They had just fought off and killed a dozen walkers that morning, breaking through their already fragile existence. What if he had been bitten that morning, making her nightmare come true? He would have died, she would have killed him, and she then would have been all alone. Her chest ached at the idea of being alone without him. For three years, Jonathan had been all she had known. And that's why he wasn't going to kiss her. It was just the two of them. He probably thought that she was only wanting to kiss him because he was the only one available. Was he right? She rubbed her forehead. She didn't know.

She wasn't sure how long she stayed behind the bushes but when she emerged, fully dried and dressed, he had started a fire and had tossed their ruined clothes into the flames. They were now nothing more than charred fragments of fabric. His hair was still a bit damp but he was fully dressed now as well. He had started another fire, a few feet away from the first, and he had skinned the snake, roasting it slowly on a stick. He looked at her as she approached but she still wasn't meeting his eyes. She was surprised to see the dog laying stretched out near the fire, sleeping. She had almost forgotten about him.

Without a word, she sat down across from him on the other side of the fire. She looked towards the river as she began combing through her hair and then she began braiding it. The fire popped and the wood split and cracked and provided a warmth that wasn't needed in the desert during the day. Jonathan slowly rotated the stick, making sure the snake was thoroughly cooked on all sides. Neither spoke to one another. She dared a peek at him from her under her eyelashes. He was so handsome and it wasn't the first time she thought that. There truly was a part of herself that was in love with him but she knew that he probably would never feel the same. She was probably like a sister to him. How awful was that? She wanted him to kiss her – just so she could know what it felt like – and he probably saw her as just a survival companion, the girl he saved and couldn’t get rid of since.

"Here," Jonathan was suddenly in front of her, holding one half of the now cooked snake for her to take. "Well done. Just the way you like it."

She found herself hardly able to look at him. "Thank you."

She began to take small bites of the snake, mindful of the bones, and Jonathan went to sit back on the other side of the fire, beginning to eat his own half.

"Is it good?" He asked.

She nodded. Snake was actually surprisingly good. The meat was a little fine but it honestly tasted like chicken or pheasant.

Eating snake after swimming naked with a boy in a river. Everything in her world had certainly changed and she could obviously say that it hadn't been for the better.

But then she looked at Jonathan across from the fire, watching her as he ate, and she knew that just because he didn't want to kiss her, things obviously could be a lot worse


	5. Chapter 5

He stood directly behind her, his arms stretched out alongside hers and his hands covering hers. The walker was a few hundred feet in front of them, shuffling from the thicket of trees ahead. The gun felt heavy in her hands and the sun beat down on them. She could feel a drop of sweat slowly rolling down her back, underneath her layer of shirts, between her shoulder blades. She wiped her tongue above her upper lip and tasted salt. She hated the desert. She missed the snow and the cold. She missed a lot of things.

"Concentrate," Jonathan said, his voice directly in her ear, able to sense her mind wandering. She took a deep breath and nodded, flexing her fingers around the handle of the gun. "In the grocery store, when you took that walker down, you aimed for where?"

"The head," she sighed. She frowned, turning her head and looking back at him from over her shoulder. She felt a shiver tear down her spine as Jonathan stared at her for a moment and then cupping her chin, he gently turned her head forward again. Her entire body was stiff, all too aware of his body standing so close to hers. He was too warm and she was too hot and letting her frustrations mount, she squeezed the trigger suddenly.

The shot tore out and echoed against the endless desert sky and bounced from the mountains off in the distance. She wasn't sure where the bullet went but it didn't hit the walker as it continued shuffling towards them.

"It's still too far away," Jonathan said. "Wait until it's completely out of the trees first."

"I don't want to wait for it to get too close. That's why I have a gun," she sighed.

Jonathan’s hands squeezed hers. "Concentrate," he advised again.

She shifted on her feet and tilted her head to one side, cracking her neck. She exhaled.

"There's always a sense of urgency but you also need to have patience for the perfect shot. Pretend these are the last bullets you have. You can't waste them. Pretend that there's a walker coming for me and I don't see it. You have to save me, Nancy."

The image from her dream, of Jonathan becoming a walker, was far too fresh in her mind and her hold on the gun loosened. He felt it and his hands covered hers more firmly, making her keep holding it up, aiming it towards the walker. It was still too far away to take a shot and she turned her head to look at him again. Their eyes met and she felt a flutter at the base of her throat. There was still a lingering embarrassment from her behavior that morning in the river but he was acting as if nothing had happened and she wasn't sure if she was grateful for that or not. She hated acting immaturely like she had. She had matured fast – there was no other option. When the plague had broken out, she had just been a normal, dumb teenage girl and acting like a spoiled brat wouldn't help anyone.

Every day, she and Jonathan walked east, fighting walkers and searching for food and they had so many other things to worry about – staying alive being the main one. She looked at him and thought that he must have the patience of a saint to put up with her behavior.

"I…" she opened her mouth to speak and she knew what she wanted to say but she didn't know if she should, the events from that morning in the river, playing over and over again in her mind. It wasn't important. She shouldn't bring it up again. "I don't know what I'd do without you," she whispered and she knew she shouldn't have said it but she didn't want to take it back either. It was the truth. She would have been dead long ago if she hadn't run into Jonathan after that first night. He had kept her safe ever since. And how did she repay him? Turning into some overly emotional, overly hormonal girl who couldn't even shoot and hit something when he needed her to.

Jonathan’s hands were still covering hers and he gave them another squeeze. "I'm not going anywhere," he told her and only he could say something so firmly and yet, remain being gentle at the same time. "And neither are you," he then added.

"You know that whole survival of the fittest?" She asked, swallowing the patch of dryness in her throat but it crept up again and settled itself down. She needed water. She needed to step away from him and divert her eyes from his but she couldn't look away. After three years, she still was unable to read them. "I think, sometimes, a mistake was made… with me," she whispered. He opened his mouth instantly but she shook her head. "You don't have to try to convince me or comfort me or… anything. It's true. I would have been dead a long time ago if it hadn't been for you. And I need to say I'm sorry." He was frowning now and she licked her lips nervously. "I'm going to say I'm sorry now because if there was ever a walker after you… I wouldn't be able to save you."

Jonathan was silent for a moment and she wished she was clairvoyant. When she and Mike were younger, they would play and pick one superpower if they could have any. Mike always chose the power of invisibility while she always chose the power to stop time. Years later now, she thought about it and she would definitely switch her power to mind-reading. She wished she could read his.

"I think…" he paused as if trying to choose his words carefully. "I think you're a lot stronger than you think, Nancy. You may not believe that but I do."

She had absolutely no idea what to say to that. He had made her completely speechless. She stared at him and her heart fluttered again. She may not have known that much about him but even though he was a man of few words, when he spoke, it was always in truth. She knew that much about him.

"Thank you," she said quietly and then gathering her strength, she forced herself to look away, to set her eyes forward again.

The walker was nearer now – much nearer – and she straightened her arms to take aim. Jonathan’s hands held hers but he didn't guide her. He let her do the work but he made sure his presence was known. If she needed him, he was there. She wondered if he had any sort of idea how much comfort that offered her.

She took a deep breath. The walker had been once a woman with blonde hair – clumps of the long strands still attached to her scalp. Her skin was pure white to match her eyes and it was wrinkled from the decay of death. There was a red and festering gash on the side of her leg and one on the side of her face. For a fleeting moment, she thought about the walker and the woman she once had been. Had she been a wife? A mom? What had she done with her life? Had she been kind or cruel? Had she had those who loved her? Had she loved those around her? She couldn't have these thoughts. She wasn't a woman anymore. She was a walker and if she got to them, she would bite their flesh without pause and turn them into something just like her.

She squeezed the trigger again. This time, the bullet hit its target but only in the arm.

"Good," Jonathan nodded behind her. "Just a little to the right." He guided her hands slightly to the right. "Remember the grocery store. You brought that walker down without hesitation. Take your time but don't think too long. You need to let your instincts take over. Close your eyes."

"What?" She sputtered but one of his hands was already covering her eyes.

"Shhhh," he hushed her. "It's dark. You can't see it but you know it's close. Your eyes are useless. What do you do?"

"Jonathan-" she began to protest. When his hand remained over her eyes, she sighed. "What do I do? Easy. I depend on you to take care of it," she replied.

He snickered but then sobered. "Seriously, Nancy. If you can't see, what do you do? What other senses do you use?"

Deciding to indulge him, knowing that he was a far better fighter than her and she trusted him more than anything or anyone, she gave in. She closed her eyes and concentrated. She could hear the soft breeze blowing in her ears; could hear Jonathan breathing; could feel the rise and fall of his chest behind her. He was close enough where his body brushed against hers and she could feel his heat. She could smell something, too. Smoke and ash lingering on both of them from the fires that morning. She could also smell… rotting. The decayed flesh of a walker. She hated that smell. She then heard the groan coming from its throat and she suddenly fired the gun, surprising even herself.

Jonathan’s hand immediately left her eyes and she opened them, her mouth falling open upon seeing the walker on the ground, gurgling and choking on her blood. She had been shot in the throat. Nancy stared at it in shock before slowly turning her head to look at Jonathan. He grinned widely at her. Smile number ten. Two smiles in one day.

"I did that?" She asked in a hushed tone. "With my eyes closed? You shot it, didn't you?"

"You know I didn't," he shook his head, still grinning.

"How did I do that?" She questioned, hardly believing it.

"You trusted your instincts. They're stronger than you think. They were showing you that," he explained. He reached out and took the knife strapped to her thigh. "Finish it." He held the blade in his hand, extending the handle towards her for her to take.

She took the knife and slowly approached the walker, struggling on the ground, choking. It saw Nancy and one of her rotten hands reached out to grab hold of her but she dodged it, kneeling at her head. Lifting it, she couldn't watch as she stabbed it in the back of the neck. The walker fell still and the field they stood in fell silent.

"Good," Jonathan nodded his approval. "You did better than good."

"So, I just need to shoot with my eyes closed from now on?" She asked, forcing a smile. She stood up, her legs feeling a bit shaky. She would never get used to stabbing someone – no matter if it was a walker in the back of the neck like that.

"Practice makes perfect," was all he said. He began gathering their things. "I figure those mountains are about a day's walk away. We'll start climbing and camp out there tonight and tomorrow, continue up and then down. We're getting close to the border."

And to Errol. The words were unspoken between them but she knew they were both thinking the same thing.

"If we pass anything, though I doubt we will… we're out of clothes," she reminded him. The clothes they were wearing was all they had left.

Jonathan nodded and then crouched down, opening up his pack. He had taken the atlas from the house in Oasis and he opened it now to the map of New Mexico. She came to stand next to him, peering down to the state that stretched across the two open pages. He pointed to where they both thought they were.

"There's a town on the other side of the mountain down at the base. We'll land right on top of it. We'll get there tomorrow if all goes well and we can stock up on what we need – if they have it," he decided and she nodded.

"What's the town called?" She asked, leaning over to get a closer look at the small black dot on the map.

"Dancer," Jonathan read and then standing up, he closed the atlas again. "What are the odds of Dancer, New Mexico having a mall? Maybe we can get a larger variety of shirts and jeans this time around."

She laughed a little, taking a step back, giving them both more space. "I knew you cared about what you wear!" She teased.

“Not exactly. I just…" he sighed as he put the atlas back in his pack and then lifting it, he swung it onto his back. She waited, curious.He was about to say something but then in an instant, his face turned red in embarrassment and he asked, “Are you ready to go?”

She nodded and hoisted her own pack onto her back and they both looked around, making sure they had everything. Jonathan then led the way and she followed with the dog – who had apparently decided to become their traveling companion – brought up the rear, trotting. They walked in silence, cutting back towards the road and then following it towards the mountains. They loomed ahead but she knew that they were further than they appeared.

The sun rose higher and the temperature grew hotter. She wanted to take off at least one of her layers but she knew she couldn't. The strap of her canteen was slung across her chest and she unscrewed the cap, tilting her head back and taking a sip of the warm liquid. It soothed down her throat but she had to force herself to stop after just a couple of sips. They had enough water to make it through the next few days but they didn't know when it would rain again. Looking ahead, she saw Jonathan take a swig from his canteen as well. Perhaps he was anticipating on Errol having sufficient water supplies.

Errol. Just thinking about it almost made her shiver. She had no idea why Jonathan was so determined and stubborn to get there. This was different than the other settlements after Portland. Jonathan understood her apprehension and had always kept her close and safe but this time, he seemed to be completely disregarding her feelings on the matter. That didn't sit well with her at all. Before the radios had all ended transmissions two years earlier, had he heard something about Errol? Was there something particularly special about it? After Portland, Jonathan had never shown quite this level of enthusiasm for nearing a settlement. If anything, he used to have the same feelings towards them as she did. But something had changed in him and she had no idea what it could be.

They stopped to rest when the sun was directly above them. They sat down in the dirt next to the side of the road, positioning themselves in the shadows of two cacti and as Jonathan opened two cans of baked beans, she poured some water in the palm of her hand and the dog lapped at it eagerly, greedily.

"Don't give him all of your water," Jonathan told her but she shook her head, pouring more into her palm for the dog.

"I'm not going to let him go thirsty, Jonathan," she replied quietly.

"Your hydration is more important than a dog's, Nancy," he said but then left the matter alone as he helped himself to a forkful of the beans.

Over the years, and after many experiments and trial and errors, they were slowly able to compile a list of canned foods their stomachs had adjusted to and were able to consume. Besides canned vegetables, they were able to handle cans of baked beans and cans of Chef Boyardee though the ravioli bits sometimes made her stomach churn. She took a small forkful of beans now and ate as she rubbed her other hand down the dog's back. The tags he wore around his neck still informed her that his name had been Kermit. She smiled. She liked that. But she could imagine the collar weighing heavily on the dog's neck in this desert heat. She unclasped it and put it aside, rubbing the dog's now bare neck. He was wagging his tail at her and she smiled again.

"I always wanted a dog. My dad was allergic though to anything but turtles," she joked.

"So did you have a turtle?" Jonathan asked, eating more beans, almost done with his can.

"I had a goldfish," she said. "I bought him for ten cents from the pet store. One of those that were only supposed to live for about a week. Frank lived for five years. He was some sort of super fish," she smiled and Jonathan’s lips twitched. "What about you? Any pets?"

"A dog. Chester.” He ate another forkful of beans and exhaled a heavy breath. "I actually really miss him," he then admitted. "He was a good dog." A look she couldn't identify swept across his face and she wasn't sure why but she wanted to reach out and take his hand. "During the plague…" he cleared his throat and shifted on the hard ground. "There was no food left."

He didn't have to finish. She could finish the story for herself and her stomach twisted painfully for him. She set aside her can of beans and crawled across the dirty, setting herself down next to him. He pretended as if he didn't notice and continued eating, his plastic fork scraping along the metal inside of the can. She drew her knees up to her chest and tilting her head to the side, she rested it against his bicep. He didn't seem to mind and finished the rest of his beans. They both sat for a few quiet minutes.

"You need to eat so we can start walking again. I want to get up those mountains by nightfall," he told her and though she nodded, she made no move to reach for her can.

"Why do you keep me around?" She asked softly, unable to keep herself from asking. She felt Jonathan’s body stiffen but she didn't lift her head to look at him. "That night, when you found me, you could have left me there. You could have left me a thousand times since then. But… you haven't."

Jonathan is silent and still tense. If she wore a watch, she swore that would have been able to hear the minutes ticking by. Still, he said nothing and she wasn't sure what she wanted to hear him say. She was certain that she would never understand his reasoning behind it.

"You should have left me that night," she whispered.

Jonathan leaned forward and grabbed her can of beans. He pushed it gently into her hand, his fingers lingering on hers as he passed it to her. "Eat, Nancy," he said softly. That was all he said.

She guided a small forkful of beans to her mouth and as she chewed, a sudden thought – a sudden memory of elementary school came rushing to her. She smiled, almost laughing. Jonathan looked at her curiously.

"If I was to say right now, beans, beans, the musical fruit, would you think I was crazy?" She asked.

His smirk was slow to form but his eyes betrayed a hint of amusement. "I would know exactly what you were talking about.”

She laughed slightly, nudging him playfully in the side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Nancy could shoot well in the show, but the part with her and Jonathan practicing in the beginning, to me, was too cute to resist and I had to add it in.


	6. Chapter 6

 She couldn't hold in the laughter and it bubbled up from her throat. "Perfect," she nodded, smiling broadly and then stepping aside so he could see his reflection in the lengthwise mirror. Jonathan looked for a moment and then his eyes shifted to her, one of his eyebrows lifting. She laughed again. "What? I think you look very handsome in it," she pushed herself up on her toes and ran her fingers along the bill of the black fedora hat sitting askew on top of his head. "You don't like it?" She asked, looking into his eyes.

He shook his head. "I don't need it. It's not very practical, Nance.”

"So?" She kept her smile in tact as she shrugged. "I think it looks great on you."

Dancer, New Mexico was a small town that was lost to the shadows of the mountains that surrounded it. It was completely deserted, white sheets still hanging from doorways and tree branches in front of the houses, floating weightlessly in the breeze that blew. During the plague, it had become custom to hang a white sheet outside of one's home if there was sickness inside. She had counted and every single house they passed upon walking into Dancer had had a white sheet. It was as if the entire town had died from the plague. A coldness had gripped the back of her neck and was now only beginning to ease once she and Jonathan had walked into the clothing store. Despite the miniscule size of the town, there was a small department store – children's clothing and housewares in the basement, women's on the main floor and then the men's selection was on the second floor. That's where they stood now, gathering more shirts and jeans for Jonathan.

“I think you're very handsome," she then said softer before she could stop herself.

His eyes jerked back to look at her and she was glad that the store had lost its power and they were working by way of flashlights and lanterns. It was easier to hide her blush in the almost complete darkness like this. She had just sworn to herself that she would stop acting like this and here she was, doing exactly the complete opposite of what she knew she shouldn't. She had already embarrassed herself in front of Jonathan too many times to count – not just over the past two days but over the past three years. It was time to stop.

"Here," he said and then taking the hat from his head, he dropped it onto hers. The moment of awkwardness was gone and she smiled, putting both hands on it, adjusting it over her hair. "You look good, too," he nodded, his lips twitching, and she smiled up at him before turning her head towards the mirror. "Take it. We can both wear it." He then turned and hoisted up his pack, sliding it onto his back. "Come on. Your turn," he picked up the flashlight and his shotgun and waited as she put her own pack on and then taking her lantern, she followed him down the dark aisle way, heading towards the frozen escalator. They walked in silence, both of them at full attention because although Dancer seemed completely deserted, being too careful was the only way.

Downstairs, on the first floor, it was her turn to lead and Jonathan followed. She paused though when she saw the juniors' section of the store. She held the lantern up, looking at the wide selection of tulle, satin and silk – all bright colors and almost sparkling like rare diamonds, waiting to be discovered and claimed. She glanced at Jonathan from over her shoulder and she offered a sad smile and explanation.

"Prom season," she said softly. She reached out and lightly touched a strapless dress of purple satin with a wide princess-style skirt.

"I sometimes forget…" he said just as quietly and rubbed the back of his neck. "We missed out on a lot of things…"

Her smile was more true this time and she looked at him again. "I can honestly say that in four years, I have never thought about how I missed out on going to prom. There have kind of been more important things going on." He smirked a little. "What about you? Did you want to go to prom?”

He shook his head. "Dances were never my thing." He glanced at her before back to the rows of dresses in front of them.

"Oh," was all she said. “Why?”

He shrugged.

She abandoned the dresses and began walking towards the shelves of jeans against the back wall. He followed her, the circle of light surrounding them completely as if it was fighting away the darkness that otherwise was trying to engulf and swallow them whole.

He stood nearby as she began sifting through the blue jeans, searching for her size, determining what sorts of styles she wanted. As she bent forward to remove her boots, she remembered the fedora was still sitting atop her head and she quickly stopped it from sliding off with a hand. She stripped out of the jeans and began pulling on different pairs, trying them on. He leaned against the wall behind him, his eyes sharp as he kept a lookout over the abandoned store stretched out before them.

“I just...I had my reasons. For not going.”

"Please, stop, Jonathan. Too many details. My brain can't handle it all at once," she teased.

He smirked. "I don't know why you think I'm fascinating."

"I just do. Maybe it's because I don't know anything about you," she reminded him. She gathered the three pairs of jeans and rolling them up, she stuffed them into her pack. She then tugged on her old pair followed by her thick socks and boots.

"You know enough," he responded in a way that told her he wasn't going to talk any further about this. But he surprised her. Suddenly, he asked, "You really think knowing what my favorite color is or favorite food really gives you some great insight into me?"

She was stunned for a moment, not sure what to say to that. She took a few moments to think about it and she swung her pack back onto her back. She could feel him following her as she turned and began looking for some shirts to take as well. He was close enough so she could feel his warmth and hear him breathe but not close enough for them to touch.

"I think…" she paused to choose her words carefully. "I think that every single thing you like or dislike, it's these small pieces of you that have created this guy that I've known for the past three years. And the more I get to know you, what you let me know, it's like trying to figure out all of the pieces and solving the puzzle."

She could feel him staring at her but she didn't look at him as she stuffed the variety of different shirts into her pack. Neither of them said a word and she grabbed a pack of extra socks and underwear as they made their way out of the store. Finding an easy passage up the mountain and then down again had taken more time than they had thought and the sun was lowering in the sky. They walked down the middle of the main street – she on one side of the double yellow line and he on the other, Kermit the mutt trotting behind them. They still didn't say a word to one another. There was a small rock and she kicked at it, listening as it bounced on the worn asphalt. She began humming to herself – a tune she didn't recognize and made up as she went along – and from the corner of her eye, she felt Jonathan glancing over to her. She pretended not to notice.

He reached out suddenly and took her hand, grasping it. She stopped walking, looking at him and he cocked his head towards the gas station. She nodded. They still didn't speak. She followed him into the gas station, their guns drawn. He did a quick sweep of the room before he stealthily moved towards the back rooms. All clear. She hoisted herself up onto the counter next to the cash register. She swung her legs back and forth and watched Jonathan as he walked up and down the aisles of the small convenience section, looking to see if anything could be of use to them.

There was a small turnstile of cheap plastic lighters and she took one, flicking it open sparking the flame. She was surprised it worked. It seemed like everything else was broken. She stared at the fire for a moment before she flipped the lighter closed again. She took four others and slipped them into the front pocket of her pack. Jonathan had gathered a few things and he came to dump them onto the counter next to her. He picked up a plastic honey jar in the shape of a bear and handed it to her. She gave him a small smile and flipping open the cap, she squeezed a drop onto her index finger. She sucked it into her mouth, tasting the thick sweet syrup and she nodded, smiling at him with her eyes and then offered it to him. He took a few drops onto his finger as well and she tried not to stare as he sucked his finger into his mouth.

"I miss sweet things sometimes," she said, taking the jar back from him, dropping another pearl of honey onto her finger. "I mean, it's not chocolate sauce but I'll take what I can get." She sucked the finger into her mouth and Jonathan was the one watching her now.

"I don't really remember what honey tastes like," he admitted. "It tastes alright?"

She nodded, still sucking the remnants of honey from her finger, and she tilted the jar back so she could read the expiration date printed on the bottom. It actually expired one year from now. She didn't know honey lasted for so long.

"Green."

She looked at him at the sound of his gruff voice. She removed her finger from her mouth. "Green what?" She closed the cap on the honey jar.

"My favorite color. Green," he answered just as gruffly.

She paused for a moment, blinking at him, and then a slight smile pulled at one corner of her mouth. "Green. Green is nice.”

He pulled down on the front brim of the fedora. "Are you going to wear that all of the time now?" He asked.

She smiled. "I think so," she put both hands on the sides, tugging it down further on her head. "I think I look adorable," she then joked and he smirked, nodding slightly. "So what's the plan? It'll be dark in a couple of hours."

Though she figured that he probably had it memorized by now, he took his pack off and dropping it on the floor, he pulled the atlas out, opening to New Mexico. They both leaned in and looked to where they were.

"We'll reach Errol by tomorrow night," Jonathan predicted.

"Great," she sighed and looked away. There was a pressure in the center of her chest that she did her best to ignore. It was almost impossible though and she exhaled a shaky breath. "Jonathan, I have a really awful feeling about Errol," she whispered.

"I know," he said and then she felt his hands on her cheeks. He physically turned her head back towards him and he locked their eyes. "I promised you already, Nancy, and I'll promise you again. I'm not going to let anything happen to you," he said lowly.

She swallowed, unable to look away from his intense stare. "I've been thinking… maybe you could go into the settlement and I can stay back… wait for you… Maybe there are mountains nearby-"

His deep frown promptly cut her off.

"We're not separating," his hands fell from her face and he took a step back. "Don't even think of something like that again."

"What's in Errol?" She asked because she couldn't not ask any longer.

He shook his head and then he crossed his arms over his chest while his legs stood apart. She recognized the stance well. He was becoming defensive.

"If you don't tell me what's in Errol, I'm staying right here and I'm not moving. You'll have to go on without me," she said, jutting her chin out, praying her voice sounded strong though the idea of Jonathan actually moving on and leaving her there terrified her.

Something flashed in his eyes – anger perhaps. She couldn't tell.

"I'll carry you," he practically growled.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Tell me."

They remained like that, arms crossed, eyes locked; two gunslingers in an old western town at high noon. She wasn't going to back down though. She refused to. This was too important and this was about her, too. She was going to Errol, too, and if there was a reason, she had every right to know what it was.

After what seemed like an hour had passed, Jonathan exhaled a heavy, frustrated sigh.

"I think my brother might be in Errol," he said and immediately, she felt her eyes widen.

"Bro— _Will?”_ Jonathan never mentioned that Will could still be alive! And why would Will be in some small desert town like Errol? And why couldn't he have just told her this earlier?

Jonathan exhaled again, this time through his nose.

“We were ambushed. Me, my mom, Will and chief Hopper. Hopper killed as many as he could but...there were just too many. And then my mom went down. I—I panicked, and...I told Will to run, that I would be right behind him, but we got separated. It was Hopper who wanted to go to Errol. He thought it would be safer there. I’m hoping that if there’s even a chance Will made it, he’ll be there.”

She stared at him. She didn't think she had ever heard Jonathan speak so many words at once. Will could be alive. Her mind was still trying to wrap around that. All of the times – the countless times – she had talked about her own family, he never once talked about his brother and what had happened to him and their mother. She had asked but he had always remained tight-lipped. And now, all of a sudden, Will might not have died after all. And he could be in Errol.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked in a whisper and even she could hear the hurt in her voice. She saw his stance loosen a fraction indicating to her that he could hear it, too.

"Would that have made you more willing to go? Going to Errol to see if my brother’s alive even though there’s a much bigger chance he’s not?” Jonathan asked. “Would you have been willing to take that chance?”

"You really have to ask me that," she stated softly because she realized that he truly didn't know. She swallowed. "All of this time… have we been looking for your brother?"

He shook his head. "No, but… I've always been heading to Errol and you…" he trailed off and she nodded in understanding, the lump refusing to leave her throat. She looked down to her hands, suddenly finding her fingernails absolutely fascinating.

"You never planned on saving me that night or me tagging along," she finished for him. She took a deep breath. "Wow, I really don't know anything about you."

They were quiet for a few minutes and she didn't mean to but she flinched when Jonathan’s hand suddenly reached out and rested on her knee. His hand instantly jerked away.

She wanted to say something, but what was there to say? After all of this time, he had known about Errol and his brother and all of this time, they were going to him. And he never mentioned one word of it to her – as if it didn't matter. As if she had no part of it whatsoever. Then again, Jonathan had probably never planned on Nancy Wheeler tagging along.

What would happen once they reached Errol and his brother was there? All of this time, they had talked about going to Savannah. It was widely believed that the southern city was the only place in the country that had been taken back by people. They had spent the past three years constructing a massive wall around the perimeter and it was probably the safest place to live with guards and surveillance and the closest thing to civilization anyone had. She and Jonathan had always talked about heading there. That's why they walked east. But what about his brother? Would Jonathan find him and stay in Errol then? What would she do? She had no desire to stay in a settlement. Jonathan had promised her…

"What about Savannah?" She had to ask.

"I'm hoping that if he's there, Will…he'll come with us," he answered.

"And if he doesn't? Will you… will you stay in Errol?" She whispered.

Jonathan stared at her and his eyes almost looked black to her. "I promised that I wouldn't let anything happen to you and I just told you that you and me, we're not separating."

"I'm not staying in Errol," she shook her head.

"Will could be all I have left," he said. "I don't know if he's there. I don't know if he's alive. I just… I just need to know for sure. No one said we have to stay there permanently.”

She nodded, looking back down to her hands. She wanted to feel relieved to know that, at least, Savannah could still be part of the plan – the final plan. But now, there was this entirely other layer to it and she didn't mean to but she couldn't help but feel upset. Why had he never told her? It wasn't like there hadn't been plenty of opportunities over the past three years where they had spent every second together. She had cared about Will, too. 

And if there was ever a chance her own brother was alive, she’d go with or without him. So what made him think she’d ever try and stop him? 

* * *

 

"Jonathan, have you killed someone before?” She had no idea where the question came from but the words left her mouth before she could stop them. Maybe she said them because she had been thinking about her father and what he did to Mike. Like she does every day.

Jonathan’s eyes widen and he doesn’t answer at first.

Then he nodded.

“What happened?” She asked softly.

He looked away from her and she knew he wasn’t going to answer that. “If I told you...you would never look at me the same way again.”


	7. Chapter 7

She didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

They walked miles away from Dancer and just as the sun almost completely disappeared beneath the mountains behind them, they set up camp for the night among the cacti and the brittle bushes. Without discussing it, they rolled their sleeping bags out side by side but Jonathan remained standing, taking first watch. She made no form of protest and taking her boots off, she slipped into her bag and promptly turned her back towards him. Kermit stretched out next to her, setting his head on his two front paws, and she scooted a little closer to him, slipping an arm over his furry back.

" _If I tell you that, you will never look at me the same way again."_

Jonathan’s words from the gas station echoed in her mind, over and over again, taunting her, torturing her, making her want to just throw her head back and scream. Her mind was still reeling from everything he had revealed to her. Not only was there a chance his brother was alive but they were going to Errol for him. But on top of all of that, Jonathan had killed another human being. Jonathan, the boy who had protected her for the past three years… he had once took another life.

What had he done? Why wouldn't he tell her?

It had to have been for a good reason. It had to have been. Jonathan would never kill someone unless he absolutely had to.

She pulled her legs closer to her chest and she moved a little closer to Kermit, trying to stay warm. She closed her eyes. Did it matter? Why he had done it… it had been four years ago, or maybe even three years, before he found her. No one's past mattered anymore. And he had spent the past three years keeping her alive, keeping her safe. He was far from a bad person.

She wasn't sure why but she felt like crying. There was a part of her that felt hurt that he had never told her about his brother—or anything, really—but there was another part that was hurt that he felt like he couldn't tell her. All of those times she had asked him questions, so desperate to know the guy he was, and he had never once told her anything. She felt completely overwhelmed and utterly drained. She didn't know if she would be able to sleep however. Her mind was racing and she couldn't seem to shut it down. The ground was too hard and the air was cold and she could hear a choir of crickets somewhere nearby. And she could feel Jonathan’s presence; all too aware of where he stood. And she could also feel that occasionally, he would look at her. Even in the darkness of the desert and with her back to him, she could feel him.

Her eyes snapped open suddenly and she saw that it was completely dark around her. Kermit was no longer next to her but she felt a wall of heat behind her. She had fallen asleep – surprisingly – but something had woken her up. She sharpened her ears, listening, but she heard nothing. The world was so quiet around her – always so quiet. She slowly turned from her side onto her back, blinking up at the black night sky above her, thousands of stars twinkling silently against the backdrop and she stared up at them, feeling almost breathless. She loved the night sky; always had. And walking across the western part of the country for the past three years, she never got tired of looking up.

Jonathan was stretched out next to her, lying on top of his sleeping bag, fast asleep. She was surprised but she knew that he hadn't been sleeping much in the past few days. He was probably more exhausted than she was. She sat up slowly, not wanting to alert him that she was awake. He needed sleep and he was a light sleeper. They both were – for obvious reasons. She ran her fingers through her hair, shaking it out, and she looked around, her eyes adjusting to the darkness. Kermit was lying on the other side of Jonathan now and she smiled faintly to herself, looking at them both.

Her smile faded as she watched Jonathan. His arms were crossed over his chest and his jaw was set and even in his sleep, he never looked completely relaxed. She knew that if she touched him, he would be awake in an instant but her fingers were itching and despite everything, she still felt herself being drawn to him. Her attraction hadn't been extinguished and she wasn't sure what he could do that would make her turn away from him. There was a loyalty between them that she supposed could only be forged after going through everything together that they had been through. She loved him.

" _I would have killed every single one of them if anything had happened to you."_

His words spoken to her in Oasis came upon her suddenly as she watched him. In Portland, when he had shot the one man and had beaten the other who had attacked her, she had never seen such anger in a human being before. It was as if he had left completely and had been taken over by something else entirely. There wasn't a single doubt in her mind – then or now – that he would have stopped himself from killing anyone who threatened either of them.

Maybe someone had tried to hurt Will or his mother. Maybe that’s why he killed someone.

She couldn't stop herself and she reached out, her fingertips brushing along his cheek. His eyes instantly snapped open and his fingers grabbed her wrist, making her gasp. Upon seeing her and upon hearing it, he immediately let go. He opened his mouth, more than likely to apologize, but she shook her head, her index finger resting against his lips. He stared up at her and she smiled faintly, it slowly fading, her fingers brushing along his cheek again. She then followed the trace of his jaw and she could see him swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing down and then back up in his throat. She almost smiled. Maybe she affected him more than he ever let on.

"Tell me," she whispered, her hand slowly pulling back from his face.

He shook his head. "Nancy, I’m never going to tell you," he said, his voice low, almost as if in warning.

She wasn't intimidated. It wasn't the first time Jonathan had practically growled at her and it wouldn't be the last. "I don't care why you did it. It doesn’t matter. Okay? You had your reasons. I know you did.”

"I'm...I’m not a bad guy, Nancy, but there was no excuse for what I did to that man. Trust me.”

"I do trust you. I just wish you’d trust me.”

He exhaled a breath but didn't say anything else. He continued staring at her, his arms crossed over his chest, and she brought her hand back towards him, this time, resting it on his chest. She instantly felt warm from his body. She wasn't sure why she did. It was almost as if she no longer had any control over her body but even if she did, she wondered if she would have stopped. Her face drew nearer to his and his eyes seemed to grow darker as he stared into hers.

"Nancy," he said and he lifted his hands, his fingers curving around her upper arms.

He held her tightly and she knew he was going to push her away. She couldn't let that happen. He pushed her away too often and she was tired of it. They were all they had – until they found his brother, at least. If they found his brother, it would never be the same. Their duo would become a trio. And not only would there be three, but Will knew Jonathan better than she ever would. She would be left out, left behind, forgotten by him as he bonded with his brother. And that's what he should do. He should bond with his brother. Nancy would never in a million years be selfish enough to wish otherwise. But Will was in Errol, Jonathan certainly wouldn't need her around anymore. Not that he needed her now.

She had never kissed before and she had no idea what she was doing but before the plague, when a new romance movie was released in the theaters every month, and her mother had read cheap paperback romance novels that she would sneak into her room to read herself, she understood the basics. When her lips touched Jonathan’s, she nearly gasped. His fingers dug – almost painfully – into her arms but still, he didn't push her away. She brushed her lips along his, getting no response from him whatsoever but that was okay. She didn't know what she was doing and she wanted to learn. His lips were dry – she wondered if hers were, too – but they were soft and she felt her eyes start to slide shut as she felt them underneath hers.

She gasped with surprise when Jonathan suddenly rolled and moved her with him. She found herself on her back and he was above her. She opened her mouth but she wasn't sure what to say and then his lips were on hers. It took her almost a full minute to realize what was happening. Jonathan was kissing her. She was on her back and Jonathan was on top of her and he was kissing her. His hands were braced in the dirt on either side of her, keeping his body mostly off of hers but she could feel the brush of his hips along hers and it made her shiver. She hesitantly lifted her hands, bringing them to his cheeks.

His lips moved along hers in kisses and short pecks, allowing them to catch their breath without actually separating, and she closed her eyes, feeling herself relax and turn herself completely over to him. She trusted him and while he was a little clumsy himself, this was perfect.

She had no idea what she was doing and it was almost as if her brain had quit functioning. Jonathan was kissing her. Jonathan was _kissing_ her. This thought was the only one able to form in her mind but no matter how many times it seemed to repeat itself, she couldn't quite believe it. Jonathan was kissing her.

Why?

Not that she didn't want him to. Of course she wanted him to. Now that it was happening, she realized that she had been wanting this for a long time. She didn't want to question it. She wanted to just go with it and let him kiss her and kiss him back.

She was startled when she heard herself moan suddenly when he traced her bottom lip lightly with the tip of his tongue. She had not been expecting that at all and she had no idea what to do. She had never made such a noise before. And making that noise seemed to startle Jonathan as well. In an instant, his lips were gone and he had pushed himself away, standing up. Her mind took a moment but then her eyes opened, wondering what had happened and she slowly sat up, watching him. His hands were flexing, open and closed, and he was pacing, breathing heavily. She realized that she was out of breath, too, and when she touched her lips, she felt them quivering. Her heart pounded in her chest, skipping beats, and she looked at the boy in front of her, responsible for it all.

Her stomach sank. He regretted it. She didn't know him but she knew that he did. She knew enough, she supposed. She turned her head away, looking at anything but him.

"Nancy," he turned towards her but she shook her head, not wanting to hear, struggling to breathe. She clenched her eyes shut, feeling the all-too familiar sting of tears. Her first kiss and the boy in front of her was wishing it had never happened.

She put her hands on the cold dirt and pushed herself up to her feet, feeling his eyes burning into her but she still wouldn't look. She made sure her hair acted as a curtain, sweeping across and blocking her peripheral vision of him. She took a few steps away but then stopped herself suddenly as if she had come in contact with an invisible wall. She took a few breaths, trying to steady herself, trying to stop the blood from roaring in her ears. She touched her lips again. They were no longer trembling but she swore that she could still feel his lips against hers.

"So that thing people say to one another… not if you were the last person on earth…" her voice sounded shaky and she hated that because she didn't want him to know how much he had just hurt her.

"Nancy," he tried to say again but she ignored him. Anything he could possibly say now would just be said in an effort to nurse her wounded feelings.

"It's going to be dawn soon," she looked towards the east. "Maybe we could start moving," she suggested even as she knelt down and began rolling up her sleeping bag.

He didn't say anything and for once, she was very grateful for his silence.

 

* * *

 

They stood on a hill before sunset, looking at the town stretched out before them. It looked like every other desert town, spread out wide with all of the buildings a single or two-stories tall. There were trees planted, providing shade, and there was a small river that had to be passed over by way of a bridge that led straight to town. But this town was different than others they had passed through. From the hill, she could see people. The entire town was surrounded by a chain-linked fence topped with razor-wire and every fifty yards, there was a tower that had been constructed, a person standing at the top of it, armed with a shotgun much like the one Jonathan carried.

Errol.

She took a deep breath and she saw Jonathan turn his head to look at her. She hadn't spoken to him all day and she wasn't going to start now. She was the one to take the first step, beginning down the hill towards the bridge. She felt him walking behind her, keeping back a few feet, as if she needed any more distance from the man, and she smiled faintly when Kermit came up next to her, trotting along. The dog had been sticking close to her all day. She was thankful for the companionship.

The closer they came to the front gates of the town, the more nervous she felt. She had hardly eaten today, not in the mood for food, but she still felt like she was going to be sick. Her stomach churned. She hated settlements more than anything – more than the plague or the walkers. She was terrified of them and the people that lived within the walls. People who had lost everything and lived their lives, ruled by fear and desperation. Those men in Portland had been desperate and she would never forget the looks in their eyes as they held her down. People were desperate everywhere now. People everywhere had that look in their eyes. In her mind, Errol was going to be no different.

She thought of Savannah – the city to the east. It was a plan she and Jonathan had made up for themselves three years earlier when they had been walking without direction. Savannah was civilization. Savannah was everything that had been lost. Errol, New Mexico and every settlement in between was just a dot in the middle of nowhere, filled with desperate, scared people willing to do anything to keep themselves going.

The sun disappeared beneath a clump of clouds, sending shadows across the land, and Errol loomed in front of her. Despite the desert air, heavy with heat, pressing down on her like hands, she felt cold. Turning away, she fell to her knees and heaved into the dirt. Jonathan was crouched next to her within an instant, his hand on her back, saying her name. She could hardly hear him though and her stomach rolled. She threw up again, coughing and gagging and there was nothing coming up but her body couldn't seem to stop itself.

"Jonathan," she whispered.

He stood and with ease, he hoisted her up in his arms, carrying her. She opened her mouth to protest but everything around her was spinning and the only solid thing in that moment was Jonathan. She rested her head against his chest as he strode closer to the gates. Through heavy lids, she saw two men standing on the other side of the gate, both heavily armed and though they weren't pointing their guns, their eyes were narrowed and their fingers were poised on the triggers of the guns hanging at their sides.

"My wife hasn't had any water today," Jonathan explained. "Please."

Please. The universal word – it was what separated the humans from the walkers.

One of the men – one with a deep scar going down almost the direct middle of his face – spoke. "And the dog?" He gestured with his gun towards Kermit.

"He's not a walker, either," Jonathan responded and she could hear his patience already thin.

The two men exchanged looks and then the other, a rather heavyset man with a buzzed haircut, stepped forward and with a key hanging around his neck, he unlocked the heavy Master lock, pulling it away and opening one side of the gate. He stepped back as Jonathan walked inside, Kermit on his heels.

"Thank you," Jonathan nodded towards the man. "Where can I take my wife?"

She could feel them looking at her and she turned her head towards Jonathan’s chest. Please don't look at me, _please don't look at me,_ she chanted silently in her head.

"This way," the man with the scar said, gesturing towards the small gate house to their left. Jonathan followed them inside. There was a small kitchenette, a table, three chairs, an abandoned game of poker spread out on the surface and two fans were blowing, offering little relief from the heat. "Sit her down there," he pointed to one of the chairs.

Jonathan gently sat her down in one of the chairs and she sat up, running her fingers through her hair as he knelt in front of her. One of his hands went to her cheeks and for the first time all day, she looked at him. She was taken aback by how concerned he looked and then she scolded herself for that. Just because he didn't want to kiss her didn't mean that he didn't care about her. He had cared about her for the past three years.

"You okay?" He asked softly and she nodded though she still felt a bit dizzy.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"There's no reason to be sorry," his hand lingered on her cheek. "Just be okay, okay?"

She nodded and then jumped, startled, when the man with the buzz cut appeared suddenly next to her, holding a paper cup in his hand out towards her.

"Here. Errol has their own irrigation system from the river out there. Perfectly safe," he explained to Jonathan as she hesitantly took the cup from him. The water was ice cold and she couldn't help but greedily chug it down. "You both need water," he observed and then left to return to the sink to get them two more cups.

"Thank you," she said, turning slightly in her chair to look at him. The man with the scar was standing in the doorway, staring at her, and she quickly looked away, focusing on the other man. "It hasn't rained in a few days so our canteens were just about empty."

"Always happy to help. And to see other survivors," buzz-cut man said, coming back with two more cups, handing another to her and one to Jonathan. They both drank quickly. "I'm Keith and there is Ron. We're the gatekeepers. Who are you two? Married?"

Jonathan answered this time. "I'm Jonathan and this is Nancy. And yeah, we're married."

She noticed that he kept looking over to Ron, his eyes slightly narrowed. It was the look on Jonathan’s face that was making her nervous. There was something in his eyes that told her that there was something about Ron that he didn't like. And that did nothing for her nerves. She reached out, touching Jonathan’s shoulder. He instantly turned back towards her. She tried to give him a smile but she knew she failed miserably.

"Here, boy," Keith now set a cup of water down on the floor for Kermit, who lapped at it quickly, almost choking from drinking too fast. "You two look too young to get married," he then commented to her, glancing to Jonathan before back at her.

She shrugged. "We’re in our twenties. Besides, does age really matter anymore?” She asked and Keith smiled a little. "And… I fell in love," she added. "That's something I didn't want to lose after everything."

Keith nodded. "Completely understandable. Welcome to Errol, both of you. You're welcome to stay as long as you want but we do have the man in charge you both need to meet."

"And who's that?" Jonathan asked, his voice gruff, slowly standing up, his eyes never leaving Keith's.

"A boy by the name of Will Byers," Keith answered. “Younger than you two are, but that’s a long story.”

Will. Her heart sped up in excitement and she stiffened in her chair and tilted her head up towards Jonathan, who had so many emotions flickering across his face that it made her head spin.

Jonathan looked up to her and, smiling wider than she’s ever seen before, he says, “He’s alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So quick note: Will should be around 16-17 in this story (I ended up making him 17) and I know it seems weird that he’d be the leader at such an age, but there IS a backstory explaining how he became the leader and what happened. Everything will be explained :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t going to update again tonight but my sleep schedule is fucked so trying to go to bed at an actual decent time just isn’t happening tonight lol. 
> 
> So, I’m introducing a teenage Will in the apocalypse and this chapter was such a struggle for me to write. I can’t even begin to explain. I have such trouble writing Will, it’s very frustrating. This chapter probably won’t be very good, but I rewrote it five times and this version you’ll be reading now is the “I’m so done with this shit” version. Hopefully it’s not TOO horrible.

Jonathan didn't let go of her hand as they followed Keith from the gatehouse, leaving Ron behind. She walked close to him, curiosity wanting her to look around but her brain not wanting to see anything around her. She could feel people looking at them – every person they passed stopped what they were doing, right in the middle of it, and stared at them. They followed the faded and cracked black asphalt of the road and she watched their feet as they walked. Keith was talking but neither she nor Jonathan offered him any sort of reply.

As she held Jonathan’s shaking hand, she was able to feel how tense and stiff he was. She wondered what he was thinking. Was he nervous about seeing his brother? Was he excited? She lifted her eyes to look at him for just a moment but his jaw was set and he was staring straight ahead, his face a completely blank slate to be interpreted as a person wanted to. She wished she knew what was on his mind. They had come to Errol for his brother – a brother he hadn't even known was alive or dead just a few hours ago – and now, they found out that not only was he alive and hopefully well, but also, he was running this place and he couldn’t be more than seventeen now. A heavy stone sank to the bottom of her stomach. If Will was in charge of this settlement, would Jonathan be convinced to stay here with him? He had promised her that they would leave and go to Savannah but once again, everything had changed.

And could she be so selfish as to make him choose between her and his baby brother? No, she couldn’t. She would never.

"We've got about fifty acres and a little more than a hundred people here with us," Keith was saying as they walked. "Nothing too fancy but it's better than out there."

 _I doubt that_ , she thought silently to herself, feeling so many pairs of eyes on her.

"Like I said, we have our own irrigation system so the water's clean and everyone's got indoor plumbing. Electricity is for businesses only. Too many generators sucking too much power. The towers are lit all night and we have spotlights that shine out to the desert to see them walkers coming. All the homes use lanterns and candles. We have our own farms, too. Crops and a bunch of cows and pigs. I bet you miss meat, don't 'ya?"

"You learn to live without things," Jonathan answered gruffly.

"How long you two been out there?" Keith asked.

"Four years,” Jonathan said. “We’ve been together for three.”

Keith let out a whistle. "Damn. Four years. You two must be more than experienced with killing walkers. We could use people like that around here."

"Are there a lot of walkers?" She couldn't help but ask, lifting her head.

"Nothing to worry your head about, little lady," Keith smiled. "Nah. Out here, we don't get too many. Then again, out here, we never had that many people to begin with so not too many to deal with once they all turned. I heard out east though, boy, oh boy, that's where they're really at. All them people, either dying or turning." Keith shook his head. "I'll stay right where I am, thank you very much. Where you two from? Will’s from Indiana, ain't he?"

Jason nodded. "We grew up there. Nancy’s from Indiana, too.”

Keith nodded. "Long way from Indiana. I'm from Santa Fe. Born and raised there. Sure as hell went to shit once the plague spread. Too many damn people. I've been here for about two years. Your brother's done a damn good job here."

"Yeah? Good. I’m glad.” There was a look of pride on his face that made Nancy smile.

She gave his hand a squeeze but he didn't squeeze back and she wasn't sure he even felt it. They came to a stop at what used to be a church – the white paint chipping. It was square and simple with stained glass windows along the side and a small steeple above with the bell still hanging silently within. She tilted her head up and looked at the cross. Her parents hadn’t been very religious but she was catholic and had still been dragged to church on certain holidays.

_Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep…_

The prayer came to her suddenly and again, despite the heat, she felt a shiver shake down her spine. She squeezed Jonathan’s hand once again, almost desperately. This time, he looked at her and she tilted her head to the side slightly. He nodded and began to lead her away, a few feet down the uneven sidewalk.

"Your brother's inside," Keith called out to them, standing on the bottom step leading up to the heavy wooden church doors.

Jonathan ignored him and stood in front of her, facing her. "What is it?" He asked. He didn't seem angry or impatient and yet, she felt as if she was bothering him. She was keeping him from seeing his brother for the first time in four years because of some silly intuition that she knew didn't mean anything.

She took a deep breath. "You're going to stay, aren't you?" She asked, looking up at him though she found it difficult to meet his eyes.

He stared at her for a moment and then exhaled heavily. "Come on, Nancy. How many times are we going to talk about this?"

"I don't like it here," she whispered.

"We just got here," he said and his voice sounded clipped, as if he was talking to a child.

She felt her own impatience begin to bubble. "I know and I want you to see your brother, Jonathan. But everyone is watching us and I just… I have a really bad feeling. You know I do," she reminded him.

"Can I see my brother first before we have this conversation?" He snapped.

"Oh, so you actually want to have a conversation?" She snapped back, crossing her own arms over her chest. He stared at her. She shrugged. "I don't know. Lately, it's been very much what you want to do and what you say we're going to do is what we do."

He sighed heavily, dropping his arms. He took a step closer to her, crowding her personal space, and she had to tilt her chin up to keep her eyes locked with his. He was so close, almost too close, and she couldn't keep her anger when he was this close to her. He was warm and she wanted to wrap her arms around his waist and hug him instead of be angry.

"You're pissed. I get it," he said, his voice low. "What happened between us, that should have never happened and I'm sorry that I did that." She felt all of the air leave her lungs in one great rush. Obviously, she had known that he regretted the kiss but to actually hear the words, it almost pushed her back a step. "But right now, I just need you to act like you don't hate me for a little bit longer."

That made her frown. "I don't hate you," she told him softly. "You know I don't."

She saw his body physically relax but just barely. He took another step towards her and now, they were far too close and she uncrossed her arms. He didn't stiffen or flinch when her arms slid around his waist like she wanted and she knew that he was just acting. This was all pretend – a show to put on for the people of the settlement. When they were within gated walls, she was his wife and most married couples tended to like one another. She knew that he probably didn't want her touching him but he was going to tolerate this for their little role-play. He was her husband and he shouldn't mind his wife touching him. She looked up at him and his eyes burned down into hers. His arms hung at his sides for just a moment before he lifted his hands and cupped her cheeks.

"Even with your brother here… please don't leave me alone," she whispered.

Immediately, he shook his head. "Never," he whispered back and she closed her eyes, leaning into him. She turned her head, pressing her ear to his chest, and she hugged him. When he wrapped his own arms around her and hugged her, resting his chin on top of her head, she told herself, reminding herself, that it was just for show. This was all pretend. The way he reacted in the desert, that was how he truly felt. She had to keep the two separate – the truth from the fantasy.

"No. No way.”

She felt Jonathan instantly stiffen and he pulled away from her so quickly, she barely was able to open her eyes before he spun around to look towards the church. She peeked out from behind him, looking at the boy who had spoken.

Will.

Will, who looked so grown up that it made her feel old. He didn’t have the bowl cut like he did as a child, but his hair still went to the nape of his neck and bangs hung over his eyebrows. His face was incredibly handsome and she could tell he had muscles under the white t-shirt he wore.

"Holy shit,” he breathed, voice cracking this time and Jonathan remained standing on the sidewalk in front of her, staring up at him, not moving but body shaking. Will slowly came down the steps of the church, his eyes never leaving Jonathan. “ _Jonathan?”_

Jonathan gave him a watery smile, his own voice cracking. “Yeah, it’s me. Long time no see, bud.”

And then Will’s face scrunches up and he practically flings himself at his brother. Jonathan clutches him tightly and all Nancy can do is stand there and watch as the brothers cling to one another, Jonathan murmuring comforting words to Will, letting him know that everything’s okay, that he’s here with him now. They’re both crying. Has she ever even seen Jonathan cry before?

“You said you’d be right behind me,” Will choked out when he finally pulled back. “When you never came...I thought you were dead.”

"I thought the same thing about you," Jonathan spoke quietly. “I don’t know what happened, Will. I _swear_. We must have gone in completely different directions and didn’t even realize it until…”

Will wipes his eyes and huffs out a very small chuckle. “Yeah. I just—I can’t believe you’re here.”

"It took me three years," Jonathan replied with a small smile, reaching a hand out to place it on the side of his brother’s face "I figured if you would be anywhere, it’d here. This is where Hopper wanted to go.”

"Hopper,” Will murmured and his eyes lowered for a moment. "Mom. She never got away, did she?”

Jonathan shook his head ever so slightly and Will nodded, not meeting anyone’s eyes. Nancy listened to their conversation carefully. She jumped in surprise when Jonathan suddenly pulled Will into another hug, squeezing him. The two brothers stood, embracing, for what felt like an hour, and she found herself smiling slightly as she watched them. Seeing Will alive, seeing Jonathan reunited with him, seeing two brothers find one another despite everything in the world that had happened, she was so happy for both of them.

Movement from the corner of her eye made her look to the steps of the church. A young man – probably in his twenties – stood on the top step, waiting and also watching the two brothers. He was white but the desert sun had tanned his skin. He was thin yet in shape underneath his black tee-shirt and dark blue jeans. He was actually incredibly handsome with short – yet unruly – dark brown hair and the bluest pair of eyes she had ever seen. And he was staring right at her with those blue eyes.

She quickly, nervously, looked away.

"And who's this?" Will asked and she realized that they were no longer hugging and they were now looking at her. She felt a nervous blush spread across her cheeks.  
“Wait a second—Nancy?”

She smiled at him. “Hi, Will.”

“Holy—“ Will walked past Jonathan and hugged her. Not nearly as long as he hugged Jonathan—not that she expected him to—but he seemed just as glad to see her as she was to see him, if not just a little bit confused by why she was here.

"People here need to believe we’re married,” Jonathan muttered to Will. “I already told your guys—Keith and Ron—that we are.”

Will tilted his head, confused, but he nodded and didn’t ask any questions except for, “How long have you two been together?”

“Three years,” Jonathan answered. “I mean, we’re not really _together_ , but…” He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

The other boy blinked and looked between the two of them, utterly lost, especially when he saw Nancy’s face fall slightly at Jonathan’s words. “It’s good you two stuck together, at least. Listen, the sun is about to go down and I bet you two are starving. Have you been walking a long time?”

“Only three years.”

“Funny. I think there’s steak for dinner tonight.” Will slung his arm around Jonathan’s neck and Jonathan wrapped his own arm around his brother while his other arm was around Nancy, and together, the three of them began heading down the sidewalk away from the church.   
"Leo!" Will called out from over his shoulder and glancing behind, she saw that the man with the blue eyes stepped down and began trailing after them. "Bodyguard," Will explained.

Bodyguard? Why would he need a bodyguard from the people in his own town? She bit down on her tongue to keep from asking this.

As they walked, Will talked and pointed out different things. Errol had a small school, a doctor's office, different maintenance buildings and a general store. It looked like any other small desert town that they've walked through but with the people around, all stopping when Will passed with the two new strangers, they all stopped to take a look. Will grinned at them but Nancy was surprised to see that he looked slightly uncomfortable, too.

"They don't trust strangers," Will said as way of explaining. "They're not used to them. Don't worry though. You're my brother. They can deal with it."

“How did you even become the leader?” Jonathan asked, looking fondly at his brother.

Will froze for a moment. His eyes suddenly hardened and he had this look on his face...like he was reliving something horrible in that moment. Nancy glanced at Jonathan and, from the concerned look on his face, it’s obvious she’s not the only one who noticed. Whatever had happened here had been bad. Very bad.

And Will relaxed and gave a small shrug, snapping out of whatever memory was playing in his head. “A year ago, the old leader here, uh...he wasn’t a good man. Long story short, I did what I had to do and people here thought that I should be the leader instead. Most of them, anyway.” Before Nancy or Jonathan could reply, Will cocked his head to a small building next to the general store, a sign above the open door simply stating 'Restaurant'. “We can talk about that all later. Let’s just get you guys fed, okay?”

Inside, a few of the wooden tables were occupied with one or two people and smells of cooking meat hung in the air. Black and white photographs of the New Mexico desert hung framed on the walls. Will smiled and waved to everyone as he ushered them over to a table in front of the large front plate-glass window that overlooked the main street.

Jonathan held her chair out for her and she sat down next to him while Leo sat down on the other side of her, Will seated across from her. A moment later, a woman with pitch black hair cut to her shoulders and pale white skin appeared and placed four glasses of water in front of them. Will greeted her politely.

"Could we get steaks and four baked potatoes? Oh, sorry—this is my brother, Jonathan, and his...uh, wife, Nancy. Nancy, Jonathan, this is Rachel. Her father ran this place before and she runs it now," Will introduced.

"Welcome to Errol," she smiled at them, her eyes lingering on Jonathan the longest. "How would you like your steak done?"

"Well done, please," Nancy answered, pretending not to notice Rachel’s eyes on Jonathan.

"Mine, too," Leo finally spoke.

"Medium well," Jonathan said.

"Medium well for me, too, Rach,” Will said and Rachel smiled, her eyes going to Jonathan again, before she turned and left the table.

"Will this… will this actually be cow steak?" Nancy had to ask.

Will looked at her for a moment and then leaned back in his seat, tossing one arm over the top of the chair, and laughed. "Of course it's going to be cow steak.”

"Nancy ate a rat burger a while back… didn't agree with her," Jonathan explained before taking a sip from his water glass.

"A rat burger?" Will spoke, face scrunching up in disgust and she turned her head to look at him. "Really? Where did you eat that?"

"Another settlement we went to," she said. "It was… terrible. Jonathan didn't mind but Jonathan eats just about anything, it seems," she smiled at Jonathan before looking back to Leo. His blue eyes were staring at her so intently, she had a bit of trouble looking away. "We eat a lot of snake, actually," she continued. "There's been a few rabbits along the way, too. Your brother is a really good shot. He keeps trying to teach me but right now, I'm about 7 out of 10.”

"You're getting better," Jonathan offered and she smiled shyly at him.

"Yeah, that's not bad," Leo threw a smile at her and his smile was bright and infectious like his eyes. She smiled back at him.

"Marcus—the old leader—never let women kill walkers,” Will said with a shake of his head. “And now that I’m in charge, I’m trying to get the women to learn how to shoot in case anything goes wrong, but most of them refuse.”

“What about the kids?” Nancy asked. “Are they learning?”

“The boys aren’t allowed a gun until they’re fifteen. The same goes for the girls, but we can’t give them one if their parents say no.” Will took a sip of his water and sighed. “This place has a long way to go before it ends up becoming what I hope it’ll be.”

“I’m sure you’re a great leader,” Jonathan said, smiling softly at his little brother. “And I’m really proud of you, Will. You have no idea.”

Will’s cheeks reddened a bit but everyone could tell he enjoyed hearing the praise.

Leo cleared his throat, changing the subject. "So all this time, you've been out there?" He asked. Nancy nodded."That's amazing," Leo then told her, his smile bursting again.

"It… is?" She asked, unsure. She nodded slightly. "I guess it is. I never would have made it far without Jonathan though. Honestly. He… saved my life.” She glanced at Jonathan for a brief moment and then focused her eyes back on Will. “You said you arrived here a year ago. What were you doing before then? I mean, were you alone, or…?”

Will shrugged. “I met some people—good people—who took care of me. Small group, and I was the only kid but they taught me how to fight, how to survive. Everything I know now is thanks to them.”

“What happened to them?” Nancy asked quietly, dreading the answer.

A bitter smile crossed Will’s face, but his eyes were sad. “The same damn thing that’s gonna happen to us all, Nancy.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> meh. Wish I could have wrote the reunion better, as I bitched about up top, but I still hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...there is sex in this chapter.

Will opened the door of the bedroom on the second floor of the house he lived in. It was dark even as she stepped inside, holding a candle carefully in her hand. Jonathan followed her into the room with an armful of blankets that Will had given him.

"I've never used it before," Will said and then shrugged. "Looks comfortable."

"We've been sleeping on the ground for three years. This looks like heaven," she smiled and she truly meant it.

It had been so long since she had last slept in a bed. She wasn't sure if she remembered how to for an extended amount of time, as strange as it sounded. She and Jonathan preferred to sleep outdoors. Inside, they were trapped if anything should come. The bedroom almost felt too small, slightly claustrophobic, and though she was feeling tired, she wondered if she could actually sleep in here amongst goose-down pillows and fleece blankets.

She turned back to Will. "Thank you for everything, Will. For the steak and for the bed," she kept smiling and it felt a little easier now. Of course, that could just be her very full stomach doing the smiling for her. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten so much and the steak had been so delicious and Errol even had dairy cows and a pasteurizing system that had allowed her to have a glass of milk. It had probably been one of the best meals she had ever eaten.

"Well, you're married to Jonathan. Kinda makes you family,” Will teased with a smirk that made him look so much like Jonathan in that moment, standing in the doorway of the bedroom. "And it really is good to see you, Nancy. I’m glad Jonathan found you when he did. Do you two need anything else?”

"We're good," Jonathan spoke. "Thanks, Will.”

"I sleep downstairs. Get me if you need anything.” The brothers hugged one last time and then Will left and closed the door behind him. They heard his heavy footsteps clomp down the stairs and then softly fade away.

For a moment, they both stood, neither moving. And then she carefully set the candle down in the holder on the night table next to the bed and took the blankets from his arms, unfolding them and spreading them across the small double-size mattress. It had been such a long day and the bed looked so incredibly inviting. Without wasting another moment, she began to peel off her clothes. She paused when Jonathan quickly reached back and locked the bedroom door and then gave her a look. She smiled sheepishly – she was not used to the possibility of someone besides him seeing – but continued, dropping her clothes onto the floor.

She stripped down to her underwear without shyness and gathering her clothes, she dumped them onto the bed and began to fold them, stowing them away in her pack. Jonathan began to strip as well, his boots falling heavily onto the wood floorboards followed by the thunk of his sword sheath and his gun holster he wore around his waist. They were used to moving about in darkness and the candle offered little light. Their moves were practiced, a dance they did every night for the past three years, but already, there were different steps that they hadn't had before but they already seemed to know.

He reached into his pack and pulled out a tee-shirt, extending it towards her, and she smiled at him before she slipped it on over her head.

"I can't remember the last time I actually changed into something to sleep in," she commented, rubbing the cotton hem of the shirt between her thumb and index finger. It was just a tee-shirt but it provided her a warmth that was unfamiliar to her.

When they stopped at night to sleep, they kept the clothes on that they had traveled all day in, having no reason to change into something else – especially when they never knew if they would have to wake up in a hurry. But here, in Will’s house, in Errol, it was different. Everything was different and she looked down at the tee-shirt – Jonathan’s tee-shirt – that covered her body. It was too large, of course. The collar fell to one side, exposing a shoulder. But it was his and wearing it, it felt like such an intimate act, one they had never shared before but it felt like they had. She felt herself smiling faintly, bowing her head so he wouldn't see.

He was naked for just a moment before he tugged on a pair of sweatpants that Will had tossed in with the blankets. He took one of his guns and slid it onto the nightstand on the other side of the bed, his side, the heavy metal dropping onto the wooden surface. They stared at one another for a moment, the bed between them, and then as if coming to a silent agreement, they both pulled down the blankets together and slipped into the bed, the metal springs of the mattress squeaking underneath their sudden weight.

She shifted on the mattress, trying to get comfortable, staring up at the ceiling. "This bed is too soft," she frowned and from next to her, Jonathan smirked. She leaned over and blew the candle out before she rolled onto her side and shifted her head onto his shoulder. "I'm not used to pillows," she said softly and he nodded. She was surprised when he lifted his arm and wrapped it around her shoulders. She nestled against his side and closed her eyes. They were both quiet for a few minutes. There were crickets outside and downstairs, a floorboard creaked. "What do you think of your brother?" She whispered, so used to not making noise once night fell.

Jonathan was silent and she didn't think he was going to answer. But then he sighed. "I can still see the Will I used to know in him. But the kid has been through a lot like the rest of us—maybe even more—and he’s definitely changed. I just can’t pinpoint exactly in what way he changed,” he answered and then paused. "We're not staying long. Two days maybe but… there are things me and him need to talk about. He’s the leader here and he might say no but I’m gonna try and convince him to come with us. I don’t know what I’ll do if I have to leave him again.”

She nodded slightly. "I understand." She chewed on her bottom lip, feeling the warmth of the bare skin of his chest underneath his cheek. Was it just this morning, predawn in the desert, that she had kissed him? So many hours had passed, it already felt like a lifetime ago. "I’m really happy for you," she then said.

"Why?"

"Because after everything, you and your brother were able to find one another. That's so rare," she closed her eyes. "I loved my mom and dad so much and I miss them every day but… I think I miss Mike and Holly more than anything. I would do anything to be reunited with them," she whispered and her throat scratched from the tears she did her best to keep at bay. She cleared her throat a little. “I can tell how much you two love one another. I’m guessing you were close back before this all happened.”

Jonathan nodded but didn’t say anything. She was grateful. She talked about Mike and Holly often but that didn't make it any easier. Just seeing Will and Jonathan embrace, it had left her chest aching with the knowledge that she was the very last of her family. Her parents, her sister, grandparents… everyone… they were all dead and she was the only one left. There would never be a reunion for her. Jonathan was so lucky to find his brother alive and well in this world they now lived in.

"Nancy," he whispered her name and her eyes snapped open at the sound of it.

"I'm such a girl," she tilted her face up to look to his, giving him a watery smile.

"Nothing wrong with that," he shrugged the shoulder she wasn't using as a pillow.

"Do I make your life difficult?" She wondered.

The question made him smirk. "You make everything interesting."

That made her snort. "Like that's what people need more of. Things to be interesting. I'd kill for things to be norm-"

Her words were cut off and suddenly, Jonathan’s lips were on hers and he was kissing her. She squeaked in surprise, never having expected that, but at the sensation of his lips against hers – again – her eyes closed a second later and she pressed back, kissing him in return. Their bodies twisted and he rolled them over, putting her on her back with his body braced above hers – again – but instead of the hard desert dirt, there was a soft mattress beneath her and they both sank together, the mattress springs screeching again.

Her hands did not stay still, running over his shoulders and down his bare back. He was so warm, his skin on fire beneath her touch, and it only spurned her on to feel more. His body was hard and it pressed down on top of hers, trapping her, pinning her down… making her feel safe. Her bare legs tangled with his sweatpant clad legs and she wasn't sure who opened their mouth first but suddenly, their tongues were involved and she moaned softly, arching her neck, pushing her chin up, wanting more.

This time, her moan didn't stop him. Instead, he responded by kissing her harder. A fog rolled in and her mind slowly began to shut down until only the barest facts remained clear. She and Jonathan were lying in bed together and they were kissing. Why now? What had spurned him on? Why were they kissing now, after all of this time?

One of his hands slid underneath her neck, his fingers curving around the back of it, holding her close as his tongue erotically swirled around hers. She moaned again and acting purely on instinct, she lifted her hips towards his. He pulled his lips back almost instantly, hissing as their lower bodies made contact.

"What?" She looked up to him, her eyes taking a moment to focus, her chest heaving up and down as her lungs quickly replenished their lost air supply.

He shook his head, gritting his teeth as if he was in pain. He then stared at her, his eyes so black in the darkness of the bedroom. "Shit," he swore and then he was gone, rolling away from her, landing heavily onto his back, the springs squeaking. He took deep breaths, trying to steady his own lungs, and his hands were curled into fists at his sides.

She pushed herself up on her elbows, looking to him next to her. There was a pull in her stomach and an awful ache between her legs, almost unbearable. She squeezed her legs together, doing her best to relieve it. They were right there on the bed, next to one another, but there was an invisible distance forging between them and she hated it more than anything. Maybe she wasn't all he had. He had his brother now, too, but Jonathan was all she had. And she loved him. Not because he was the only person she had in her whole life, her whole world, but because he was Jonathan and it had taken time but these feelings had budded and developed and now here they were and she wanted him.

She didn't hesitate. She sat up and in one swift motion, the tee-shirt was off over her head and she dropped it soundlessly onto the floor. His eyes were instantly on her and she turned towards him, sitting up on her knees. Neither of them said a word but more words than they had ever exchanged hung between them. He had seen her bare breasts before but this was different and they both knew it.

"Nancy," he whispered and it almost sounded like he was choking, trying to speak, and he sat up. He opened his mouth to speak further but she leaned forward, resting a hand on his chest, right over his heart, and she bravely kissed him softly on the lips.

And then, just as suddenly as the last time, one arm was wound strongly around her waist and the other cupped the back of her neck and his mouth was fused to hers. He lowered them down again, guiding her onto her back and her arms circled his waist, making sure he stayed close, pulling him even closer. Her legs naturally parted and she didn't know what she was doing but she trusted him to lead her. She had read books and had seen movies and she knew that what she felt was his erection, growing hard within the barrier of his sweatpants. She wanted that. She wanted him and she prayed he wouldn't stop.

He didn't.

He moved slowly, gently, and she closed her eyes, her entire body relaxing. She imagined that girls were perhaps nervous their first time but she wasn't. If she was scared, it was because of how natural this all felt. How could she be scared when she was with Jonathan?

His lips left hers and she whimpered in protest, making him smile faintly. And then he was kissing the side of her neck and her bare shoulders, his lips skimming across her clavicle, making her moan softly as she bit down on her lower lip and her fingers gently tunneled through his hair. She gasped when he kissed her stomach, following the plane of skin down past her belly button and when his fingers curved into the waistband of underwear she lifted her hips for him in a silent invitation, not needing him to ask her to do so.

She was doing all of this because she wanted to and if in the morning light, he regretted all of this, she would remind him of this action.

She had lifted her hips for him.

"Jonathan," she whispered though she wasn't sure why and her fingers were still in his hair as she felt his nose and hot breath against one of the insides of her thighs.

And then he kissed her and her back bowed sharply off the bed. His hands curved around her hips, holding her down, and he kissed and caressed her there and she didn't even realize how loud she was moaning until one of his hands slipped over her mouth and she clutched her fingers around his wrist, keeping it there, moaning against it.

She had read about orgasms but in her twenty-one years, she had never, ever experienced one and reading, she realized immediately, was very different than actually having one. She read that it was like a body exploding but she had never been able to grasp that but as Jonathan brought her to a climax with his tongue and lips and two of his fingers, she cried out and every single nerve – she had never known that she had so many nerves in her body – exploded with electricity and she could actually feel her body begin to shake and tremble – as if she was experiencing extreme cold weather and she wasn't dressed properly. But she wasn't cold at all. Fire licked her skin and she felt beads of sweat break out over her skin. Her lungs gasped desperately for air and she was tugging on his hair as her body twisted, his hands again grasping her hips.

She didn't know what she was saying, a stream of babble flowing from her lips – a mixture of his name and curses – and Jonathan rose up, her body boneless beneath his. Her hands slid up his arms and she lifted her head, meeting his lips as he dropped them down. She tasted something tangy, and a bit salty, on his lips and the fog was so thick surrounding her brain, it barely registered with her that she was tasting a hint of herself.

"Nancy," he gasped, sounding breathless himself and she shook her head, gripping his shoulders, tugging him down. She kissed him again and his body sank on top of hers in complete surrender.

The inside of her knees slid against his hips and she discovered that he had already shed himself of his sweatpants sometime during her orgasm. The ache between her thighs throbbed, her first orgasm only making it more unbearable, and she parted her legs wider, cradling his hips between them. He whispered her name again but she barely heard it over the pounding of her heart in her ears. His hand reached between them and she felt his fingers and then something else, prodding her gently. She gasped as he pushed inside of her, slowly, giving her time, and she felt her body begin to stretch open for him.

"Oh, god," she groaned, realizing what was happening and her arms grabbed hold of him. He kissed her cheeks and lips and she opened her eyes, finding herself immediately staring into his as he watched her.

"I shouldn't do this," he shook his head.

"Please," she whispered, not caring if she sounded desperate. "Don't say that yet. Not now. Wait… afterwards, you can break my heart if you want."

"Nancy," his hand cupped her cheek and he kissed her, stunning her with the gentleness. Her chest ached as his lips – almost lovingly – massaged hers. "Hold onto me," he then advised. "I heard this is always painful for girls the first time.”

She nodded and her arms tightened around his back. When he thrust his hips forward, breaking through that paper thin barrier that changed absolutely everything between them, she cried out, her back arching and she felt his lips on her throat, murmuring words she couldn't hear. It stung – a lot. He wasn’t small and her body was almost too small and she didn't understand how this worked; how he could possibly fit tucked completely inside of her. She closed her eyes, struggling to breathe, and she felt his lips now brushing across her forehead and then down the bridge of her nose. He was being so sweet to her, it almost made her want to cry. He was making this as perfect as he could – in some strange bed in his brother's house in some strange settlement with death and nothing known surrounding them but right now, it was just the two of them, just as it had been for so long now.

He held himself still, his body tighter than a rubberband stretched, ready to snap, and she knew that he was giving her a minute or as many as she needed to adjust to the truly foreign invasion upon her body. Slowly, her body began to relax and she could feel him almost throbbing inside of her. Inside of her. She could hardly believe it.

She lifted her head again and her lips pressed a soft kiss to the spot where his neck and his shoulder met. She could have sworn that he nearly shivered.

"I love you," she then whispered and he responded by drawing his hips back and thrusting back in, sliding into her body, and she clung to him tightly, not wanting to let him go.

She didn't want to think about it – not while they were doing this – but she was already dreading what tomorrow morning would bring between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone thinks this happened too soon after Jonathan’s already rejected her twice—don’t worry, I always have a reason for everything I write and them sleeping together wasn’t just thrown in there to satisfy people (although I do love making you guys happy.)


	10. Chapter 10

She woke up the next morning, sore and alone.

She was on her stomach, her head ignoring the pillows to rest flat on the mattress, and she blinked her eyes open to be immediately blinded by the bright rays of sunshine streaming through the window. She moaned and turned her head the other way but this put her face to face with emptiness. He wasn't there and reaching her hand out, the spot where he had been was cold to the touch. He hadn't been there for quite some time. Where was he?

She sat up, gingerly, mindful of her aches, and she looked around the bedroom. It was a small bedroom with just the bed, two nightstands and across from her, there was a dresser with a mirror hanging on the wall above it. She saw her reflection and a hand went to her cheek. Her hair was in complete disarray and there was a flush to her skin. She studied herself carefully from the bed. She didn't look particularly different. Wasn't she supposed to? She had had sex – her first time – and she had been under the impression that she would look different afterwards. She wasn't entirely sure how though and she looked to be the same. She turned her head one way and then they other but nothing. She still looked as she always did.

A smile slowly took form on her face and it grew until she was almost laughing. She rested her hands on both cheeks now and she fell onto her back, giggling, looking up at the ceiling – spotted and water-stained. She had sex last night. She had sex with Jonathan. She was no longer a virgin. She had lost her virginity to Jonathan last night. She kept saying these types of things to herself in her mind and she couldn't stop smiling widely. She could hardly believe that it had actually happened but she felt elated the morning after, having to bite down on her lip to keep from squealing with delight. It had been amazing. He had been amazing. Just thinking about it now, hours later, it made her blush and she was so happy to wake up and find that it wasn't a dream.

She closed her eyes and remembered the way he had kissed her and caressed her and the way his body had moved on top of hers. _I love you._ She had whispered that to him more than once throughout the night but he had never responded – not that she expected him to. He certainly didn't love her and she didn't want him to speak those words since they would both be too aware of how false they were. But his actions certainly showed to her – if nothing else had been leading up to it – just how deeply he cared for her and right now, that was enough to make her heart skip in her chest.

She knew that she would probably never understand what spurned him on last night. To want to have no contact with her to sharing something so intimate together, she would never ask either. If she did, she knew that he would never provide her with an answer. And maybe that was okay. Maybe it was better if she never knew. Her smile slowly began to fade as she turned her head and looked at the empty space next to her. Where was he?

As if he heard her silent question, the door cracked open, creaking on its rusty hinges, and she sat up, keeping the bed sheet securely to her naked body just in case it wasn't him. It was though and her smile was easy to form, finally stretching across her face when she saw him. He was already dressed and his hair was a bit damp. He must have taken a shower already. He paused for just a moment in the doorway, staring at her, but then he entered the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

"Will has running water so you can take a shower. I'll stand outside the bathroom," he offered and she nodded, not looking away from him, watching him closely. He was looking at her and yet, she was getting the feeling that he was trying his hardest not to see her. Her stomach began to sink even though she had been expecting this. "And there's also breakfast downstairs. Errol has a couple of farms and there are eggs and toast downstairs. They also have coffee.”

She shook her head, a lump in her throat. "Jonathan…" she said his name softly and though his eyes were already on her, they seemed to snap to attention and finally focus on her.

"Nancy," he exhaled a heavy sigh and he sounded so tired. Her heart twisted. "Last night-"

Knowing that he was going to say something that would probably completely shatter her, she cut him off before the words could be formed. "I'm glad it was you," she blurted out quickly, desperate to keep her voice steady. "I'm glad it was you and not those two men from Portland."

His mouth snapped shut and they stared at one another. She was the first to look away and she slowly pulled herself from the bed, keeping the sheet around her, not wanting to be naked though it was certainly something he had seen before. She froze when she noticed the spot of blood on the fitted sheet that covered the mattress and she felt a rush of heat flood her cheeks. She glanced to Jonathan to see if he had seen it and he had, for all color seemed to have drained from his face. She tucked the corner of the sheet in between her breasts, fastening it around her, and she then tugged at the sheet, yanking it from the bed. She crumpled it in a ball and clutched it to her chest. Thankfully, the blood hadn't seeped through to the mattress.

"I'll wash this," she said softly, not able to look at him. The proof that she was no longer a virgin, the proof that the night before between them definitely hadn't been a dream, was held in her arms and she felt nervous and anxious, desperate to wash it. She didn't want Will or anyone else seeing the stain.

She gathered her things and Jonathan opened the bedroom door again, allowing her out first. The bathroom was across the hall and without looking at him, she ushered herself inside, closing and locking the door behind her. She knew he would remain in the hallway, keeping watch, even if the door was locked, keeping her safely inside.

The water was warm and the pressure was hard as it beat down from the shower head over her body, soaking her, washing away days of travel. She covered her face with her hands, desperate for steady breaths but trying to force it, it only made her chest ache. Three white tiled walls formed the rectangular shower and she turned to the one furthest away from the pounding water. There, pressing herself to the wall and her hands to her face, she began to cry.

 

* * *

 

Once she was dressed and her hair was somewhat dry, she followed Jason down the narrow, slightly steep, staircase to the first floor. It was a small farm house with wooden floors and peeling wallpaper. The photographs of the family who used to life there still hung on the wall. In the kitchen, her stomach rumbled upon smelling the hot food cooking, and at the square table in the center of the room, Will sat in one chair and Leo sat in one next to him, both of them smoking cigarettes (it was odd to see Will Byers with a cigarette in his hand. She still sees him as the kid he was four years ago) and sipping cups of coffee.

"Morning," Will greeted tiredly. He looked exhausted – as if he hadn't slept at all the night before – and when he saw her standing next to Jonathan, he was so very obviously trying not to smirk. "Morning," he said again and she blushed, all too aware of the fact that he definitely heard her last night.

"Good morning," she bravely greeted, jutting her chin out slightly. Yes, she had sex with his brother last night upstairs and yes, she had been a bit… vocal about it but she wasn't going to let her embarrassment show in front of any of them. "It smells delicious in here."

"How do you like your eggs?" Will asked, standing up. "I have six left and Jonathan already ate his so these are all yours. I can make you a really big omelet if you want."

"That sounds great. Thank you, Will," she nodded and then slowly lowered herself into the chair next to Leo. Jonathan sat heavily down in the other chair on the other side of her. "I can't remember the last time I had eggs. It had to have been before the outbreak."

"What's it like out there?" Leo asked, turning his head to exhale the smoke away from her. She was grateful for the small gesture.

"Out… there?" She asked and he nodded. "Well… it's…" she paused to scratch her forehead, searching for just the right word to describe everything but she was beginning to think that such a word hadn't been invented yet. "It's hopeless," she decided on softly. "There's nothing left. Just empty towns and buildings and cars and they're all just standing there, waiting for people to come back but there isn't ever going to anyone coming."

"And the walkers?" Leo was looking at her with the same intensity he had the day before while they had been eating steaks at the restaurant. "Are there a lot of them?"

"Near the cities, there are," she glanced to Jonathan to see him sipping on a cup of coffee but he wasn't looking at her. Instead, he seemed quite enamored with the collection of magnets sticking to the doors of the refrigerator. "They're kind of in pockets, I suppose. Some days, Jonathan and me would walk without seeing a single one and then other days, we'd be fighting them off constantly, it seemed. Are there many left around Errol? You seem to be quite in the middle of nowhere."

"We leave the lights in the towers burning twenty-four hours. The walkers stumble up, attracted to those lights like mosquitoes," Leo answered, tapping the collected ash on the end of his cigarette over the ashtray in the center of the table. "We like attracting them. Every dead-again walker is a good walker."

"Oh," she said, not sure what else to say to that.

"We also go out on hunting parties," Leo furthered explained.

"Hunting parties?" She felt a tug between her eyebrows and she frowned.

"Toast?" Will suddenly stood next to her near her elbow and without another word, he dropped two pieces of crisp toast in front of her. "I was telling Jonathan that I don't have any jam or anything like that. One of the ladies in town makes preserves but the berry crop has been shit this year so we're living without it."

"No, this is great," she gave him a small smile and then to show him, she took a small nibble from the toast. "Hunting parties?" She then repeated, looking back at Leo, waiting for an explanation. She really didn't like the sound of that.

Leo nodded. "Maybe your husband would be interested in coming with us.” He looked to Jonathan but Jonathan didn’t answer. He simply sipped at his coffee and didn't look at anyone. Leo looked back to her. "Hunting parties. We take the trucks and drive out to the desert. It's like an Africa safari hunting trip. But instead of lions or rhinos, we hunt and shoot walkers."

She was quiet for a moment, slightly stunned. That sounded… completely barbaric. But she knew that not everyone – almost no one – shared her opinion of walkers. They had once been people with families and lives and people who loved them. It hadn't been their fault they had turned into what they were now.

But she bit her tongue now, knowing that these people certainly wouldn't agree with that.

Instead, she swallowed – the toast feeling suddenly incredibly dry and heavy in her throat – and nodded. "Oh," she said again.

"Here you go," Will dropped a plate with a massive yellow omelet on it in front of her. He then handed her a fork. "Do you drink coffee?”

"I was never a big fan, but I did drink it sometimes,” she admitted.

Immediately, she found Leo pushing his cup gently in front of her. "Here. Try it now. You might change your mind.”

She picked up the chipped mug that said #1 Dad on the side – she tried not to think about that – and she took a careful sip, instantly grimacing. Leo laughed, Will shrugged but Jonathan remained completely stoic, only glancing at her before back down to his own cup.

"Oh my god," she gagged dramatically. "That's awful." Jonathan stood up from the table and a moment later, he placed a glass of cold water down in front of her. "Thank you," she gratefully took a swig.

"Well, this particular coffee is shitt, in all fairness.” Leo grinned at her. “

“I'll just stick with water, thanks," she lifted her glass in a silent toast and Leo laughed a little, taking back his mug and clinking it against her glass. She smiled at him and they both sipped their drinks, their eyes meeting over the rips of their cups. He really was quite handsome but she felt instantly guilty for that thought. He was completely different look-wise from Jonathan. How could she think two men so different from one another could both be so handsome?

She began to eat her omelet – she was convinced it was the best omelet in the world – and Will sat back down in his chair across from her.

"I was thinking I could show you and Nancy around town," he said to Jonathan. "Show you the farms and the purifier and some of the businesses people have started up. I can also show you all of the security.”

"Errol's the safest you'll ever be," Leo nodded.

"Nancy and I don't really like settlements," Jonathan said gently, but that's all he said. For a moment, the kitchen was quiet and there was only the sound of her fork clinking against the plate as she ate. She was absolutely famished.

"Well, you're my brother and you're safe here," Will said firmly.

Jonathan suddenly looked horribly guilty and, shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest, he stood. "I need some air." He looked down to her and he shook his head again, slightly. "I'll be right outside. It's okay," he told her quietly and she nodded but her eyes were wide with worry. She knows it’s killing him, thinking about leaving Will again.

He left the kitchen, the flimsy screen door slapping shut behind him, and Will took one last quick drag of his cigarette before he put it out and instantly followed. She turned in the chair to see the two brothers out in the backyard, standing a few feet apart. She couldn't hear what they were saying but Will seemed to be listening while Jonathan was the one doing most of the talking. She chewed on her bottom lip and with a soft sigh, turned back to the table.

"You okay?" Leo asked and she automatically nodded her head.

“I guess," she shrugged her shoulders, looking down at her half-eaten omelet. She no longer seemed to have an appetite and she pushed the plate away from her. Suddenly, she remembered the sheet upstairs. "Do you have somewhere I can wash a few things?" She asked him, having no idea how to get a blood stain out. She and Jonathan just tossed their clothes away – or burned them if there was walker blood – and retrieved new ones from stores they passed by. She didn't want to draw attention to it if she just burned the sheet.

Leo finished his cigarette and smashed it in the ashtray. He nodded, exhaling the last stream of smoke. "We do all of our washing in the river. Washing loads of clothes takes too much water and even though we have a water supply, we still try to conserve. I can take you to the river later this morning, after Will is finished showing you around."

"Thank you," she gave him a grateful smile. There was something about Leo… after three years of being just with Jonathan, she wasn't particularly used to being around people anymore, and strange men – especially after Portland – made her nervous. But Leo's blue eyes were warm and his smile was calm and she felt okay being left alone with him. "Are you originally from Errol?"

"L.A.," he answered, pausing to sip his coffee. "I was on my way to Savannah when I came upon this place and I just kind of stuck around. That was two years ago. I haven't been outside the gate since – except for hunting parties."

"Did you leave anyone behind?" She asked and then shook her head. "Wow, I'm sorry. I have no right to ask that."

He smiled a little. "My mom… she had Alzheimer's and I'm an only kid and my dad wasn't around so it was just me taking care of her. I had to eventually put her in a home."

"But you seem so young…"

He smiled again. "I'm twenty-four. My mom got hit with it real early. Anyway, in the home, I thought she would be safe. It was outside of the city and kind of secluded." He paused and she saw him swallow. She reached out and slid her hand on top of his on the table. He looked at her, staring into her eyes. "I don't know how but the virus got to them. She died during the outbreak and then it was just me and when the walkers started rising… L.A. was gone. There were walkers everywhere. Sometimes, I'm amazed I made it out," he admitted. His hand was warm underneath hers and his skin was tan and rough. He smirked a little. "I lived in L.A., trying to make it as a model. Can you believe that?"

"You're very handsome," she spoke before she could stop herself. He grinned at that and her cheeks blushed. She looked away, slowly removing her hand from his.

"You and Jonathan seem interesting together," he commented, picking up his coffee mug and taking a sip, never taking his eyes off of her.

"What do you mean?" She nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She was realizing that she didn't really know how to talk to people anymore.

Leo shrugged. "I don't know… it's just a vibe. What do I know?"

"Tell me," she said, growing more curious as to how others saw them as a pairing.

"Just remember… I often have my foot living in my mouth and I don't know anything about either of you," he warned her. "But… you two… I don't know. There doesn't seem to be much there – not for a married couple. He seems to… tolerate you. You love him, that's obvious. But with him… he doesn't even give off that he seems to like you."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My phone is being ridiculous and won’t let me respond to comments at the moment. It just keeps automatically scrolling up every time I try to type, if that makes sense. I promise I’ll respond to everyone as soon as I’m able to!

Will came in from the backyard, clearly angry. She skirted past him and went outside, seeing Jonathan standing at the edge of the grass, the yard surrounded by a chain-linked fence. Behind Will’s house, there was desert – brush and cacti – and beyond that, there was the tall fence that surrounded the entire town. She tried to ignore Leo's words from the kitchen as she slowly approached Jonathan. Leo was right. He didn't know either of them – at all – and things between herself and Jonathan were difficult to explain – especially after last night.

Jonathan’s body was tense and she came around to stand in front of him. He didn't look at her and she didn't try and speak to him. Instead, she stepped forward and her arms slipped around his waist, hugging him. She turned her head and rested her ear to his chest over his heart. He was tight and on edge but that didn't discourage her. She kept hugging him, listening to the steady thump of his heart and the gentle but hot breeze blowing. After what seemed like an hour, he lifted his arms and he wrapped them around her, practically crushing her to his chest – not that she minded. He rested his chin on top of her head and she smiled to herself. This is what she wanted. He rarely gave them – hardly ever – but in her opinion, Jonathan gave the absolute best hugs. 

But then, it was as if he realized what he was doing and putting his hands on her shoulders, he gently extracted them from one another. He took a step back and he carefully pushed her back a step, making sure there was ample room between them. She suppressed a sigh and he ran his hands through his hair before his arms crossed over his chest.

“Do you really wanna know what I did?”

Nancy exhaled sharply, not expecting this. It takes her a minute to answer. “Yes. I do.”

Jonathan shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away. “After what happened with my mom, Hopper and Will...I was in a dark place. I wanted to _die_ , Nancy. I stopped caring what happened to me. But I needed to find Will. That was the only thing keeping me from putting a gun in my mouth.”

He didn't look at her as he talked and she didn't even know if she was breathing anymore. She didn't move a muscle in fear that it would stop him from continuing.

“There was this family...at the time I didn’t know what they were arguing about, not until after it happened, but the dad, he...he was shaking the little girl, and she looked so _scared_ …” He paused and she realized she was holding her breath. Her heart stopped.

He exhaled. “I kept thinking about my father, how much of a bastard he was to us. And I just lost it. I...I killed him, right in front of his family. I didn’t care that the kids were there, watching...screaming...begging me to stop. And his wife...I don’t think I’ll ever forget her screams. But I kept going. I stabbed him, over and over again until I was _covered_ in his blood.” She didn't know why but she felt tears sting her eyes. She looked down to the ground, not sure how she felt about this confession. This was what he had been keeping from her and being so careful about never revealing. She couldn't tell him to stop. She wanted, needed, to hear all of this.

"When I was done, I just stood there, staring at them. They were terrified of me. Thought I was a monster…” He trailed off and he wasn't looking at her either, looking past her towards the tall fence in the distance. "You know what they were arguing about? The daughter almost got killed by a walker because she went off on her own. That’s why he was shaking her. He was scared because he almost _lost her._ And I just took him away from them like it was nothing. I don’t even know if they’re still _alive_. I don’t know if they could have survived without him.”

She closed her eyes, a tear escaping and trickling down her cheek. She wiped it away and suddenly, the omelet that she had eaten felt like a piece of lumber in her stomach. She felt moments away from throwing up.

"Now you know why I couldn’t tell you. Because I didn’t want to see that look on you have on your face.” He stopped suddenly and she could feel him looking at her. She couldn't look at him though. Not now. She needed a minute – or five. She had fallen in love with this man. She had slept with this man, giving him her virginity. She didn't even know him and she had just spread her legs for him and told him she loved him and she… She shook her head slightly. She dug her fingers in her eyes, desperate to keep from crying. She was so sick of all of this crying. She blamed her period, which was due to arrive any day now.

Jonathan had done a bad thing, and the fact that he took away a father from his family...She doesn’t know what to think right now.

“You were my redemption, Nancy,” he said softly. “I saw you and you needed help and you were scared and I knew that I had to do the right thing this time. I wasn’t going to let you die. I thought...I had taken a life, so maybe I could save one. But you have to know...you saved me, too, Nance.”

The tears were fast and hot on her cheeks despite her constant attempts at wiping them.

"And last night… I've been trying so fucking hard to not just protect you from everything out there but from me, too, and last night, I was weak and you were talking and I realized how much I wanted you. And now, you hate me." He was quiet for minutes that seemed to stretch into hours but she still wouldn't turn to look at him. "I'm sorry, Nancy," he whispered, the warm breeze carrying his soft words to her.

She had no idea what to say. What could she possibly say to any of this? It was too much and she tried to remind herself that this was what she wanted. This was what she been pleading for and now, he had given her exactly what she wanted. She didn't know how to handle any of it though. It was just too much and she hadn't been expecting it and her mind felt as it had numbed over completely with the barrage of truth that had just hit it.

"Nancy—“

She couldn't be around him – not right now. Without looking at him, keeping her head down, she turned and hurried away, having no idea where she was going but knowing that she just had to get away at the moment. He didn't call out to her and he didn't stop her. He let her go and she was actually thankful for that. She needed time and when he was around, she could hardly breathe and she certainly wouldn't be able to think.

She kept walking and walking and when she finally looked around, when her eyes finally focused, she saw that she had walked blocks away and was standing on a street corner next to a faded blue mailbox. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on edge and she spun around to see behind her. Leo stood quite a few feet away, silent and still, his gunshot in both hands. He looked at her and she looked at him for a moment. He was following her, looking out for her. She wondered if Jonathan had told him to do that or if he had done it on his own.

Feeling suddenly completely drained, realizing that the sun was still rising in the east and it was still morning, she sank down and sat on the street curb, drawing her knees to her chest, hugging them. She was no longer crying – thank god – and now, she tried to concentrate on her breathing and keep it steady.

She wasn't sure how much time passed but she wasn't surprised when Leo slowly sat down next to her, stretching his legs out in front of her, resting his gun across his lap.

"Are you okay?" He asked her, staring straight ahead.

She almost began to laugh. What a ridiculous question. "Everything sucks," she rested her chin on one of her knees. "Understatement of all time."

He smirked at that and then reaching into the pocket of his light jacket, he pulled out a somewhat smashed cigarette and then a book of matches. Striking it, he cupped his hands around the fragile flame and lit the end of the cigarette, taking a puff and flicking the dead match into the gutter.

"I've been with him for three years," she whispered. "It's just been me and him and he has done everything to keep me safe. He's protected me."

"Is that why you love him?" He asked.

"No…" she shook her head but she wasn't sure now. "I… don't think so. I have to be in love with him. Otherwise, this wouldn't hurt as much as it does." She closed her eyes, smelling the cigarette smoke, feeling the warm breeze growing hotter, and she felt Leo rest a hand on her back. She instantly stiffened. "Don't," she whispered and his hand was instantly gone.

"Sorry," he murmured softly.

"I don't like anyone touching me. Except…" Jonathan. The word passed silently between them. But was that still true? After everything he told her, would she welcome his touch? His hugs and his hands and if he ever wanted to kiss her again, would she let him?

"I'm fascinated by you," he said unexpectedly.

"You don't know me," she shook her head, opening her eyes to look at him sitting next to her, still staring straight ahead.

"I know but you fascinate me because you have no idea how incredible you are," he took a puff from his cigarette and exhaled into the wind so it wouldn't carry to her. "You survived three years out there. You have no idea how amazing that is. Three years without shelter or protection-"

"I've had Jonathan," she said quietly.

He continued as if he hadn't heard. "To survive three years out there with nothing and staying alive and not going crazy… you're a warrior."

She laughed at that. She couldn't help it. She was a warrior? Hardly. She was a scared girl who didn't know what she was doing. She was a crap shot, she cried too much, sometimes, she still felt like she was twelve-years-old instead of twenty-one, and she always felt like such a burden. Jonathan had every right to leave her behind…

But he hadn't.

"Nancy."

As if he knew she was thinking about him – as if there was a time when she didn't think about him – Jonathan appeared behind her, standing on the sidewalk, his shadow looming over her. She turned and looked at him from over her shoulder. Had he been following her, too? Had he been following Leo? Jonathan had never left her alone. Even when she couldn't see him, he was always near.

"Will wants to give us a tour of the town," he told her, watching her closely, and she nodded, looking back to Leo.

"Thank you for the laugh," she smiled faintly, sadly. "It's been a long time."

"I didn't actually mean to make you laugh. I was telling you the truth," he said.

"Still… thank you."

She stood up, brushing her hands against the back of her jeans, and she turned to Jonathan. "I haven't seen Kermit since yesterday. Rachel gave him a steak bone."

"We'll check near the restaurant. I'm sure he's wandering around somewhere," Jonathan said and his eyes were fixated on her intently.

She looked away though and she didn't care if it was cowardly. He needed to give her more time. Hopefully, he understood.

"I also have to wash the sheet," she reminded him quietly. "Leo said I can wash it in the river." She looked up to see him nodding, his eyes cutting over to Leo before back to her.

"I'll have Will take us there after he shows us around," he said and she nodded now, her eyes quickly looking away.

Why did she love him? _Did_ she love him? She didn't know anymore and her head hurt.

She led the way down the sidewalk though Jonathan was right behind her and Leo walked behind them both. She wasn't sure which directions to take and Jonathan’s fingers would gently curl around her elbow, guiding her when she had to turn.

"Nancy," he spoke, his voice low and she knew he didn't want Leo to overhear. "I'm still not going to stay here. I'm still heading towards Savannah. I just have to convince Will to come, too. Are you…”

Her mind was no longer numb at the unasked question. _Are you coming with me?_ Since he confessed to her, her mind was clear though the answer was not. "I don't know what I'm going to do," she said and the words dropped like weights from her tongue.

Jonathan’s fingers left her elbow and she looked to the ground as she walked.

What were her options? Go to Savannah with Jonathan or go off on her own? Leo was right. She had survived three years in the open, no small feat, but a large part of her survival had been because of Jonathan. She honestly doubted she would make it very far without him. And staying in a settlement, that wasn't an option. She wasn't even going to entertain the thought of staying somewhere like this.

"It's going to be a hot day today," she said, tilting her head up now, squinting towards the sun, feeling it's oppressive warmth. She took of the red flannel shirt she was wearing and tied it around her waist, leaving her in a black tee-shirt, her arms perfectly exposed.

"Don't…" Jonathan began but stopped himself.

"There are no walkers around," she reminded him.

"Yeah, she doesn't have to cover up like that while she's here," Leo spoke up and she looked just in time to see the glare Jonathan fired in his direction. "She's perfectly safe while she's here."

She didn't necessarily agree with that last part but she didn't voice it. She was being immature and petty – she knew it – but she took a small joy in shutting Jonathan down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it makes sense that Nancy’s a little angry and shocked right now about Jonathan’s confession. In my head, it was the fact that Jonathan took away a child’s father that got to her the most, especially because she knows what it’s like to lose her own parents. She just needs to wrap her head around this for a little longer. But she’s also heartbroken because of Jonathan, for obvious reasons. Add those two things together and you’ve got a Nancy who’s not Jonathan’s biggest fan right now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very special chapter ;)

" _You okay?" He asked, noticing her limping. It was the first time he had spoken to her all night – since he had found her, and they had begun walking._

_She nodded, out of breath, her leg and lungs burning. But she wasn't going to complain. They were moving quickly and they couldn't stop. Too many walkers around._

_The handkerchief he had tied around her thigh was seeped with blood and she bit down on her lip to keep from crying out. She trudged after him, trying to keep up. He stopped walking though and turned to face her._

_"I'm okay," she told him though she was nearly shaking with how much pain that tore from her leg. This couldn't be real. This couldn't be happening. There’s no way her whole family is dead…_

_Without a word, he shifted his gun to one hand and turning his back to her, he stooped down. She didn't need further instructions. She managed to crawl onto his back and he stood up, hooking one arm under her knee, easily holding her up._

_"Thank you," she whispered with relief. "I'm Nancy Wheeler, if you remember. We went to school together and our brother’s were best friends.”_

_"I remember. I’m Jonathan.”_

_She had just run away from her dad … but that hadn't been her dad. He had been so pale and he had been practically snarling and he had tried to bite her, just like he had ripped her brother’s throat out. She had run into the bathroom of the home they had been held up in, locking the door behind her, screaming as he pounded on it, trying to knock it in. She had managed to escape through the small window above the toilet, cutting her leg deeply on the screen. She understood that it had happened but she couldn't believe that it had. None of this seemed real. Jonathan had found her on her back in the woods, crying as three walkers were advancing on her, ready to tear into her flesh. He had aimed his shotgun right to her head, thinking for a moment that she had already been bitten and was shit out of luck, but then he had recognized her and his hand faltered. His eyes flicked to her bloody leg before back to her face._

_"Are you bit?" He asked after taking down the walkers, and she frantically shook her head. He paused for just another moment and then nodded. "Can you walk?"_

_She nodded this time. "I think so." She gasped when he suddenly grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet as if she weighed nothing. She realized immediately that she couldn't put much weight on her thigh and she stood, perched on one foot like a flamingo, shifting, trying to balance. She suddenly wished she hadn't quit gymnastics._

_Without a word, he dropped down to his knees and tugged a blue handkerchief from the back pocket of his jeans and he tied it tightly around the cut, making her wince. He stood up again, grasping his shotgun in both hands. "Thank you," she tried to breathe._

_He nodded silently and then looked around. He heard a twig snap and he aimed his gun in that direction. Nothing revealed itself though and he lowered his gun but his stance remained tense. She felt like she was going to throw up. She had never been more scared in her life. He glanced at her._

_"Try to keep up," was all he said. There was no discussion. They seemed to both understand that she was going to be coming with him._

_She nodded, eyes wide, and he turned, heading through the trees. She tested a variety of limps, finally deciding that the little weight she could put on the tips of her toes would help. She set off after him as quickly as physically possible._

_They walked for what seemed like hours. The woods stretched ahead, and around them, for miles and they thrust themselves deeper and deeper within them. Once Jonathan had swung her onto his back, he managed to somehow walk faster. She was so tired and her leg kept bleeding. She must have cut it much deeper than she had thought. Jonathan was just a tiny bit more muscular than she remembered and he smelled like sulfur; like the air after a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. She wondered how many times he had fired that shotgun in his hands._

_“Have you been through these woods already?” He asked her._

_She nodded. “The car broke down and we had to walk through here.”_

_“Do you know if these woods have lookouts? Like for fires?”_

_"Can you stop for a second?" She requested and he did so immediately, his gun raised and ready. Slowly, reluctantly, she slid from his back to her feet. She stuck a finger in her mouth and then held it up. "Testing the wind…" she explained softly though he didn't ask. "It's blowing… northwest. We need to be heading east." She turned in the appropriate direction and, this time, Jonathan was the one following her as she began to limp forward. "There's a creek about ten miles east of here, I think. Have we walked ten miles?"_

_"We haven't crossed any water," he said and she sighed with relief._

_"Good. That's good. There's a lookout post right on the other side of the creek. We never scavenged it, so I don’t know what’s in there. The water is safe to drink. Never drink still-standing water. That’s what my father taught me when he used to take me and my siblings camping for a week every summer.” **Until I started refusing to go…**_

_Feeling him looking at her, she turned her head to look at him from over her shoulder._

_"What?" She asked him, suddenly very unsure of everything she was saying. This boy standing before her, he was intense. His eyes were dark and staring at her, studying her. People at school used to make fun of him for how weird they claimed he was, how he was a loner who liked to take pictures of everything. An outsider._

_"I never would have pegged you as an outdoors girl," he answered._

_She felt her cheeks heat. "It was my father who made us go. And I was a Girl Scout. I don't know everything but I know the basics. If you know anything better-"_

_Another twig snapped and they heard something groan. Immediately, Jonathan spun, his gun aimed and with his other hand, he pushed her behind him. She gladly hid behind his back, her body already quaking with fear._

_She peeked out from behind Jonathan after a moment. Something shuffled from the trees and the darkness and she saw that, yes, it was just a walker. He was shuffling and his mouth was hanging open as if he was incapable of closing it. And he was pale – so pale. He groaned then and it reminded her of creaking wood. She couldn't help but scream in surprise when Jonathan fired his gun, the strength and the volume of the shot almost pushing her back a step._

_Jonathan didn't say a word and then he strode forward as the walker fell to the forest floor heavily. He had shot him right in the head and the walker was now still. She clasped both hands over her mouth, staying right where she was. Her and her family had been on the road for about a year trying to survive and had managed to avoid getting close to walkers. If they saw one, they were gone as fast as they had arrived. So seeing walkers up close and seeing them be killed...it terrified her._

_"If you shoot them in the head, they stay down," Jonathan said, still staring down at the walker._

_"I…" her voice was shaking; her entire body was shaking. "I've never fired a gun before. I… I don't know how to shoot one."_

_"You're going to have to learn," was all he said._

_They began walking again and with each passing mile, she felt her body began to sway. She didn't say anything though. Jonathan clearly had more experience with this than she did._

_"Jonathan," she whispered, everything spinning around her. She felt herself start to slip but suddenly, she was in his arms, him hoisting her up and holding her easily._

_"You've lost a lot of blood. How far from the creek are we?" He asked, hardly missing a step as he continued on._

_She shook her head and she didn't mean to but she rested her head to his chest. She could hardly keep her eyes open. "I don't know where we are. East. Just head east. We'll pass Cripple Creek eventually."_

_"Cripple Creek?"_

_"Like the song."_

_"What song?"_

_She felt a weak smile form across her lips. "You know. The song, **Up on Cripple Creek** , by The Band."_

_"What band?"_

_She laughed this time. "This reminds me of Abbott and Costello. And don't you dare tell me you don't know who they are."_

_"I've heard of them."_

_"Are you just telling me that?"_

_"Yes."_

_She laughed again but then quickly silenced herself. "Wait." He immediately stopped and she forced herself to lift her head, her ears strained. "Listen. Hear that?" He nodded._

_"We're close. You can put me down." He looked at her and she nodded. "I'm okay. I can walk a little bit further."_

_They came upon the creek nearly fifteen minutes later. It was a wide and there was no footbridge, but it would be easy enough to cross without it. She went first, testing the sturdiness of the rocks beneath her as she moved from one to another, acting as if the water was hot lava – a game she and Mike used to play with pillows spread out on the floor and they would hop from one to another without touching the carpet. Her leg screamed each time she stretched it forward but she pushed herself on, trying to ignore it for the time being. She kept glancing back to Jonathan, seeing that he was right behind her._

_Once her feet were planted firmly on the opposite bank, she looked up to the tall trees towering over her. By now, her eyes were adjusted to the darkness of the vast forest and she spotted the wooden outpost built on strong stilts, several hundred feet into the trees._

_"You go first. The hatch door might be locked and you'll… the gun will come in handy," she explained and he nodded._

_He looked at her leg with a raised eyebrow before back at her. "You can make it?"_

_"I'm going to have to, won't I?" She replied, not wanting to think of other people or walkers possibly shuffling through the trees that they couldn't see. “Can walkers climb?”_

_"We'll find out," he said and then strode forward to the ladder that stretched upwards._

_She remained waiting at the bottom, watching him climb, his body eventually fading into the darkness. She held her breath, her entire body tight with tension, and she felt as if she was being watched. She grasped one of the ladder rungs in front of her, easing the weight from off her leg, her head still tilted up. She wanted to say his name but she wanted to remain silent. She waited … and waited… and…_

_"It's open!" He hissed down and she exhaled._

_She grinded her teeth down as she began awkwardly climbing the ladder, hopping and pulling herself up, sweating and losing her breath. It felt as if it took her forever to ascend, climbing higher and higher, and when she finally saw the open square in the floor of the lookout above her, she rested, leaning heavily against the ladder._

_"Don't fall," he said and laying down on his stomach, he thrust most of his upper body through the opening, his arms stretched out._

_She smiled. "Good advice."_

_She hobbled up a couple more rungs and then she gasped when Jonathan was able to hook his hands underneath her arms and pull her up through the floor's opening. The instant she was inside the post, on the floor, he slammed the door shut, sliding the deadbolt into place again. It smelled of pine and lingering moth balls. There was a cot in the corner, an old-fashioned wood-burning stove, a table with a couple of chairs and a small kitchenette._

_"You should lie down," he suggested but she immediately shook her head._

_"My leg…"_

_He stood up and went to the kitchen area, ripping open cabinets with determination. When he found the first-aid kit, he ripped it from the shelf. He came back to sit down next to her. She untied the handkerchief with trembling fingers and she grimaced as she assessed the damage. She had definitely cut her thigh much deeper than she had thought. Jonathan searched through the supplies and she jumped when he suddenly pulled a lighter out and flicked it open._

_"We need to sterilize these," he explained, holding up a pair of metal tongs to the small flame. "I think you have something still stuck in there." She felt a wave of nausea roll over her. "And we'll definitely need to sew it up, too." He found a needle and thread._

_"Have you done anything like this before?”_

_He froze for a moment, a dark look passing over his face. Then he nodded. “Yeah, I’ve done things like this before. Here," he handed her a flashlight. "Hold this as steady as you can on your leg. I need to see what I'm doing. What'd you cut this on?"_

_"A bathroom window," she swallowed, her hand already shaking and she clasped the flashlight with both hands, trying to keep it still. "My dad… he was coming after me. He…he wasn’t my dad anymore. I didn’t even know he had been bit in the first place. He killed my brother.”_

_“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said quietly before changing the subject. “You can't scream," he then looked to her. "I don't know if they can climb up here and-" She cut him off with a frantic nod of her head. "And this is really going to hurt. I think it might be a little bit of the metal frame that broke off and I don't know how deep it is. If you pass out, that might be best."_

_She felt all color drain from her face and she felt nauseous again._

_He looked around and then found a small stick. "Here. Bite down on this." He held it to her mouth and she took a minute but then she parted her jaws and he placed the stick between them. She immediately bit down as hard as she could._

_She lasted only two minutes of Jonathan prodding around in her thigh with the tongs and of her muffled screams before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and the darkness swept around her, engulfing her, greeting her with their open arms._

_When she woke up again, she felt softness underneath her and for a disoriented moment, she thought she was in her bedroom at home. But then she saw the window above the bed. It was still dark and there were tall pine trees outside – not like home. She slowly sat up and saw that she was in a single small room – constructed of wood – and she saw a boy crouched at the table. She was lying on the cot, a scratchy wool blanket covering her, and she felt completely numb. Spotting her movement, Jonathan turned towards her._

_"Here," he held up a bottle of whiskey – half empty. "It'll help."_

_He crouched down next to the bed and as she took the bottle, wrinkling her nose at the smell of the strong alcohol, he gently peeled the blanket back. She gasped in surprise when she saw that she was no longer wearing her blue jeans and was now just in panties._

_"I had to cut them out of the way," he explained, studying her stitches closely. She felt a flush heat her entire body and she forced herself to tilt her head back, taking a small sip of the whiskey. It burned going down and she sputtered. "Do you know if there's a town nearby?" He asked, taking the bottle from her as she continued to cough._

_She managed a nod. "Ethics."_

_"Ethics?"_

_"Ethics, Washington. It's about twenty miles if we still head east from Cripple Creek. It's small. Just a camping town that depends on the forest's tourism," she explained._

_"Was it wiped out completely? Or are there still people there?"_

_"I don't know," she shook her head. "We didn’t stop there.”_

_He sighed heavily, leaning back. He looked to her leg again and then with a tenderness that surprised her, he pulled the blanket over her leg again, smoothing it out. "We'll rest here for a few more hours. I'll carry you after that. You need to keep as much weight off of that as possible."_

_"You're not going to carry me to Ethics. It's twenty miles," she told him again._

_"And you don't weigh anything," he said and then stood up. "Once we get to Ethics, you can walk. Think of what sort of supplies you’re gonna need.”_

_He turned away without another word and went back to the table, sitting down heavily in one of the chairs, spinning dials on the radio that didn’t work. She laid down, blinking up at the ceiling. After a few minutes, she closed her eyes. Her body felt cold with numbness and grief. She wasn't able to sleep._


	13. Chapter 13

“We'll start on the edges and work our way in," Will explained as they all piled into the rusty old car he drove.

Will was behind the wheel and Jonathan was in the front passenger seat next to him. Nancy sat behind Jonathan in the back and Leo sat next to her, behind Will. It was a tight fit and his jean-clad thigh was pressed against her own. She tried to – as casually as possible – press herself on the far side of the seat, putting a miniscule amount of space between them. She noticed something down near her leg and she looked to see that Jonathan had pushed his arm back between his seat and the door, reaching back towards her. She smiled faintly and rested her hand over his, touching him lightly. She was nervous and he knew she was. At the idea of seeing more of the settlement, her stomach was in a knot she couldn't ease but where Jonathan went, she went, too, and if his brother was going to show him around, she was going to be coming along.

His words, his confession, were still too fresh in her mind and after the brief contact, she pulled her hand back and sat back in her seat. She wasn't ready for them to be touching one another yet. She glanced towards Leo and he was looking at her. She didn't say anything and neither did he. He gave her a small smile and she managed to return it before turning her head away. Will turned the key in the ignition and the car rumbled to life, almost startling her. It had been a long time since she had been in an automobile.

Will drove fast, tearing out of the house's driveway and peeling down the street. She tried to look at the passing landscape but the wind was blowing in her eyes and things were passing too quickly. She wound up closing her eyes and she didn't open them again until the car came to a screeching sudden lurch of a halt. They were at the main gate – the one she and Jonathan had just passed through yesterday. Yesterday? Had that honestly been all of the time that had passed?

The three men leapt out and suddenly, Leo was on her side, holding out his hand. She hesitantly took his hand and got out of the car.

"Thank you," she said softly and he smiled at her.

Suddenly, Jonathan grabbed her hand and tugged her towards him. She nearly stumbled, not having expected it, and she looked at him, confused. He wasn't looking at her but she could see the tense set of his jaw. She had no idea what was going on but she didn't argue. She kept her hand locked with Jonathan’s – though his grip was so tight, she couldn't pull away even if she wanted to (and she didn't know if she wanted to) – and she followed him as he followed Will, Leo bringing up the rear of the four-person train.

"You met Keith and Ron yesterday," Will nodded to the two men at their positions in front of the gate. "They're the gatekeepers during the day. We have four gatekeepers on twelve hour shifts, and then guards on the towers on eight hour shifts. The fence surrounds the entire town's perimeter with a tower every one hundred feet."

"How big is it?" Jonathan asked, squinting in the sun as he looked up to the nearest tower. A man stood there with a shotgun comfortably in his arms.

"We're sitting on about fifty acres. Maybe a bit too small for everything we got but small is good. Small enough to manage," Will answered, He cocked his head to the side. "Come on, I'll take you up."

He headed towards a metal staircase and Jonathan followed, which meant that she followed as well. Their feet echoed on the steps as they made their way up to the first tower. There was a walkway that went around the entire perimeter, connecting one tower to another, and after Will nodded to the tower guard, he led them out into the walkway. The view was magnificent, stretching out before them, the New Mexico desert underneath the perfect clear blue sky. It seemed to go on forever.

"There's one," Will said suddenly, pointing his finger out. She looked and saw a walker stumbling about, white and rotting, and it nearly fell into a cactus. "Stupid shits,” Will snorted at it. “Hank!" He then called out and within seconds, the man from the first tower, shaggy blonde hair and an eye patch over his left eye, was at Will’s side, holding a rifle. Will took it from him. Jonathan watched his brother and slowly extracted his hand from hers. She stiffened, knowing she didn't want to watch this but unable to look away. Will positioned himself, resting the gun on top of the fence, and squeezing one eye shut, he aimed towards the walker. He took another second and then his finger pulled the trigger. The gun exploded with a sharp crack and the walker was shot directly between the eyes, falling down face first, a cloud of dirt puffing up around the still body.

"Damn," Leo nodded in admiration and Jonathan smiled slightly, slapping a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

She felt sick to her stomach. She inched away from the group, stepping further down the walkway, needing space. She was drawing nearer to the next tower and she stopped, looking out over the fence, taking in the view. It really was beautiful. She and Jonathan had been walking for so long, walking so far, but she rarely took the time to actually look around her. There were always other things to think about besides the passing landscape. The only time she ever really took it all in was at night as she blinked up at the stars and tried to remember the constellations.

Leo slid up beside her. He didn't look at her. He leaned his elbows forward on the fence and stared ahead. She mimicked him, arms resting, eyes forward. The sun was hot and the breeze was warm and she closed her eyes, suddenly trying to remember what snow felt like. She and Jonathan had been in the desert for so long, she was ready to leave. Would she leave with him though? He was still heading to Savannah and she didn't want to stay here. She kept her eyes closed and besides the snow, she tried to imagine making it without him. For the past three years, everything she had done, it had been with him right there next to her. She didn't know if she even knew how to exist without him.

Her body flinched when the rifle shot again, it cracking and echoing across the open sky, but she didn't open her eyes.

"Nancy, look," Leo suddenly said softly and his voice sounded right in her ear. And despite not wanting to, she opened her eyes. She nearly gasped. "Do you see it?" He asked and she nodded, leaning a bit more into the fence to look.

There, hidden amongst the brush just a few feet from the outer fence, there was a cheetah lying, its tail swishing and flicking lazily.

"The zoo across the border in Texas, Amarillo, the animals escaped during the plague. Most of them died from drinking infected water but some have wandered a long time… survival of the fittest," he explained, perhaps leaning in a bit too close, but she was completely mesmerized from the cheetah. In all of the miles of travel, she and Jonathan had never seen anything like it.

"It's beautiful," she said softly, hypnotized by the gorgeous wild cat.

He nodded. “Except every time I see it, I think of _Thundercats_.”

For the second time that day, she laughed and he grinned at her.

"I loved cartoons when I was a kid. I would get up early every Saturday, go downstairs, pour my bowl of Cookie Crisp and spend the entire morning in my pajamas in the living room, watching cartoons. I tried to draw but I was always such shit at it," Leo said.

"Me, too," she smiled, nodding. "It was a bit embarrassing. I could barely draw a potato.

"Hey. Don't be so hard on yourself. Potatoes are really hard to draw," he teased, smiling. She laughed, clutching her hands around the top of the fence and then leaned back, stretching her arms out. "How long have you been married?" He asked her suddenly.

"Three years," she gave him the answer she and Jonathan had created for such questions while they were in other settlements. “We got married a few months after we met.”

"So, was there someone to officiate it?" He asked.

She smiled, shaking her head, still watching the cheetah. "No, it was just me and him, holding hands, saying our own vows, declaring ourselves husband and wife." She glanced at him to find that he was staring at her. "There's really no need for white dresses and churches anymore, is there?" She asked him.

"I guess not," he shrugged. "And you love him?"

"Completely," she nodded, her answer instant, and she felt her mind pause, wondering if that was the truth still.

Turning her head, she looked back to where Jonathan stood with Will and Hank, the gun now along his side, the barrel pointing towards the ground. He was nodding, listening to whatever it was that Will was telling him, but she saw that his eyes kept glancing over to her. She suddenly felt a warmth encase her that she knew had nothing to do with the hot, dry desert air. Flashes from last night played out suddenly through her mind. Of his mouth, open and wet, kissing everywhere on her body that he could reach, of her fingers tangled in his hair, gasping and pressing her body against his, pleading for more, much more. Gasping his name and hearing him whisper hers. Of his body on top of hers, rubbing and rocking, the ache between her legs as her body parted and spread for his…

She clenched her thighs together now and had to look away, feeling herself blush. She wanted him again. Was that normal? Was it alright to still look at him and want him and want to be near him? Was something wrong with her? Now that she had sex, was she turning into some sexual addict, wanting it constantly?

She remembered Leo standing next to her, still looking at her. "You make me laugh," she informed him and he smiled.

"You have a great laugh," he told her.

"I don't really laugh that much anymore," she admitted, realizing it to be true. "I miss it."

He didn't say anything but he smiled at that and seemed to stand a little taller. From the corner of her eye, she saw Jonathan walk towards her. She saw him glance towards Leo and Leo smirked before taking a few steps back, heading towards Will again, leaving them alone. She didn't look at him but she pointed outwards.

"Look," she said softly as if a loud voice would suddenly cause the cheetah to flee.

He looked. "That's incredible." He stood next to her, facing towards the fence and he leaned his arms forward on it, looking out. "Do you want to be around me anymore?" He then asked, almost in a whisper.

"Yes," she whispered and they stood so close to one another, their arms touched and neither moved away. She closed her eyes and leaning in, she rested her head on his shoulder. "Thank you for telling me," she said and he stiffened slightly. "That's all I've wanted for so long. All I've wanted was you."

He was quiet for a moment and the cheetah stood up, stretching back and then forward, opening its mouth in a yawn. It slowly began to walk away and they watched it go.

"He makes you laugh," Jonathan spoke suddenly, turning his head to look at her.

It took her a moment to realize that he was speaking about Leo. "He does," she nodded, seeing no need to lie. She didn't understand why his entire body stiffened though. She had simply told him the truth – the truth he had already seemed to know himself.

* * *

 They left the car at the main gate and continued on foot, heading through the main thoroughfare of Errol. Will and Jonathan walked in front, side by side, and she walked behind them. Leo walked behind her, his gun resting back against his shoulder and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck on constant edge, knowing he was staring at her.

“Can’t  you just stay?” Will suddenly asked his brother quietly.

Jonathan didn’t answer for a moment, then slung an arm around Will. “We’ll talk about it later. Okay?”

Will sighed but didn't respond. After a moment, he pointed to a brick building they were passing. "Errol's school. We have about twenty kids that go and two women who had been teachers before the outbreak. Kids go to school from when they're five to thirteen," he explained.

"Thirteen?" She didn't mean to ask out loud but it slipped before she could stop herself.

Will glanced at her from over his shoulder. "Why go longer? It's not like there's anything else they can do with schooling, like go to college.”

"How many people are here?" Jonathan asked. "About a hundred?"

"Yep, one hundred and three to be exact," Will answered. "I keep track of all of them. Got to. I have to know who belongs here. A few of them are from Errol originally but they got hit hard with the plague and most of them died. Most of these people have come like me, you and Nancy. I...I try to keep them all safe and we've started our own new world here.

“But you said not everyone likes the fact that you’re the leader?” Nancy spoke up.

“They think I’m too young—which is fair. But they also think that because I’m young, that makes me stupid and weak, and I’m not. At least I try not to be. But there are definitely a couple of people around here who think they   
should be the leader.”

"I guess that explains why you need a bodyguard," she frowned.

"Yeah. I’m trying my best to rebuild something here. Marcus...did things that I really don’t want to think about right now.” Will sighed. “I’d like to think that what I’ve built here is a hell of a lot better than what’s out there—“

"Don't be so sure about that," she snapped at him without even meaning to. She doesn’t want to take her anger and hurt out on Will. He seemed like one of the few good people still left out there, and it’s not his fault that things are complicated between her and Jonathan. Will’s eyes widened in surprise and she felt like such an asshole.

"Come here," Jonathan suddenly grabbed her hand and yanked her away. They crossed the street and stood on the sidewalk opposite of Will and Leo, who were glancing over to them every few seconds. "Nancy," Jonathan said, turning her so they faced each other and his hands grasped both of hers.

"I'm leaving," she declared to him. "I'm not going to stay here. Don’t get me wrong, Jonathan, I have nothing against your brother. He’s a good kid and I never meant to snap at him like that. But I have a terrible feeling about this place and I don’t want to be here anymore.”

He nodded. He stared at her for a moment and then glanced to Will before back to her. "We'll leave tonight. I need him to show me the armory. He mentioned this morning that he has an entire building stocked with ammo and I need to get us some before we leave."

She shook her head. "That won't work. He clearly doesn't want you to leave and he's not going to leave you alone for a second.”

“Nancy, I’m not leaving without talking to my brother. I need to make him understand why we can’t stay here any longer. He needs to know that...that I don’t want to leave him ever again, but…” He shook his head. “And besides, we need food. Not only do we need more ammo, but we're out of food. We can't go out in the desert again without those things.”

She stared up at him, never looking away from his eyes. Her heart was pounding at the base of her throat. She was happy, very happy, and without thinking, she stood up on her toes and she kissed him, her lips hard against his and her hands on his shoulders for balance. His lips were stiff but only for a moment and then he kissed her back, making her moan softly as his hands gripped her hips tightly.

"Jonathan," she whispered breathlessly as their lips parted. Their eyes opened and they stared at one another. "I need you to look around. Really look around. There are hardly any women in this place. And besides Rachel from the restaurant… I've only seen three women so far and they have all been pregnant. I don't think that's a coincidence.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys. 
> 
> Shit is going down in this chapter. 
> 
> Don’t hate me.

With her hand encased in his, they crossed the street, going to Will and Leo again. She was going to keep

"Is everything okay? Sorry if I said something wrong.” Will sounded sincere in that he was honestly worried he had upset Nancy.

“You didn’t say anything wrong. I’m so sorry for snapping at you,” Nancy apologized, feeling better when Will relaxed.

Jonathan nodded. "We're just hungry. I'm going to take her to Rachel's."

"We'll go with you," Will immediately said but Jonathan shook his head and gave his brother an apologetic smile. Will didn’t seem to take offense though and smiled back, nodding. When Leo wasn’t looking, his smile dropped and Nancy saw him quickly slip a piece of folded up paper to Jonathan.

“Never mind. You two go spend some time together,” he said. "Rachel's is two blocks down. Me and Leo have some things we should take care of, anyway. You’re just going to Rachel's, right?"

"Where else would we go?" Jonathan asked and the question hung heavily in the air.

Still holding his hand, she walked with Jonathan down the sidewalk, able to feel Will and Leo's eye watching them. She felt cold and the desert sun beat down on them from above. It was just past noon now and she felt a droplet of sweat trickle down the back of her neck. She wiped it away with her other hand. They passed two other people and she watched Jonathan instead of looking at them. His eyes narrowed as he studied them carefully. A man and a woman – the woman pregnant. She was probably just four or five months but her swollen belly was like a blaring siren to both of them. The man looked at them as they passed and his arm wrapped around the pregnant woman, holding her tightly to him as they all walked past one another.

"You're right," Jonathan muttered quietly so only she could hear. She nodded. "When did you notice it?"

"Just today when Will was showing us around. And then he made that comment about being thirteen and leaving school. The boys learn to fight and the girls…" she felt her stomach twist. "Girls are usually around thirteen when they get their first period."

Jonathan’s head snapped over and he looked at her. She didn't elaborate. She simply nodded again. He exhaled a heavy breath and she could feel his hand tightening around hers.

"It can't be that," he said quietly, more to himself. "It has to be something else. Will would never allow that.”

"Maybe," she nodded slowly. “But Will’s just a kid himself. A lot of these men here are stronger, bigger. Maybe he knows and just can’t do anything about it.” He glanced at her. “Then it’s not his fault,” he said, almost coldly. As if Nancy were going to argue.

“I know that, Jonathan. I’m not saying it is.” _And I’m not saying it isn’t_. Honestly, how did they know that Will hadn’t changed for the worse? That the way he was acting towards them was all a cover up?

Another person passed them – a man – and he and Jonathan locked eyes for a moment before the man quickly looked away. They walked to the restaurant and he held the door open for her, letting her enter first. There was a table in the far corner near the bathrooms in the back that was unoccupied and she immediately went towards it. She took the seat that put her back to the door, letting Jonathan sit down across from her in the chair that faced the rest of the restaurant. He never put his back to any door. She leaned forward into the table, resting her arms on it and placing her hands flat on the worn wood surface. She looked at Jonathan as his eyes darted past her, watching the others in the restaurant. There weren't that many – just six other patrons, the cook in the kitchen, and another waitress – a woman who seemed no older than her, also pregnant.

"Why weren't you in bed with me this morning?" She asked him suddenly, taking even herself aback, and he stared at her, surprise flashing in his dark eyes. She blushed. "I just… I think a part of me knew you wouldn't be but a part of me was hoping for it."

He was quiet for a moment and then he sighed, also leaning into the table. "Last night, when we had sex, you didn't know who I was. I wanted you… I want you-"

"I want you, too," she said quickly, quietly, and she reached over, sliding one of her hands over his. "I… I wondered if it was because it's been just you and me for the past three years and you're really the only person I know but… that's not it at all. You take care of me when you don't have to. I think… I think you might care about me, too."

Jonathan stared at her. "Of course I care about you. Do you really not know that?"

She shrugged a shoulder and now, she found herself almost unable to look at him.

"Nancy," Jonathan said and she looked at him. She gave him an embarrassed smile and he gave a small one in return. He smirked then, shaking his head. "This is like that awkward date you go on when you're fifteen," he commented.

She smiled. "I wouldn't know. I've never been on a date." She looked down at her hand still resting over his and he slowly turned their hand over so their palms rested together. Rachel appeared at the table with two glasses of ice cold water, the ice cubes clinking against the sides as she set them down in between them. She noticed how Rachel looked at their hands touching and then she looked at Jonathan for a long minute.

"What can I get you?" Rachel then asked, making it a point to look at both of them, her hands resting on her hips in a relaxed posed. "Steak again or something else?"

She opened her mouth to ask if there was a menu because she had no idea what food was available but Jonathan spoke before she could.

"Are you and my brother together?" Jonathan asked.

Rachel seemed startled but then she smiled, overly-sweet, almost letting out a laugh. "Are you interested in me, too?" Nancy felt her shoulders stiffen but his face remained completely blank. "No, your brother and I aren't together. He just protects me.”

"Protects you from the other men around here, right?” Nancy asked. “So you won’t end up pregnant like the other women here.”

Rachel's cheeks blushed. She looked towards the other people in the restaurant before back at them. She leaned in a little closer. "Look," she lowered her voice. "I don't know what you two are up to but whatever it is, just stop. Stop looking and just… just leave."

"Get us into the armory," Jonathan said, his voice also soft. "And get us some food."

"We just need some supplies and our dog and then we'll leave," Nancy added quietly. "We don't want to stay here. We're going to Savannah."

"Savannah," Rachel smirked. "Why does everyone think Savannah is the answer?"

"Because there is actual order," Nancy explained. "All of these settlements, it's just a bunch of men with guns but in Savannah, there are actual police and judges and lawyers and jails and… and it's as normal as anything could be right now."

Rachel smirked again and shook her head but remained quiet for a moment. "And you actually want to go to some new world order?" She asked Jonathan. “You think your brother wants to be here? He _can’t_ leave. Nobody who comes to this place is allowed to leave. Him being the leader don’t mean shit around here anymore, not with Marcus gone. And those perimeter fences are guarded twenty-four hours a day." And then without another word, she turned and walked away from their table.

It was as if she took all of the air with her.

Nancy felt her lungs burn and her heart seemed to twist so tightly, like a rag being wrung over a bucket of water. Jonathan stood up suddenly and without a word, he grabbed her hand, tugging her to her feet. She went numb and she followed him blindly, not even realizing where he was taking her. It was only when they were in the bathroom, the fluorescent strip lights buzzing on the ceiling and one bulb flickering unevenly, and Jonathan placed them both in the last stall furthest from the door. The flimsy lock slid into place and it snapped her to attention. She looked up at him.

“This is what Will slipped me right before we left to come here.” Jonathan dug the piece of paper out of his pocket, unfolded it and handed it to Nancy.

“ ** _You’re right. This place isn’t safe. I should have never asked you to stay. Get out of here. Don’t even say goodbye. Just go. As soon as I can, I’ll meet you guys at Savannah. I love you, big brother.”_** Nancy read the note out loud and both her and Jonathan’s eyes widened in shock. She felt herself begin to hyperventilate, more scared now than she was back in Portland.

"We are getting out of here, Nancy," he said, his hands cupping her cheeks. "I promise."

She nodded but there was still a wad of cotton in her throat that she couldn't swallow down. She began to feel dizzy and she leaned heavily against the wall of the stall behind her. She lifted her hands to run them through her hair and she saw that they were shaking. Jonathan saw it, too, and he grasped both of her hands tightly in his, squeezing them.

"Nancy, look at me. Look at me," he commanded and she did, trying to focus her eyes on him. "I've never let anything happen to you. Right?"

"Right," she whispered.

"What do you have at Will’s house?"

"Everything," she answered but he shook his head.

"It can all be replaced though?" He asked and she swallowed, nodding. "We need to get out of here and the sooner, the better."

"The journal you gave me, postcards… the fedora," her voice was sounding choked and she forced herself to take deep breaths.

"Nancy," he put his hands on her cheeks in an attempt to get her to focus. "Listen to me. Is there anything that you absolutely need that we can't possibly leave here without?" He asked. “Will said we need to just go.”

She blinked up at him. "I just need you," she whispered.

His hands were still on her cheeks and he tugged her towards him, making her gasp with surprise but the instant his lips touched hers, kissing her hard and hungry, she sank into him. Her arms wound around his neck and she moaned when his hands found the back of her thighs and he lifted her up easily, her legs winding around his waist and him pressing her back against the stall wall.

"Jonathan," she murmured, her hands cupping his cheeks, brushing his hair back from his face. She closed her eyes as his lips left hers and he began pressing kisses to the side of her throat. A droplet of sweat rolled down her spin and she shifted uncomfortably He was making her so hot and she heard herself whimper for him.

He pulled his lips away and tugged her tee-shirt off over her head. She then whimpered again as he tugged the cups of her bra down, exposing her breasts and he began peppering the soft, small mounds of flesh with light kisses. Her fingers tunneled through his hair and she closed her eyes, feeling her body completely relax, giving herself completely to him as she had the night before. The fluorescent strip buzzed above, water dripped in the sink, the air smelled of grease, and the entire world had ended but here, in this stall, she had him and he had her and as long as she had that, she'd be okay. In this cramped bathroom stall, this was all the world she needed right now.

"I love you," she breathed, pulling his hair back from his face.

Jonathan lifted his head and their eyes met. He stole all of the breath from her lungs. They were both panting, both of their bodies burning.

"Nancy," he said and she leaned her face in, kissing him softly on the lips. His hand touched her cheek. He took a deep breath. "I vow to always protect you. I vow to always be with you and never leave your side. I vow to always put myself between you and harm's way."

She couldn't breathe. Her heart had lodged somewhere in her chest where it had stopped breathing. Was he doing what she thought he was doing? Her entire body was frozen and it felt as if an hour passed between them.

She exhaled shakily. "I vow to always protect you, be with you and never leave your side. I vow to always look after you. I vow to always love you," she whispered, staring him right in the eye.

He stared at her. "I vow to always love you," he whispered.

She started laughing. She couldn't help it. She suddenly felt such an elation of happiness. She had never felt anything like it before. She wanted to laugh and cry and she watched as Jonathan stared at her, his dark eyes locked with hers.

A small smile graced across his lips. "Anything else?"

"I vow to always take care of you," she said.

"I vow to always take care of you," he repeated.

She laughed again and this time, tears began to brim in her eyes. Jonathan grinned – one of his actual, true smiles.

With her legs still tightly wound around his waist, he pinned her securely to the bathroom stall wall. He lifted both hands and cupped her cheeks. She lifted her own hands, resting them on the back of his head. He kissed her and it was gentle, surprising her. She had been expecting one of his hungry, hard kisses. This was gentle and aching and her eyes fluttered shut, feeling him kiss her as if he was drinking her in. She felt as if she was melting and his hands left her cheeks, his arms winding strongly around her back. Her arms circled his neck and they kissed one another until their heads spun and they could hardly breathe. Slowly, he set her down on unsteady legs and then with shaking fingers, they quickly undressed one another. She became completely naked except for the bra, still pushed down beneath her breasts. His pants and boxers were shoved down to his knees and he lifted her up again, pinning her to the wall. She was still a bit tender from the night before and he seemed to know that, taking his time, slowly pushing inside of her. He stopped when she winced.

"No," she shook her head. "I'm okay," she was already panting. "Please don't stop."

"You have to tell me if it hurts," he said.

"And I will. When it hurts," she breathed before leaning in, kissing him again, fusing her lips to his.

That seemed to convince him and he pushed forward again, pressing deep inside of her. He was so hard and hot – like steel – and her body parted open for him. His hands grasped her thighs and then her hips and then after a moment, he began to move, their bodies rocking together, the metal of the stall cold against her back. She breathed and he panted heavily in her ear as he kissed the side of her neck again. He held her steadily as she moaned, her fingers gripping his hair. She wondered if she would ever get used to these sensations of him – of Jonathan – being inside of her. It hurt but it was that good kind of hurt that she knew existed but had only experienced for the first time the night before with him. It made her ache and crave more.

She cried out – sharp and piercing – and Jonathan kissed her, smothering the sound and in the back of her head, she remembered that they were still in the restaurant and anyone would be able to hear them. His own body shook, trembling, minutes later and she felt him empty inside of her. They were sweating and trembling, gasping for breath. She cupped his cheeks and she kissed him again, feeling her lips shake against his.

"Nancy," he whispered and she opened her eyes to look at him. "We're not taking it back," he told her. “ _I’m_ not taking it back. Not again.”

She shook her head. "What we just did, I don't want to ever take it back."

He opened his mouth to say something else but they both stilled when they heard the bathroom door push open with a creak.

"Jonathan."

It was Leo.

She and Jonathan looked at one another.

"Ron’s out here. He wants to see you," Leo said and then the door closed again.

Jonathan carefully set her down her feet again but they felt like rubber beneath her. She leaned against the wall for support and still naked herself, she watched as Jonathan got dressed again.

"What are we going to do?" She asked him, whispering.

"You are going to stay here. Keep the stall door locked. Don't open it for anyone except me," he said and she nodded frantically.

"Jonathan," she reached out and touched his arm.

He finished dressing and turned to look at her. "Stay here. No matter what. Until I come back," he said. "Promise me, Nancy."

"I promise," she whispered. A knot formed heavily in the pit of her stomach. She had such an awful feeling about this.

He put a hand on her cheek. "I'll be right back. You might want to get dressed."

"Right," she blushed. "Wait," she stood on her toes and kissed him. "Okay."

He smirked a little and then unlocked the stall door. "Lock this behind me," he said before he slipped out and immediately, she closed the door and locked it again.

She dressed herself and chewing on her thumbnail, she sat down on the toilet. She could do nothing but wait. It was quiet – too quiet – and the knot in her stomach grew larger in size, making her insides twist with pain. She felt like she was going to be sick. She didn't have any weapons with her. Just the knife she wore strapped to her thigh at all times. And Jonathan had taken his gun but that was the only gun between the two of them. They had to get to the armory and replenish supplies and then they could get out of here. But first, they had to get through all these other people. What about Leo? Was he just as dangerous? He certainly didn't seem to be. Maybe he really was protecting Will. If so, that would definitely make Jonathan feel a little bit better about leaving his brother. Nancy knew that he didn’t want to leave Will here in such a dangerous place, but Will had told them to go as soon as possible and as Will was the leader here, he knew what he was talking about. They had to listen to him.

 **BANG**!

She jumped at the sudden noise.

"Jonathan!" She screamed.

Out in the restaurant, someone had just fired their gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who’s ready for Nancy to become the total badass we know and love from the show? 
> 
> Also, just a quick explanation on two things.
> 
> 1) No, Jonathan and Nancy didn’t basically just get married. It seemed like it—I think—but I just thought it was a sweet way for Jonathan to finally declare his love for her. 
> 
> 2) If anyone is confused about Will...No, he is not bad. I know many people thought he was up to something but honestly, yes, Will has been through enough shit to turn anyone insane, but I’ve seen too many shows and have read too many stories where friends or family members will reunite and one person ends up being evil. 
> 
> As I mentioned in the story, no one is allowed to leave Errol, even newcomers. Will may be the leader now, but he’s still just a kid and he doesn’t have control over a lot of things. When I was writing this chapter, my thought process was that Will was trying to convince his brother to say because one, he didn’t want to be alone here, and two, he was afraid of what would happen if Nancy and Jonathan tried to escape. 
> 
> Why didn’t he just tell Jonathan the truth from the beginning? Because Errol has eyes and ears everywhere and with Leo always around, Will didn’t want to risk it. But he finally realized that he was putting his brother and Nancy in more danger just by having them here, so that’s why he wrote Jonathan the letter telling them to get the hell out. 
> 
> As Rachel said, Will may be the leader, but it doesn’t mean shit to the people in town. Not by much, anyway.
> 
> Don’t worry guys, EVERYTHING about Errol and Will ending up there will be it’s own chapter. I’m going to be adding ONE more chapter to this story after the epilogue that will be dedicated to Will. I made the decision yesterday after getting a message from someone who was confused about the whole thing.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So someone actually sent me an angry PM about how I made Jonathan more affectionate with Will than with Nancy and it’s “weird.” Um...Jonathan and Will thought the other was dead, of course they’d be affectionate with one another. Plus, there’s nothing I love more than the brotherly bond between these two in the show. That’s all I have to say.

She could feel her heart beating and the blood was roaring in her ears, drowning out all other sound, but she still couldn't be entirely sure whether or not she was actually breathing. Her lungs burned and she gasped for air as she stumbled to her feet, placing her hands on the stall door in front of her as the bathroom began to spin. Jonathan. She had to get to Jonathan.

But she couldn't just go running out there. She didn't know _who_ was out there. Ron might still be out there and there might be absolutely nothing holding him back from shooting her, too. But she couldn't be entirely sure that Jonathan had been the one to be shot. What if _he_ had shot someone?

She tried to take deep breaths and she forced herself to focus. She wasn't going to go out the door of the bathroom. She didn't know what she was walking into. But she also wasn't going to just wait here like she had promised Jonathan she would. What if he needed her? She wasn't literally going to just sit on the toilet and wait. What if he was dying?

 _Okay, no_. She shook her head fiercely. _Don't even go there, Nancy, she scolded herself._

Taking another deep breath, she looked up towards the ceiling. She didn't have a gun and the only source of defense she had was the hunting knife strapped to her thigh that would be completely useless if everyone out there had a gun – and more than likely, they did. She studied the ceiling above her. Grid lay-in – the sort where the plaster tiles could be lifted. She knew that much.

As slowly and silently as possible, she slid aside the paltry bolt lock of the door and slipped from the stall. The fluorescent fixture still buzzed and the sink still dripped. Besides that, and the pounding of her heart, everything seemed to have gone completely silent. She looked towards the bathroom door but she didn't hear approaching footsteps. She didn't hear anything. And somehow, that made her more nervous than anything. The silence was completely deafening and she needed to hear something so she could be alert as to who was out there in the restaurant and what was going on.

She hoisted herself up onto one of the sinks and then balancing herself, she stood up, reaching her arms up. She carefully pressed up on one of the plaster ceiling tiles and it easily lifted up. She sighed with relief as she moved it aside. It was pitch black up there and she wished she had her pack with her that was back at Will’s. She had at least three flashlights in the pockets and also a spotlight that could be strapped to her head. Oh, well, she had to make do with what she had – which was nothing.

Placing her hands up on either side of the metal grids that the tiles laid in, she gathered all of her strength. She had absolutely no upper body strength, she realized, but she wasn't going to just give up. She gritted her teeth and pulled herself up. It took her long minutes and time was of the essence but she couldn't force herself to move faster. When she finally pulled herself up into the ceiling, she was sweating and panting.

It was dark and dust tickled her nose as she carefully moved the tile back into place. She sat there for a moment, gathering her bearings, trying to imagine the layout of the restaurant beneath her. The bathrooms were in the back and the dining area was… this way. Slowly and carefully, she crawled on her hands and knees, making sure she balanced herself on the grids instead of on the tiles. They would bend and possibly collapse underneath her weight and she had just crawled up into the ceiling. She didn't want to fall through it.

She gasped when something tickled her hand and she quickly shook it out. It was probably just a spider but it made her crawl faster. Not sure where she was, she stopped and biting down on her bottom lip, making sure she didn't make a sound, she carefully picked at one of the tiles and moved it just enough where her eyes could see. The restaurant was beneath her and it was completely empty – at least it appeared to be. Someone had shut all of the lights off, too, but the afternoon sun was still shining and bright and it shone through the front windows, providing more than enough blinding light. She nearly gasped. There, on the floor, between a table and the eating counter, was Jonathan, lying on his back, sprawled out, his shoulder seeping with blood.

His eyes were closed.

Suddenly, she didn't care if it was a trap. She didn't care if there was a dozen armed men down below, hiding and waiting for her. Jonathan was hurt and she had to get to him. Crawling as quickly as she could, she stopped where she thought the counter was and when she tossed the tile aside, she saw that it was right beneath her. She didn't hesitate. She brought her legs around and jumped down, landing on top of the eating counter, accidentally knocking aside a plastic bottle of ketchup. She hopped down, looking around. The restaurant was still silent and no one had moved to reveal themselves.

"Jonathan," she whispered nonetheless, jumping down from the counter and falling to her knees next to him. He was too pale. This time, her heart did stop beating in her chest. "Jon," she brushed hair back from his face and then cupped his cheeks. He was clammy.

But his chest was still rising and falling. He was still breathing and she was going to focus on nothing but that.

She looked to his shoulder. His shirts were soaked with blood and she saw the bullet wound. Anger and fear rose up simultaneously and her head was spinning. She knew what she had to do but she didn't know if she could. She looked to Jonathan. No, she had to do it. There was no choice. She had to do it and she couldn't fail.

"Stay right here," she stupidly said as if he was about to leap to his feet and go for a run.

She kissed him swiftly on the lips and then stood up, looking around frantically before rushing into the kitchen. She grabbed anything she saw that she thought might be of use, gathering everything in her arms before moving back into another room – a smaller one no bigger than a walk-in closet. She assumed it was Rachel's office. She began to rip open the drawers of the desk. In the bottom one, she hit the jackpot. A first-aid kit and a bottle of whiskey. Nancy almost laughed with glee. Finally, something was in her favor.

She hurried back out to the restaurant, coming to a screeching halt when she saw that she and Jonathan were no longer alone. Leo stood at the door, having just entered, his shotgun in hand. He froze when he saw her and she stared at him for a moment, wondering what he was going to do. Was he going to shoot her? It looked like Ron had shot Jonathan with a handgun. But if Leo was to fire at her with a shotgun, well… there would be no getting up after that and surviving. She swallowed and licked her lips nervously.

Her eyes fell to Jonathan on the floor. Suddenly, nothing else mattered. Leo could do whatever he was ordered – or wanted – to do to her. First, she was going to save Jonathan.

Ignoring him, she returned to Jonathan, kneeling down next to him and carefully setting out everything she had gathered. With a pair of scissors, she began to cut away his shirts. She had no idea what she was doing but she had a general idea. Get the bullet out and sew him back up. It sounded so simple. She nearly snorted. She was about to perform surgery on the less than sanitary floor of a restaurant in a town of gun-wielding maniacs. Sure. Simple.

Her hand stilled when Jonathan groaned and then his eyes fluttered open. It took him a moment but then he saw her. "I told you to stay in the stall," he grunted softly.

She rolled her eyes and then kissed him quickly on the lips. "I'll kill you if you leave me alone," she replied. "And I wish you had stayed passed out. I'm about to go digging in your shoulder and that's not going to be exactly pleasant." She grabbed the bottle of whiskey and handed it to him. "Here. Drink up."

"I knew there was a reason I fell in love with you," he smirked weakly.

"Now, now," she smiled though, almost laughing, almost crying from it all. "This is not the time to be charming. Just drink and let me do this."

"Can I help?" Leo asked suddenly, stepping towards them.

She turned her head and narrowed her eyes at him. "You can wait to kill us after I do this. Unless you truly have no mind of your own and are nothing more than a minion."

“It wouldn’t make any sense to fix him up if I’m supposedly just going to kill you after,” Leo rolled his eyes.

"Shotgun, Nancy," Jonathan grunted but she ignored him. She didn't care if did have a shotgun. She had more important things on her mind right now.

Just then, Will bursted through the door, pure fear on his face. He was sweating, as if he had run all the way. He probably had.

“Jonathan!” He cried, pushing past Leo and running to his brother before dropping to his knees. “Fuck! Keith told me Ron was on his way here to talk to Jonathan. I thought...I thought I could make it in time.” There were tears in his eyes but he brushed them away, a sudden determined look on his face. “It doesn’t look too bad though.”

“Will…” Jonathan croaked. Will took his brother’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“It’s not,” Nancy reassured him. “I think he was just shot with a handgun. We just need to get the bullet out.”

Leo slowly set the shotgun down on the counter and then lowered himself onto his knees on the floor on the floor next to Will. "Can I help?" He asked again.

“No,” Will growled. “You shouldn’t have told Ron where that they were here!” 

"Jonathan, drink," Nancy ordered gently and then once he had weakly lifted his head from the floor and took a few long swigs from the bottle, she looked to Will. "I couldn't find a lighter…" Will immediately produced one from his pocket and flicked it open. She grabbed her crude kitchen– now medical – utensils. Several pairs of tongs and a pair of serving spoons. "Hold these over the flame. I need them to be sterilized."

Will took a deep breath and nodded. She ripped Jonathan’s shirts away until his entire upper body was bare. She then grabbed the empty bowl she had taken and hurrying to her feet, she scurried to the nearest sink, filling it up. She returned and kneeled at Jonathan’s shoulder. With the dish towels she had found in the kitchen, she soaked each one in the water and then remembering the first-aid kit, she opened it, finding a bottle of antiseptic.

"This is going to sting," she warned him and then dumped almost the entire contents of the bottle over his wound as she cleaned it. He gritted his teeth together and his body tensed but she didn't stop. She sniffled as she cleaned the wound as best as she could but no matter how often she wiped around the wound, there was always more blood. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she kept repeating and then kissed him on the lips, the nose, the forehead – anywhere on his face as she wiped and cleaned and tried to purify everything as best as she could. This wasn't some sterile operating room though. She had to make do with everything at her meager disposal.

"Done," Will said and she wiped her hand underneath her runny nose.

"Shit," she swore, realizing what she had done. "We have to wash our hands and find gloves. The last thing I need is getting the bullet out and then having him get an infection," she said. She looked to Jonathan. "Drink that entire bottle. I need you drunk."

"You and your sweet talk," he smirked weakly and she laughed. He was clearly delirious if he was making jokes like this.

She stood up and both Will and Leo followed her. They scrubbed their hands clean with the soap found at the sink and without drying them, they found pairs of rubber dishwashing gloves. She snapped her pair on and then without waiting for Will, she hurried back to Jonathan. She tried taking deep breaths. She could do this. She had to do this.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she told him. "What do I do?"

Will took the now empty bottle of whiskey from his brother and looked at Nancy. “Feel for the bullet. Before you start digging with the tweezers or whatever, feel with your fingers."

She swallowed and nodded frantically. Her stomach rolled as she prodded as gently as she could at his shoulder. Two of her fingers slipped into the wound and he gritted down on his teeth again, tensing, and she felt the blood and muscle squishing. She felt like she was going to throw up but she couldn't. Not yet anyway.

"Okay," she nodded. "Okay, I found it. I can do this," she said out loud. "Will, um… the spoons. Take the spoons and keep the wound open for me. I need it spread so I can get the bullet out."

Will moved to sit at Jonathan’s head and with the spoons, he adjusted them and gently, spread the wound open. Jonathan screamed out and her eyes stung with tears. She was rambling a stream of apologies as she picked up the tweezers she had found. They would be too small but the kitchen tongs would be too big. She had to make due with both.

"It’s okay. It'll be okay," she told Jonathan frantically, trying to convince both of them but feeling as if she was failing.

Leo looked around and saw one of the towels. He grabbed it. "Here, Jonathan, bite this." Jonathan’s mouth was already open in anguish and Leo shoved the towel in, muffling him.

She took a deep breath and watched as Jonathan bit down on it. "Thank you," she murmured softly to Leo, glancing at him, before back to the wound. "Okay," she took a deep breath.

The smell of blood was overpowering and her stomach began to roll away. She tried not to think of the thousand things that could go wrong. Right now, she just needed that bullet. Thankfully, it wasn't embedded in too deeply. They made this look so easy on television. Then again, they were all actors and the actor on the table didn't actually die if the doctor actor failed in getting the bullet out of his body.

It felt like hours. Sweat beaded on her forehead as she carefully dug the tweezers through his shoulder. Jonathan was still awake, grunting through the towel, and she honestly wished that he would pass out. She hit the metal bullet and as if he knew, Will spread the spoons a little wider apart. She held the small tweezers in one hand as she grabbed the tongs with the other and making them work together, she cradled the bullet between both of them and slowly, so slowly, not wanting to lose her grip on it and have to start all over again, she extracted the bullet, pulling it completely from his shoulder.

"Holy shit," Leo breathed.

She dropped the bullet onto the floor along with the tweezers and the tongs. She wasn't done yet. She shook her cramping fingers out and then gathered the needle and the thread from the first-aid kit. This, she had done before. Anytime she or Jonathan had been injured over the past three years, they stitched the wounds. She could definitely do this. She grabbed a towel and the remaining antiseptic and she began to clean the wound again. Jonathan’s entire body went completely rigid and then it was lax and he slipped into sleep.

"Now he passes out," she sighed. "I'm almost done."

"You're doing great," Will told her.

“Yeah,” Leo agreed. “Usually if someone is shot here, they’re dead.” He saw the look on her face and quickly backtracked. “I mean—look, if Ron wanted to kill him, he would have. He’s an amazing shot.”

"I don't doubt that," she whispered, a lump in her throat.

She leaned over the wound and began to suture it shut as quickly – yet carefully – as she could. She prayed that it would be tight and strong enough to stop the bleeding. If not… she tried not to think about it but she knew what else she could do. She looked to the spoons still in Will’s hand. She could always hold them over the flame and then cauterize the wound. Oh god, if she thought the stench of blood was going to make her sick, she could only imagine what burning flesh would do to her. She prayed the stitches would be enough.

"Why didn't he kill Jonathan?" She heard herself asking as she worked.

“It can't be because he and I are brothers.” Will shook his head. “Ron doesn’t give enough of a shit.”

“I don’t know why,” Leo said with a small shrug. “I’ve spent every day with the guy for the past two years and I hardly know him.”

She finished the stitches and she wiped his chest clean. At the moment, they seemed to be holding. Please, keeping holding, she sent out a silent prayer. Finding tape, gauze and bandages in the first-aid kit, she began to dress the wound.

"And what about you?" She asked Leo. “Why are you helping us? What, you’re different than the rest of them? Is that it?”

Leo didn’t answer and she put her attention back to Jonathan. She finished with the bandages and she finally felt as if she was able to breathe again. Jonathan remained asleep and he was still breathing. The bullet was on the floor and not in his shoulder. All in all, she might be brave enough to declare the surgery a success. She had to wait though. She prayed he hadn't lost too much blood or that there wouldn't be an infection. It had also been his right shoulder – his shooting arm. She prayed that she hadn't damaged his nerves while digging for the bullet, permanently damaging him.

She bent down and brushed her lips across his. "Rest," she whispered. "I love you." She lifted her head again and Leo was watching her.

Will noticed him, too, and growled, “She asked you a question. Why are you helping us? I’ve been around you every day, Leo, and you may not have been an asshole like the rest of them, but you went along with everything those pricks did. So what changed?”

Leo moved off of his knees and sat down. He took the gloves off and rubbed a hand over his dark hair. "Because the way Errol's run—no offense, Will, I know you’re doing the best you can here, but...maybe I'm realizing that it's not the best way.” Will made a _I can’t argue with you there face_. “Maybe I'm realizing that just because the world ended, we don't have to revert back to cavemen. I can't stop thinking about my mom lately. I've been trying to remember her face and how... how she would be so disappointed in me." He looked at her. "I'm going to help get you three out of Errol."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could Leo still be evil? We’ll find out soon enough ;)


	16. Chapter 16

“This way," Leo said softly, leading them down the near pitch-black hole. They were underground and she smelled earth and rain. They had gone into the cellar of Rachel's restaurant and had gone through a small hole in the wooden floor. It was much cooler down here and she wished she had her pack so she could put on more layers. Her tee-shirt and flannel shirt didn't seem to be enough. "We've been working on these tunnels for the past three years. When I got here two years ago, my first job was down here, digging," he explained.

She looked at the tightly packed dirt that surrounded them. The tunnels were massive. "Where do they go?" She asked quietly, following his lead and keep her voice low. She walked next to Jonathan, his arm slung heavily around Will’s shoulder. His other arm was in a makeshift sling they had constructed for him. She felt uncomfortable with him walking so soon after having a bullet dug out of him but he had insisted they move as soon as possible. He had tried to tell her that it had just been his shoulder and he would be fine. 

Leo shrugged. "Nowhere really. Just out of town. This one isn't finished so it shouldn't be guarded at the moment. People can't escape through tunnels that just end."

"So what do we do when we reach the end?" Jonathan grunted.

"There should be a hole that leads out,” Will answered, sounding uncertain.

"Should be?" She asked. "That doesn't sound very certain."

"This is the only way out that I can think of,” Leo sighed before Will could reply. “It's not like you can just stroll out through the front gate. I’m going to take you to the end of the tunnel and then I have to go and report to Ron. I'll get your packs and I'll bring them back down here. I can't even leave past the fence without being asked too many questions so this is all I can think of right now."

She stared at him for a moment. "Thank you, Leo. For all of your help."

“Yeah,” Will muttered. “Thanks. I was wrong about you. I’m sorry.”

Leo was quiet, his eyes on Nancy, and then he nodded. He looked to Jonathan. "Ron’s mentally unstable and he already shot you once without killing you. If he catches you-"

"I can shoot with my left, too," Jonathan answered. “And Will has his gun.”

”You have any idea what the hell Ron’s planning?” Will asked.

Leo opened his mouth but then closed it again. He shook his head. "Let's walk further. Once we reach the end, we'll rest and I'll tell you." With that, he turned and began walking forward again, the three following behind.

Nancy looked up at Jonathan. "Are you okay?" She asked softly.

He smirked, looking down to her. "How many times are you going to ask me that?"

"Just let me ask. Are you okay?" She repeated.

"You did an amazing job," he said, almost smiling, and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. They flew open again when she felt his lips on her head, kissing her hair. She smiled faintly, almost blushing. She had had sex with this man – twice – and in this new world, that made them fake married and yet, she blushed when he showed a tender gesture of kissing her head. She could be such a girl sometimes.

"That first night, when my dad killed Mike and came after me, I thought that I had never been more scared but earlier… when I saw you lying there, I think I would have died if anything had happened to you," she said quietly, not trying to be dramatic but trying to be truthful. She had honestly felt, in that moment of seeing him bleeding and unconscious on the floor, that if anything had happened to Jonathan, she doubted she could have gone on without him.

Jonathan squeezed his arm around her shoulders. "You and me aren't going anywhere."

They reached the end of the tunnel so suddenly, if Leo hadn't been shining a flashlight, they would have run smack into the wall of dirt in front of them. Leo shone the light up towards the roof of the tunnel and then looked to Will.

"You're taller than me," he said. "Can you reach up and feel if there's any loose dirt?"

Will gently let go of his brother after making sure he could stand on his own and extended his left arm upwards, easily pressing the palm of his hand flat against the packed dirt above them. Nancy watched him. "Anything?" She asked though with a sinking stomach, she knew the answer already.

He slowly brought his arm back down. "Shit," he swore. "There should be an escape hole. We always dig one so we can get out in case something happens down here." He let loose another string of curses,

Leo shined the light above them, walking slowly a few steps away, staring up, and then coming back. "I don't get it. Every tunnel has one."

"So we're trapped down here," she said and she waited for the panic to set in but it didn't come. It was as if her body was slowly seeping into numbness and she couldn't feel anything. "Are we going to turn around?" She asked no one in particular. She suddenly felt so exhausted. The whole day had been draining. Had it just been this morning that she had woken up, having lost her virginity to Jonathan the night before? A lifetime had already passed since then.

Slowly, she lowered herself to the ground, leaning against one of the dirt walls behind her. She brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. They needed a plan. Right now, they were in a tunnel, trapped like rats with no way to defend themselves if anyone else came down the tunnel, looking for them. And people _would_ be looking for them. Rachel and Leo and Will had  implied it. They weren't going to be able to leave Errol without a fight. But they didn't have anything to fight with. Two handguns wouldn’t be enough against all these people. They hadn't gotten to the armory, they didn't have any food or supplies… they had absolutely nothing.

If they did get out of this tunnel, if they miraculously got back to the desert and away from Errol, how long could they survive out there? Where was the next town? And what if the next town didn't have anything? They needed water. They needed to get out of here. They needed so many things and right now, they were stuck in a tunnel with no way of getting anything.

She tried to take a deep breath and keep calm. Panicking wasn't going to help. Will was still muttering curses, shuffling back and forth, staring up at the dirt above them, looking for an escape hole that didn't seem to exist, and Jonathan slowly, heavily, lowered himself down onto the ground next to her. Immediately, she rested her head on his left shoulder.

"Are you okay?" She whispered.

"I'm pissed off," he admitted and she lifted her head, looking at him, surprised.

She nodded slowly. She wasn't quite used to Jonathan being so open. It took her a moment to register and adjust. "If someone shot me-"

"Not about that," he shook his head. He looked to Leo and then turned his head to her, their faces close and she could feel the warmth of his breath as he whispered. "Can we trust him?" He asked.

"I…" she glanced to Leo before back to Jonathan. "I think so. He wanted to help get the bullet out of your shoulder. He could have easily just killed us."

"We shouldn't have followed him down here," Jonathan shook his head again. "This could have been a trap and the three of us just followed him right into it with just two fucking pistols that barely have any ammo—“

"It's okay," she tried to convince both of them and she lifted a hand to his cheek. "We've been in worst spots than this." He raised an eyebrow and she smiled a little. "I'm pretty sure we have been anyway. It feels like we have. Three years is a long time to get into tons of tough situations."

He smirked but then as he stared at her, he grew solemn again. "I'm going to kill him," he said and his words were so calm and cold, she felt a shiver tremble down her spine. She had no idea what to say to that. What could she say?

"I'll be back," Leo suddenly announced.

"Where are you going?" Will asked him as Leo dug around in one of the pockets of his cargo pants. He pulled out a small flashlight and tossed it. Will easily caught it with one hand.

"I'm going to retrace our steps. There has to be a hole somewhere that we missed because we weren't looking," he said. "Stay here. I'll be back."

They watched as he turned and walked the way they had just come, the orb from the flashlight surrounding him growing smaller and smaller as he walked further away until he followed a curve of the tunnel and it disappeared completely. Will switched on the small flashlight that they had been left with but Nancy asked him to turn it off. Darkness swallowed them and Jonathan and Will didn't ask why. Right now, she felt safe in the dark.

Everything around them was quiet – so quiet, it hurt her ears. She was used to the quiet. For the past three years, there had been nothing but quiet and she tried to remember if she had ever craved something else – something more. Right now, she craved the quiet of the desert because even then, there had been the sounds of nature – the sounds of life around her. This sort of quiet though, trapped down in a tunnel, it was like in a tomb.

She shivered. Jonathan lifted his left arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, pulling her into his side, holding her close. She closed her eyes, resting her cheek on his chest over his heart. She could hear it beat steadily beneath her. It was still beating. He was still alive. He was the strongest person she had ever met and she knew that he would always be. He was in her heart and her mind and had been in her body. He was a part of her. He was her entire life and she couldn't think of what she would do if she didn't have him.

"We can't wait for Leo," Jonathan spoke suddenly, his voice soft but still startling her. She hadn't been expecting it. "Did girl scouts teach you anything about what you should do if you're trapped in a tunnel?"

"Well, normally, I would say we should really panic about air quality but we can both breathe and we don't seem to have a sharpness in our lungs or a shortness of breath," she said, lifting her head. She felt the scruff of his jaw scratch her forehead. "Do you two?”

“I feel fine,” Will answered.

"I'm good," Jonathan said. “What else?"

She paused for a moment, thinking. "We find another route of escape. Maybe, Will, you and Leo are looking in the wrong spots."

"Where would you look?" The boy asked and in the darkness, she felt him watching her.

She slowly extracted herself and stood up, looking around despite not being able to see anything. Nothing but silence and darkness. She reached out and ran her fingertips along one of the dirt walls. She sighed softly and shook her head. She had to think of something. This was what she did. Jonathan and Will were fighters, warriors, and she knew about wind direction and what roots they could eat and how to dig a bullet from a shoulder.

"Maybe we could-" she began to say.

Will was suddenly right next to her and slapped a hand over her mouth and pulled her to the wall, flattening her up against it, his body in front of hers, covering her. She froze when she heard the cock of his gun. His hand slowly removed itself from her mouth but he didn't move.

"Someone's coming," he whispered to her and Jonathan.

She immediately perked her ears up, flicking off the flashlight. At first, she didn't hear anything – the pounding of her heart drowning in her ears – but then, faintly, she heard the shuffling of feet. One set and then…another. There were two people coming up the tunnel, getting closer.

And there was absolutely nowhere they could go.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very sad chapter. Be warned.

Her heart was pounding in her chest so hard, it was beginning to hurt the sternum of her ribcage. The footsteps were drawing closer and closer and there wasn't anywhere they could go. They were trapped. Leo had led them down a tunnel with no exit and then had left them and they had let it happen. They weren't normally this careless. They were always on guard and were always aware of what was around them. But since getting to Errol, Jonathan had been distracted with his confession and his brother and Nancy… she looked up to him. Her mind had been on other things as well.

Will stood before her, pinning her body between his body and the dirt wall, covering her, protecting her, his body tense and tight and his fingers gripping his gun. Jonathan had stood up and was leaning against the wall in front of them, his own pistol out and at the ready. Their pistols with barely any ammo. She never thought this was how it would end for them. They had been through so much over the past three years. They had _survived_ for the past three years and now here they were. Was this how it would end? Stuck in some dark, damp dirt tunnel underground? Their biggest threat wasn't even a walker attack or drinking contaminated water. Right now, what threatened them, were people. Human beings. People who had survived just like them and now, they were all turning on one another in final acts of desperation before the world truly ended.

She heard a tinkling of metal and her mind couldn't identify what it was. She almost yelped when she felt a wetness against her hand. A tongue. A tongue had just licked her.

"Kermit!" She gasped softly before she could stop herself and she dropped down to her knees, throwing her eyes around the dog, hugging him tightly, the dog licking her cheek and she could feel his body rock from side to side as he wagged his tail excitedly.

“Nancy," Will whispered – a bit harshly – and his fingers grasped her elbow, trying to pull her up to her feet again.

She resisted though. What was Kermit doing down here? How had he gotten down here?

"Nancy!"

This time, it hadn't been Will saying her name. And this time, she got to her feet. Leo. The orb of small light from the lantern returned, illuminating Leo's face as he neared and behind him, there was Rachel. They stopped a few feet away and the five stared at one another. Jonathan kept his gun raised, aimed at both of them, ignoring his shoulder and disregarding the sling. Will moved to stand protectively in front of Nancy.

"What the fuck is going on?" Jonathan asked, his voice low and dangerous and if she didn't know him, her eyes would have widened much like Rachel's just had.

Rachel audibly swallowed and then took a step forward. "I was able to find Kermit and get your packs out of Will’s house," she explained and then slowly, carefully, she set their heavy packs down on the ground in front of her. "And here," she was holding another bag – this one a black duffle bag on her shoulder. "I stocked it with food and water. I couldn't get to the armory though...but I got your cigarettes and some other things for you, Will.”

"Here," Leo dropped to his knees and handing Rachel the lantern, he then began to empty the pockets of his cargo pants and the green vest he wore. Bullets. Ammunition. More and more, forming a pile on the ground.

"What is going on?" Jonathan asked again, demanding, the gun still raised to both of them.

Will lifted a hand, grabbing the back of his shirt as if to hold him back or control him.

"We're going to help you," Leo said.

"There's a small tunnel we have to crawl through but it will lead to-" Rachel tried to further explained.

"No fucking way," Jonathan shook his head. "Me, Will and Nancy aren't following you anywhere."

“Jonathan, come on—“ Will began to say, but Rachel cut him off.

"Ron will _not_ let you leave," Rachel said and Nancy noticed something as she said those words. She was talking directly to her. Not to Jonathan or Will. Instead of pounding, her heart stopped suddenly, freezing in her chest. Will noticed it, too, and his body stiffened even more. He reached back with his arm, putting her more behind him. "You can't stay here. Errol isn't safe for any of you," Rachel shook her head.

"What is Ron doing?" Will asked.

Leo stood up, one of his knees cracking. He took a deep breath. "There are more walkers than people in the world and Ron and a few other men here in Errol… it's up to the remaining people to increase the world's population."

Nancy's entire body stiffened. Of course. Why hadn't she thought of that? She felt incredibly stupid for having not thought of it sooner. The pregnant women… she should have pieced it all together. Ron was repopulating the Earth and he needed women to do that. And if he got to Nancy…

She felt sick to her stomach.

The silence laid heavy in the air of the tunnel, suffocating them, slowly swallowing the air and stealing it from their lungs. No one made a move. No one spoke.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Jonathan lowered the raised gun but his fingers didn't loosen from it, gripping it so tightly, his knuckles whitened and the muscles in his arm twitched and flexed. Behind him, she felt dizzy and she leaned into Will, pressing her forehead against his back. He was as hard as the packed dirt wall and she leaned against him, knowing that he would hold her up. Her head wouldn't stop spinning.

"What does he plan to do with me?" Jonathan asked, cutting through the air.

Leo stared at him. "In Ron’s mind, you've been with Nancy for three years and you haven't gotten her pregnant yet. It's someone else's turn to try."

Bile rose in her throat. Jonathan’s body somehow managed to stiffen. His hand holding the gun twitched at his side.

"He's been watching you," Leo continued. "You will never let another man touch Nancy, and Will will never let Ron touch the _both_ of you. In his eyes, you and Will are a big problem and you both need to be removed from the situation.”

Portland. She instantly thought of Portland and that man holding her down as the other man tried to work himself between her thighs. She would never forget the look on Jonathan’s face. The way he had shot that man without hesitating and the way he had then beat the other man, hitting him again and again, his dark eyes turning black. She was terrified but not of him. He was doing what he always did and he was protecting her. The man had almost raped her and yet, there was a part of her that was terrified for him because Jonathan was going to kill him and there wasn't a single part of him that would hesitate in doing so.

"He's going to kill you, both," Leo finished quietly.

“Not if I get to him first,” Will hissed, and she could feel the anger radiating off of him.

"Why didn't he kill me in the restaurant?" Jonathan questioned, his voice oddly calm.

"He…" Rachel was the one to speak but she paused, needing a moment to collect herself. She swallowed and then exhaled shakily. "He wanted to explain everything to you himself. He wanted you… He didn't want you to die without you knowing _exactly_ what he planned to do to your wife.”

"Is he taking Nancy for himself?" Again, the gun twitched in his hand.

Leo shook his head. "She's for me," he bravely spoke, staring into Jonathan’s eyes, not faltering. "But if I can't- I won't do it...she'll be passed to someone else."

Nancy hardly heard any of this.

He would never let another man touch her. She belonged to him just as he belonged to her. She would never let anything happen to him. She loved him. That night, three years ago, he had saved her and every day since then, he was the one reason why she was still alive. The odds should have been against her. She was young and weak and she never should have survived a plague and walkers and wandering the western part of the country without something happening to her.

She held him back. She knew she did – no matter what he said. Without her, he probably would have gotten to Savannah with Will by now.

And now they were trapped and it was because of her. _Ron will not let you leave._ Rachel's words echoed through her head on a skipping loop. They were trapped here because of her. If it had just been Jonathan and Will, if they hadn't been tied down with her and protecting her and keeping her safe, maybe they would be able to leave. Ron didn't want them. He didn't need them. He needed her.

Her mind was racing and suddenly, she knew exactly what she had to do.

"Jonathan," she whispered, moving past Will and almost instantly, he turned towards her. She looked up at him. The lantern provided little light and most of his face remained in the shadows but she looked into his eyes, able to see those perfectly.

She knew exactly what she had to do.

She lifted a hand to his cheek, her thumb brushing along his skin. Three years together and she knew that he could read her mind. Immediately, he knew what she was thinking and his hand grasped hers, pulling it away from his cheek. His jaw clenched.

"No," was all he said.

She shook her head. "This is the only way. We both can't get out-"

"You are out of your fucking mind," he snapped and his voice was cold and harsh and he was furious. Her throat began to tighten but she kept staring at him, not backing down.

"He wants me," she whispered. "If I tell him that I'll stay… I can get you two out of here."

"No," he ground out through practically clenched teeth. His fingers tightened around her wrist and in the back of her mind, she realized that it should probably hurt but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel anything. A cold numbness had swept across her body.

She looked up at him. She couldn't look away. She wanted this moment – she needed it. She had to memorize him. Jonathan was hers. She closed her eyes, brushing her nose against his ear, almost nuzzling him. He said her name but it sounded so far away, she barely heard it and she couldn't seem to acknowledge the sound. The numbness was enveloping her mind. She remembered reading once that smell could be the most powerful sense. It was the only sense that passed straight into the memory cortex without going through other areas of the body first. The others had to pass through other layers of the brain but the sense of smell, it embedded itself into a person's memory immediately. She would always remember the way Jonathan smelled and at night, she would be able to close her eyes and imagine him there with her. She would never let herself forget.

"I'll never forget," she realized that she had whispered.

"Nancy," Jonathan said again and he lifted his free hand – the other still holding the gun – and his fingers curved around the back of her neck. She pulled her face away to look into his.

She was amazed she wasn't crying yet but she couldn't. This was what she had to do and she knew that they both knew it – no matter what Jonathan said or how hard he fought her. This was what she had to do. This was what would keep Jonathan alive and Jonathan was a fighter. The world was an awful place but it needed a person like Jonathan so much more than it needed someone useless like her. If she died, it wouldn't mean anything but Jonathan wasn't meant to meet his end here. He wasn't going to die because of something like a weak girl holding him back and not letting him do what he did best. Survive.

Her hands cupped the sides of his neck, her thumbs sweeping along his jaw, her eyes locked with his. "I love you," she whispered. "And it will be you. _Always_ you. No matter what… no matter what man is with me… in my mind, I'm only ever going to see _you_."

"Nancy," Jonathan’s voice cracked but she ignored him. This was the way it was going to be.

"You saved me three years ago, Jonathan. That night, you didn't even hesitate. You saw me and you saved me."

She leaned closer, her nose touching his. She just needed to feel him one more time. She kissed him. She kissed him and Jonathan immediately responded, his fingers tightening around the back of her neck. His mouth was hard against hers and his kiss was demanding and her arms slid around his shoulders, holding onto him as his tongue stormed into her mouth, taking her possession of her mouth.

No matter what happened, she swore to herself in that moment that she would never let another man kiss her. Jonathan had been her first kiss. And he was going to be her last.

No matter what.

She wanted to cry but she couldn't. She had to say goodbye. She had to leave him. She had to make sure that no matter what, he and Will would be able to get out there. They had to get far away from there and she had to ensure that they wouldn't be followed. There was enough to worry about outside of these walls – walkers and food and fresh water. She didn't want them to have to constantly look over their shoulder, too. She had to do this for Jonathan. She would do anything for him. For the past three years, he had done anything for her to protect her, to keep her safe.

She thought of her dream she had had a few nights ago in that barn – of Jonathan meeting her parents as her boyfriend and not Will’s older brother. Of the family gathered around the dining room table, eating her mom's lemon chicken and roasted potatoes and laughing and talking. Underneath the table, she remembered the way she had held Jonathan’s hand and he had clasped hers, nervous. In her dream, they had all been happy and together but there had been another part of the dream that she barely remembered but she knew it was clinging to the furthest recesses of her mind like a wisp of smoke, about to disappear into the air. Her stomach swollen with a baby and Jonathan standing with her, his hands touching the bump and they both shared bright smiles and silly kisses.

She was going to be staying behind and soon, going along with Ron and his plan, she would be pregnant. But Jonathan wouldn't be the one with her. She would never see him again. She would stay here and have babies and die here and Jonathan would be somewhere else, somewhere so far away. Maybe, if she lived long enough, years from now, she wouldn't be able to imagine his face perfectly in her mind anymore. Maybe she wouldn't remember his touch or his kisses and all she would have left would be his name and his scent. She would remember the man who had saved her and how she had saved him in return – finally – after three years. But this would be the last time she would see him. She would have her dreams but those would fade, too. She didn't want to forget but... would she?

This was the world now. She was twenty-one. She wasn't a little girl anymore.

She kissed him just a bit harder and then she eased back. "I love you," she whispered.

"You're not doing this," he finally was able to speak, harsh and hard. "I'm going to get us out of here. Together. It's you and me and Will, Nancy. Just the three of us now.”

She stared at him and a small, sad smile formed at one corner of her mouth. "You saved me three years ago, Jonathan," she told him again. "And now, it's my turn to save you."

It happened so quickly and she was amazed it worked at all. Taking the knife from the sheath strapped to her thigh, she lifted it behind his head and brought the heavy handle down, striking him on the back of his skull. She winced as she heard the thunk of it as it impacted. Jonathan stared at her – his eyes able to stay on her for a moment – and then he swayed backwards and he fell, landing on the ground with a heavy thud. She stared at him for a moment before quickly kneeling down, her hand resting on his chest, over his heart. It still rose and fell and he was breathing steadily – just unconscious. He would wake up with one hell of a headache.

But that was okay because he would wake up and that's all she cared about.

She kissed him once and twice and then one more time, her hands on his cheeks. "I love you," she whispered and then forcing herself to collect the thin straws of strength she had managed to grasp, she stood up and looked at Will.

“Please don’t try and stop me,” she said coldly but her eyes pleading. “Please just let me do this.”

Will’s jaw clenched as he looked away. “Nancy, I’m not gonna stop you right now,” he said in a low voice. “But I’m not gonna let this happen to you either.” His eyes met hers and they were hard and that’s all he said. That’s all he _had_ to say.

Leo and Rachel were staring at her, both of them wearing mirrored expressions of shock. She picked her pack up and going through it, she took out everything that would be of use to Jonathan and Will– food and her own guns and… the black fedora. She left it all on the ground next to Jonathan’s leg. Keeping her clothes and the journal he had given her, she slung the pack onto her back, looking at Leo and Rachel.

"Nancy…" Leo began to say but she shook her head.

She then straightened her shoulders and jutted her chin outwards. "Take me to Ron."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont hate me just yet. 
> 
> Also I really loved writing Will being protective over Nancy. It wasn’t much but I thought it was kinda cute.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay screw it I was gonna post this tomorrow but I can’t help myself and I might possibly just finish this story tonight (minus the extra flashback chapter.)

"You mentioned others that were with Ron," she said. It was the first time she had spoken since she had followed Leo and Rachel out from the tunnels, leaving Jonathan and Will behind. Leo had tried to talk to her but she had acted as if she hadn't heard. But now, there were things she needed to know.

"Hank, one of the tower guards that you met and Joshua who you haven’t met are his two main men...behind me,” Leo said.

"What about the other gatekeeper? Keith?" She looked at him.

He shook his head. "Keith won't… Keith guards the gate because…"

Rachel sighed. "Oh, spit it out, Leo," she said. "We're all whores, Nancy," she then said in a completely blunt and detached tone. "Ron acts like he’s in charge of everything and we do whatever Ron wants to make our lives just a little bit easier. I have sex with Ron every week so I can get steak and other food for my restaurant. Leo goes along with Ron because he likes cigarettes and coffee. Keith guards the gate because if he doesn't, his wife is entered into the lottery."

"The lottery?" Nancy swallowed, having a feeling that she really didn't want to hear this but she had to. She had to know everything.

"The women…" Leo was the one to answer. "Those who are available… they're entered into a lottery where the men pick their names-"

"Stop," Nancy shook her head. She changed her mind. She didn't need to know. And she knew all she really needed to know already. Ron was a sick freak. That's all she needed to know for what she was about to do. "Okay," she took a deep breath. "I can do this," she then said, more to herself. And she could. She knew exactly what she had to do.

"Nancy," Leo reached out, touching her shoulder.

She shook her head, cutting him off. "Leo," she stopped walking and turned towards him. She tried her best to give him a smile though she felt like, at any moment, she was going to be sick all over the ground. This was something she had to do though. She had to be brave and just swallow the bile down and do it. She did her best to give a smile. "It'll be okay. I have a plan," she then told both of them.

"You do?" Rachel seemed completely surprised. "But…"

"But in the tunnel…" Leo stared at her.

"What's your plan?" Rachel asked, looking at her with curiosity now.

She didn't answer.

Nancy pulled her shoulders back, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach. The small white church loomed in front of her and as if sensing the ominous mood hanging over her, a thick blanket of clouds rolled over the sun, darkening the land. She looked up at the white, simple rectangle-frame building. There were two men – one standing on either side of the heavy double wooden doors – each with shotguns. They both stared at her and she stared right back, not blinking, trying to ignore the ball of cotton lodged dryly in her throat. She could do this. She could do this. She repeated this to herself as if it was a mantra of sorts and at the moment, that's what it very much was. She had to do this. She had come this far. She couldn't turn away now.

She tried not to think of Jonathan. If she did, she wasn't going to get very far. He had spent three years, able to protect her while keeping himself distanced from her. She wanted to be able to do the same, too. She had to do this and though it was for him, she couldn't think of him right now. He was safe and he would be safe. That's what spurned her forward and she made herself walk up the steps towards the men guarding the doors of the church. They didn't say a word. They simply stared at her.

"I'm here to see Ron," she told them, surprised that her voice wasn't shaking.

Neither said anything for a passing moment and then one of them – a man with one blue eye and one green – snapped a piece of gum he was chewing. "He's waiting for you," he told her and jerked a thumb back behind his shoulder towards the open doors.

She wondered how he knew that she would be coming. She suspected but she had to be sure before she concluded anything.

She nodded and without looking at them again, and without looking back to Leo and Rachel still standing on the sidewalk down below, looking up at her and watching, she exhaled a deep breath and took her first step into the church Ron had apparently claimed as his own. He had claimed this entire town as his despite Will being the one in charge and no one was strong or brave enough to fight him.

Inside, the stained glass windows depicting certain scenes from the bible remained in their frames on either side of the church. The clouds outside had rolled away and the sun appeared again, shining through the multi-colored glass, causing the worn maroon carpet leading up the main aisle to the altar to look as if it was one fire. The heavy dark wood pews remained bolted into the wood floor and on the top step leading up to the altar, Ron sat back, lounging in a relaxed state, a shotgun propped up on the two steps next to him. She quickly scanned the church with her eyes without turning her head. It was only him and now her.

They were alone.

She jumped when the heavy wood doors unexpectedly closed behind her and Ron smirked at her and it only   
made her heart lurch in her chest.

“You are one hell of a woman, Nancy," Ron smiled at her.

"I'm so flattered you think so," she did her best to keep the bite from her tone.

He sat up and stretched his long legs in front of him. "Come here."

She almost refused but there would be no point in doing so. She was here. She had brought herself here. Maybe she should just make things easy for herself.

She walked herself up the aisle, stopping a few feet in front of him. She felt the hairs on her body stand on end as his eyes slowly roved down her body and then up again. He kept smiling that smarmy curl of his lips and she felt nausea brew in her stomach.

"You love that boy?" He asked.

She nodded without hesitation. "More than anything. Nothing is going to change that. No matter what you do," she informed him. He only kept smiling though.

"Leo explained things to you?" Ron asked instead of commenting on her response. She nodded but remained silent. "He already explained to me that he doesn't want you. You were supposed to be for him – he was next in the lottery for the next available female – but he said he probably wouldn't be able to get it up for you." He chuckled. "Even at times like this, at the end of the world, beggars can still be choosers."

She stayed silent. He was trying to embarrass her; to get a rise out of her. She refused to give him the satisfaction of it working.

"Here, men remain with the women for six months before another one tries and only one man at a time. I don't like multiple men sharing a woman. When a child is born, I want them to know who their mother and actual father is," Ron explained.

She couldn't hold it in. "Wow. That's so traditional of you, Ron."

He grinned. "Damn, I see why Jonathan kept you around for the past three years. I gotta say, Nancy, you turn me on more than a woman has in a long time."

She nearly shuddered at that and bit down on her tongue.

"I'm with Rachel but I've decided to keep you for myself, too," he told her.

"Why are you doing this?" She had to ask.

He blinked at her as if he wasn't sure why she would be asking that. But then slowly, he realized that she was serious. "Because, Nancy," he answered. "Women are the future. Women are the only ones who can carry a child. You've been out there for three years. You know. There was a war and we lost. But I'm not going to sit around and wait for the walkers and wait for the rest of the people to become extinct. I'm doing something about it, something that Will refused to do, the weak little shit.”

"By raping women and girls. How noble," she snapped.

Ron stood up so quickly, towering over her, and she frightfully took a step backwards.

"You came to _me_ ," he pointed out to her, his voice low with a sharp edge that made her entire body tense. "I didn't drag you here, kicking and screaming. That might lead some to think that you want it."

"Never," she shook her head. "But I'm going to stay here, with you. I'll let you do whatever you want to me and I'll never fight or try to escape. I'll have as many babies as I can if that's what you want. But that's only if Jonathan and Will are allowed to leave here."

"They’ll never leave you behind," Ron shook his head.

"Yes, they will. They’re better off without me. Jonathan’s always known that."

"But he’s in love with you. Any idiot with eyes can see that.” And just saying that made Ron’s face screw up in an expression of disgust. He tried to mask it quickly though. "You think you saved them?"

"I know I did," she nodded with confidence. "This is the way it has to be. They aren’t stupid. If we had managed to escape here, you would have gone after us."

Ron smiled again. "Well, I'm not going to deny that."

She was quiet for a moment. "Let them go and don't go after them and I'll stay here with you," she said, staring into his eyes.

He nodded without pausing much to think. "Agreed," he smiled. "I still think they’re going to try and rescue you."

"One man against an entire town of horny, insane men with shotguns? They aren’t idiots and those odds are terrible. They’ll realize that," she said.

He stepped down from the altar and stood in front of her. He reached out and brushed his fingertips along one of her cheeks. She flinched and he smirked.

"You'll get used to it," he said. He then slowly began to lean down but she jerked her head away, clenching her jaw. He laughed a little. "It's okay, Nancy. Kissing isn't a necessary part of it."

She glared up at him. "I hate you," she said though the words were useless. What did they even mean? What she felt towards Ron was so far past hate, she didn't even know if there was a word to describe her feelings.

Her words made him laugh. He tossed his head back and with his mouth open towards the ceiling, he let out a powerful laugh from the depths of his belly. She ground her teeth together, taking another step back. He looked at her again, amused, and his eyes made their way up and then down her body. They stopped when he saw the knife strapped to her thigh. Without a word, he kneeled down in front of her and her entire body stiffened.

"I can't let you keep this," he said, beginning to unbuckle the strap.

"Wait," she put her hands on his shoulders, startling them both. "Jonathan, he… he gave me that. I'll take it off and put it in my pack." Ron tilted his head back to look at her. She stared into his eyes, once again, forcing herself to gather her courage. "Please," she whispered and her hands left his shoulders to reach down, sliding her hands over his.

Slowly, his eyes never leaving hers, his hands slid from her thigh. He stood up again and he nodded ever so slightly, his arms crossed in front of his chest now. Her heart skipped.

"Put it in your bag," he ordered her. "And then take your clothes off. Let me see you."

She felt sick and she turned her head away, not able to look at him. She moved the straps of her pack from her shoulders and she grabbed it before it could fall heavily to the floor. She gently set it down in one of the pews and then with shaky fingers, she undid the buckles of the sheath, loosening and then removing the knife from her thigh. It was a heavy hunting knife – the sort used to slit the throats of animals caught so the blood could be drained from their bodies. Her fingers tightened around the hilt as she felt the familiar weight in her hand. Jonathan had grabbed it for her when they had been in Ethics, Washington all of those years before from a sports store when they had been gathering supplies after their first night in the fire watchtower. They had grabbed guns and sleeping bags and flashlights and batteries and anything else that Nancy had felt they would need to survive in the woods. But before they left, he had smashed one of the glass cases and had grabbed several knifes, handing her one.

She looked at it now. She had killed walkers with this blade but she had never felt as if the walkers deserved it. She supposed that maybe she had never gotten better at shooting was because she had never felt comfortable killing them – even if they had already been dead. But now, here was a man – a despicable man. Would she feel alright killing him?

"It was Rachel, wasn't it?" She asked, still holding the knife, turning back towards Ron.

He still stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, watching her.

She continued. "You knew that me, Jonathan and Will were in the tunnels because Rachel told you. You knew that I was on my way to see you without them because Rachel told you. You let her get our packs and Kermit and bring them to us again. You wanted us to feel safe with her."

With a smile, he reached into his ear and pulled out the tiniest radio piece – nothing more than tiny black bud – holding it up. "She knows better than to keep secrets. We help one another in our relationship." He returned the radio to his ear. "Why didn't you follow her? Down there, when Leo found her and brought her back to you, she said that there was a way out but Jonathan immediately shot her down and you eagerly sacrificed yourself."

"Jonathan and I never trusted her," she explained. "Yesterday, when you brought us to her restaurant and we met her, she looked at Jonathan in a way we both recognized."

"And what way was that?"

She swallowed. "She looked at him like she wanted him. She looked at him like I've seen men look at me."

"And a woman wanting a man, that's a reason not to trust her?" Ron seemed amused.

"We knew that she was working with someone all along. We just didn’t know who.”

"But why trust Leo?” He asked.

She shrugged. "Jonathan never trusted him. I do though. Maybe I shouldn't but I do. The way he talks about his mom… it's the way I try to remember my own mom. He was an only child and he loved her and took care of her."

"So a mama's boy is trustworthy?" Ron smirked. "Leo might be offended by that."

"You also said that I was intended for Leo but he doesn't want me," she pointed out to him. "Already, he's infinitely times better than you."

“Everyone understands," Ron said, his smile disappearing and his face hardening. "You’re just too stubborn and blinded by morals that don't even exist in this world anymore. Without babies, we're extinct, Nancy."

She stared at him. "You truly think that even with the world the way it is now, this is the right thing to do?"

He didn't answer. He didn't have to. He truly believed in everything he was doing here.

"Ron!" Rachel suddenly screamed from outside and into the earpiece so loudly, Ron flinched and Nancy leapt with surprise.

"Rachel?" Ron spoke, hitting the earpiece.

Silence.

He strode past Nancy, all but pushing her aside, and threw the doors of the church open. The two men that were standing on the front steps were now lying on the ground, bleeding, their eyes wide open. Dead. Rachel was lying on the sidewalk, bleeding from her chest, a trail of blood slowly seeping from the corner of her mouth. Nancy didn't want to look but she couldn't turn away. Leo stood, unharmed, but in shock of what he had just seen, his mouth open, the shotgun limp in both hands.

And in the middle of the street, there stood Will, smoke still curling in wisps from the end of his gun. She saw that he had used a silencer attached to the gun. She almost smiled. There was movement coming down the street and immediately, Jonathan was right by his brother’s side, turning towards where the movement came from. He pulled the trigger of his gun that also had a silencer and Hank, the gatekeeper, crumbled to the ground. Jonathan turned back to Ron and Nancy, still standing in the doorway of the church, looking at him.

"How's your head?" She asked him.

Jonathan smirked. "Next time, don't hit so hard."

She smiled and shrugged. "I had to make it look realistic."

"It was… an act?" Leo stuttered.

Ron and Jonathan stared at one another, mirror images of two old West gunslingers. Except Ron was unarmed, his shotgun still on the altar instead of the church.

"But…" Leo tried to catch up with what he was seeing. "But in the tunnel…"

Nancy smiled faintly, her eyes never leaving Jonathan. "Three years is a long time to be with someone and only them. Jonathan has become quite the expert at reading my mind."

"Did you really think that I would let her go?" Jonathan asked, staring at Ron, his gun aimed directly to his head. His arm was steady, his eyes cold and intense. "Do you think that I would just leave and let you have her?"

“Or that I’d just roll over and let you get away with this shit?” Will added sharply.

"You don’t know these two very well, do you?” She said to Ron. "You see Will? He was a child when the outbreak started, and he _survived_. He’s a survivor and a fighter and stronger than anyone here gives him credit for. And Jonathan...he’s my savior.”

"And she's my girl scout," Jonathan added with a small smirk. "We don't go anywhere without the other."

Her palm felt sweaty but she had to do this. No hesitation or double-guessing. Raising her arm, she brought the knife down, right into Ron’s back. She cringed when she felt the blade scrape against bone. His eyes widened and his mouth twisted in pain as he groaned loudly, stumbling forward, tripping down the steps. Leo took a step back as if he thought he was next. Will stepped forward and fired, because if anyone was going to kill Ron then it _should_ be Will, and the force of the bullet between his eyes pushed Ron back. He fell backwards, landing heavily, his head cracking as it landed on the bottom step.

Nancy closed her eyes and finally turned away. She couldn't look anymore. Her hands were shaking and there was sweat on the top of her lip. She licked it away as she went back into the church. She collected her pack and she grabbed her sheath. Her hands couldn't stop shaking and she felt moments away from throwing up.

She had just helped kill a man. A man. Not a walker. But a man. He was a horrible man though. She tried to tell herself this. But did that justify it? Everything he had done… did that make what she had just did alright? She thought of the women and the girls in the town. They would be safe now. She and Will had to kill him. Ron had been right about one thing. The morals of the old world might not apply to anything anymore.

She stepped out of the church and not looking down, she stepped over the two bodies. She came down the steps, giving a wide distance between herself and Ron and she went immediately to Jonathan. She dropped her pack and sheath on the ground and rushed for him. She slammed into his chest and Jonathan wrapped her up in his embrace with his one good arm, holding her tight. She closed her eyes, trying to get as close to him as she could, pressing herself to his chest. She couldn't help it. She began to shake with tears.

"We're okay," Jonathan told her softly, his chin on top of her head. "You did it, Nancy. You were brilliant. We're okay," he said again.

She couldn't stop crying even as she heard his words. Her head was pounding. She sighed and pulling her head back, she looked up at him, wiping her damp cheeks with one hand. His eyes were dark but the coldness had faded and now, he was nothing but concerned for her. His arm remained wrapped around her, keeping her close.

She shook her head. "I really hate settlements."


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay fine I’m finishing this tonight lol. I have no willpower!

She wasn't sure how long they had been sitting in the bathroom of the restaurant that had once belonged to Rachel but it must have been an hour or longer. And in that entire time, neither one of them had exchanged a word. She had no idea what to say. She had washed her hands and her face but now, she sat on the floor, staring at her hands, convinced that she could still see a hue of red. Blood. She rubbed at her skin over and over again but she couldn't seem to get rid of it. Jonathan sat next to her, silent, staring ahead at nothing. Neither knew what was going on outside of the locked door. Leo and Will had muttered something about burying or burning the bodies and Jonathan had taken her hand without a word, dragging her into this restaurant's bathroom and locking the door securely behind them.

"Stop," he said suddenly, startling her, his voice low and gruff, and he reached over, covering her hands with one of his. She had been rubbing at it again. "There's nothing there," he told her and she flushed.

She looked at him. His face, everything about him, was completely void of any type of expression and she had no idea what he was thinking. She moved one of her hands and clutched his one between both of hers, rubbing her thumb back and forth along his knuckles. She expected him to shake her touch off but he didn't. "You're so different now," she whispered. His eyes finally moved to look at her. "You've been so affectionate and… funny…" she looked down at his hand between hers. "Please don't close up on me, Jonathan," she whispered.

He was quiet for a moment and then he shifted. They were sitting on the hard floor, leaning back against the wall behind them between the sinks and the toilet stalls. "Nancy," he said and she lifted her head for her eyes to meet his. "You know everything now. What I did to that family, I've been driving myself insane for the past three years, trying to keep all of that, and myself, from you. But now you know. I don't have anymore secrets."

"Is that the only reason why you pushed me away so many times?”

“I pushed you away because I didn’t want to fall in love with you. I wanted you, but I didn’t wanna allow myself to have you. I didn’t want to hurt you, even though I know I did. I don’t know how else to explain it, Nance. There are reasons I have that don’t even make sense to _me_.”

She leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” Through everything, over the past three years, no matter how awful things had gotten, no matter how dark everything had appeared to be, he had always been right there next to her. The world was spinning madly on its axis and he was the only thing stable and sturdy in her life.

Jonathan moved his arms, wrapping one around her, pinning her close to his body. She draped her legs over his lap and resting her hand on his chest, she could feel his heart, steady and strong, beating beneath her fingertips. She closed her eyes and felt him rest his cheek on top of her head.

"You've killed walkers before but today, you helped kill a man," he said quietly. "And I don't know what to say to make it better because I would have killed him if Will hadn’t.” She swallowed, closing her eyes and nodding. "It's something I don't want you getting used to.”

She smiled faintly, her eyes still closed, and her heart flipped a little in her chest. That was why she loved him. He truly was her warrior. He protected her and she knew that he always would.

"Did you ever see Casablanca?" She asked and then laughed as soon as she did.

"Uh, no," he grunted and she laughed a little bit more, lifting her head from his chest and looking at him. He looked at her and she leaned in, staring into his dark eyes, the tip of her nose brushing against his.

"There's this line that the woman says to the man. I don't know why I just thought of it," she shook her head. "You know me though. My mind never seems to make much sense."

His lips quirked a little. "What's the line?"

"It's silly," she blushed but then she dipped her head down and rested it again on his chest. His arm tightened around her. " _With the whole world crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love,"_ she whispered.

He didn't say anything and she was glad. Her cheeks were warm and she felt silly. The bathroom fell silent again except for the dripping sink. She was listening, though, and she knew Jonathan was, too. There was a slight tension in his body and he wasn't allowing himself to completely relax. He was listening for sounds outside of the bathroom, trying to determine what was happening on the other side of the locked door. She couldn't hear anything and she wondered if he could. How many more people were actually on Ron’s side and not just working for him for certain perks and privileges? Would there be those who would be outraged over Ron’s death and try to kill them?

"We have to get Will and get out of here," she whispered suddenly.

"I know. I'm just thinking."

"I can crawl through the ceiling again," she offered.

"Again?"

She smiled a little. "When you were shot, I didn't know what was out there so I climbed through the ceiling to see," she explained and when he didn't say anything, she lifted her head to find him staring at her, a look of amazement in his eyes. "What?" She laughed, almost feeling a little uneasy with how he was looking at her.

"So you crawl through a ceiling and dig a bullet out of my shoulder," he stated.

"Yes…" she answered a little unsurely.

He smirked then and shook his head slightly. "My girlfriend is such a badass," he joked.

"Oh, shut up," she rolled her eyes and pushed him in the chest. He winced a little and she instantly gasped. "Oh, Jonathan. I'm sorry. Is it your shoulder?"

He shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment. "I'm okay." His breathing seemed a little uneven though. With hurried fingers, she gently adjusted the self-made sling and made sure that he hadn't torn the stitches and was bleeding through the bandages. She sighed with relief when she saw that he hadn't.

"You need your rest," she said softly. "We can stay here for a few more days-"

"No fucking way," he instantly shook his head. "We're leaving as soon as we stand up and after I go to the bathroom."

She looked at him for a moment, studying him closely. He did look alright. Just a little tired but then again, they hadn't gotten that much sleep the night before and he had just been shot a few hours earlier. It had been a pretty awful, eventful day. The last thing he needed to be doing was walking through the desert and then sleeping on the hard ground.

"We stay for one more night," she said. "We sleep one more night in a real bed and get some actual sleep and then we'll leave first thing tomorrow morning. Refreshed."

He looked at her intently for a moment. "You think we'll get any sleep tonight if you and me are in bed together again?" He asked.

She rolled her eyes. "Pig," she frowned at him and he smirked.

There was a knock on the door that made her jump from surprise and Jonathan immediately grabbed the gun that was resting on the floor next to him.

"Hey," it was Will. "I'm making grilled cheese for dinner. I've made plenty for you two if you're hungry. Actually, I don’t care if you’re hungry or not. You’re eating either way.”

She and Jonathan looked at one another, both amused. Jonathan rolled his eyes though there was a small smile on his face and Nancy laughed. Gently, he pushed her to the side and he stood up. She stood up as well.   
When the door was open, they saw that Leo was standing there next to Will, smiling almost nervously.

"Hey," he greeted them. "I got your packs and I stopped by the armory. I got everything I thought you would need. I even filched some grenades for you but I left the bazooka. I didn't think you would want to lug that around with you. Oh, and Kermit's here, too. I'm feeding him some hamburger meat. I cooked it first," he quickly added.

Jonathan stared at him for a moment and then looked back to her again.

She stepped forward, smiling faintly. "Thanks, Leo," she said, taking the lead. Then she turned to Will. "And we're starving. Grilled cheese sounds amazing."

"And tomato soup, too," Will said. "Remember mom used to make tomato soup with the grilled cheese, Jonathan? The times she actually didn’t burn it, I mean.”

Jonathan laughed and a small smile crossed his face. “I remember.”

"Hey, sweetheart, are you gonna stand there talking or are you gonna make some goddamn grilled cheese? We’re fucking starving here,” Leo said with a raised eyebrow, though everyone knew he wasn’t being serious.

Will scowled and flipped him off before winking at Jonathan and Nancy and heading down the hallway towards the kitchen. Jonathan slipped out of the bathroom and she followed him out into the restaurant. Their packs were resting on the floor near a table and the table, itself, was covered with all sorts of guns, ammunition, knives and she counted four grenades. She picked one up, having never seen or held one before. It was heavy and she saw the pin at the top. She quickly set it down again – carefully.

"Good?" Leo asked, coming up behind them.

Jonathan picked up a 9mm pistol, aiming it towards the front door, testing the weight. He then nodded, setting it down on the table. "Good," he agreed. "Where is everyone?"

"Town meeting. Will and I burned the bodies," Leo went around the counter and filled three glasses with water from the tap. "I think we're going to have Keith be in charge now."

"Keith? Really?" She thought of the slightly overweight man with thinning hair.

"He's a good man," Leo nodded. “Will’s leaving with you guys so we’re gonna need someone like Keith.”

"Thank you," she said as he handed her one of the glasses of water and she took a sip, watching him. "And what about you? What are you going to do now?" She asked.

He shrugged, leaning against the counter behind him, crossing his arms over his chest. He was quiet for a moment and then he shook his head. "I don't know," he finally said.

She took another sip of water and looked at Jonathan. He was still taking inventory of their new weaponry but he was able to feel her eyes on him and he lifted his head, meeting hers. They stared at one another for a moment and then he shrugged his shoulders before picking up another pistol. She was so glad that he was able to read her mind like that.

She looked back to Leo. "We’re still heading to Savannah. You can come-"

"No," Leo shook his head, quickly cutting her off. "I mean, thank you but I'm going to stay here." He looked around the worn-down restaurant before back at her. "Despite everything, I've gotten used to living here. It's home now. You know?" He shrugged.

Home. She looked to Jonathan again. They didn't have a home. They had been wandering for so long. Hopefully, that would change. When they got to Savannah, maybe things would change and they would finally have a home where they could stay and be safe. She thought of her parents' home – the home she had grown up in. She wanted that again.

"And besides, with Ron gone…" he trailed off and looking at both of them, Leo cleared his throat nervously. "It'll be better here with Keith. You two can stay-"

This time, it was Nancy to shake her head quickly. "No," she said. "No way."

Leo smirked. "Right." He pushed himself from off the counter. "I'll go help Will. Is that everything you need?" He then asked Jonathan, his head nodding towards the table.

"This is more than enough," Jonathan said and then after a moment, added, "Thanks."

Leo nodded and with a smile, disappeared into the kitchen. Seeing her pack on the floor, she dropped to her knees and quickly began going through it, making sure that everything was still there. She sighed with relief when she saw that it was. She saw the sheath she had dropped in the street and she quickly buckled it to her thigh again, pulling the knife out. It was still tainted red with blood. She felt her stomach roll and she quickly sheathed it again, not wanting to look at it. Leo must have pulled the knife from Ron’s back to return it to her. She didn't know if she wanted it anymore though.

"Hey," Jonathan said and she tilted her head up towards him. "Here." He dropped the black fedora hat onto her head and she laughed a little, standing up, straightening it so it was settled better over her hair. "I'll be glad to get out of here and back out there," he said, pulling a chair away from the table and sinking down heavily into it. He winced a little and she noticed immediately.

Standing between his legs, she carefully unknotted the sling from around his neck and putting it down, she then tenderly pulled the bandages off. He needed fresh ones. She turned and retrieved the first-aid kit from where it remained on the floor from his earlier surgery. She set it on the table and stood between his legs again. Taking his glass of water, she dunked a napkin into it and began blotting at the black stitches in his shoulder.

"I miss the open space," she nodded and he nodded with agreement. "I think there's a part of me… I think I've almost forgotten how to be around people."

Finishing cleaning his wound again, she grabbed fresh bandages and white tape. She concentrated on her work as she felt him staring at her. He slowly lifted his hands and rested them heavily on her hips, keeping her between his legs. He didn't say anything and she didn't say anything either but it was a comfortable silence – one that developed between two people who had been through everything together.

"I love you, Jonathan," she then whispered, pressing down on the tape, making sure it stuck firmly to his skin.

"I love you, Nancy," he whispered back and she couldn't help but smile faintly at that. His hands gave her hips a squeeze. "Should I get you a ring?" He asked unexpectedly. “We’re practically married anyway, right?”

She couldn't help but laugh a little and shook her head. "No to the ring,” she said. “But yes to us being practically married.” She then leaned down and pressed her lips to his forehead.

The door to the kitchen swung open and Will emerged, holding a tray filled with plates and bowls. "Three after-school specials," he announced with a grin.

He set the food down on the counter – four plates with a crispy grilled cheese sandwich on each and three bowls full to the brim with red hot tomato soup. It smelled amazing and she could feel her stomach rumbling. She helped Jonathan put the sling back on, knotting it and slipping it over his head before guiding his arm into it. They then moved to the counter, sitting down on the cracked red vinyl swivel stools.

"This smells incredible, Will," she smiled at him. "Thank you. Not just for this, but for everything.”

Will smiled softly. “What are you thanking me for? We’re family, right?” She smiled back and nodded. They _were_ family now. “Besides, it’s been a hell of a day." He took a large bite of his sandwich, the toasted bread crunching loudly.

"Is there a back way out of here?" Jonathan asked, blowing on a spoonful of soup. "We get out of here but we don't want to go through the front gates."

"Oh…" Leo shifted on his feet. "There are people in the town who will want to see you. To thank you for what you did."

"They don't have to do that," she shook her head. "We just want to leave."

Leo still looked a little unsure. "Okay…" he responded slowly. "No problem. Are you going to leave soon?"

"As soon as we're done eating," Jason answered.

Will shrugged, clearly not giving a shit one way or the other. “I’ve already said my goodbyes.”

"Okay," Leo said again. "Are you sure you don't want to see anyone before you go, Nancy? Jonathan?”

She shook her head again. "They don't have to thank us. It was something that had to be done," she took a small bite from her sandwich. "Keith really is a good man?" She asked.

"He is," Will nodded. "Everyone here is a good person for the most part. The ones still alive anyway. But after everything that's happened…" he turned his head and looked out the large front glass-plate window. "I think people have just forgotten what good is." 

* * *

 

Stuffed with more than enough food and their packs heavy with fresh supplies, Leo led them through rows of apple trees at the far end of the settlement, stopping at the high fence, a narrow gate in front of them. He pulled out a key and unlocked it, pulling it open, the metal gate squeaking on its hinges. It clearly hadn't been opened for a long time. On the other side, the New Mexico desert stretched as far as they could see.

"Alright," he took a deep breath. "This gate faces south. Keep heading south for a couple of miles before you start heading east. The snipers won't pick you up from a couple of miles away. I'll tell everyone tonight you left already."

"Thank you, Leo," she stepped forward. "Thank you so much for everything."

"I should thank you three. Everything's going to be different now." He fiddled with the keys in his hands. "You take care of yourselves, okay?"

“Be safe, Leo,” Will said, shaking his hand.

Nancy nodded and then she wrapped her arms around his shoulders in a hug. He immediately hugged her in return, his arms tight around her waist.

"You have everything you need?" He asked as she slowly extracted herself from him.

"We're good for the next couple of towns," Jonathan said. He paused a moment and then stuck out his right hand. Leo shook it firmly. "You sure you don't want to come with us?"

"Nah," Leo shook his head, a lazy grin spreading across his face. "Four’s a crowd. I'm needed here anyway. A male model from L.A. who's turned into a farmer. If they still made movies, my story would be prime telling."

She laughed and stepped forward, hugging him again. "We'll see you again," she said even though they probably wouldn't. Still, it was something nice to say and he smiled.

He nodded. "See you soon."

"Come on, Kermit," Jonathan said and with a gun drawn, he slipped through the gate's opening first, the dog trotting out after him.

Nancy gave Leo another small smile. "Have a good night," she said and he grinned.

And with her own gun drawn, she followed Jonathan and Will, slipping past the gate and stepping out into the wide open desert. Leo closed the gate behind them with a heavy slam and she heard him locking it tight once more, keeping everyone in and everything else out.

She took a deep breath. She could finally breathe again.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go after this for the official end of the story! Sad and excited at the same time :/

Following Leo's instructions, they walked south and as always, Jonathan led the way with her behind him and Will next to her. Kermit trotted on the other side of her, sniffing at the ground. Jonathan had his gun drawn but it hung at his side. To the casual eye, it would seem as if he was relaxed but they both knew better. At the slightest hint of movement not made by any of them, Jonathan would have his gun drawn and aimed faster than a person could blink. She walked behind him at a slower pace but still keeping up, studying the full map of the country in the atlas. She then turned to the page of New Mexico and finding the tiny dot of Errol, she drew her finger down the path they were walking.

Before sunset, they arrived outside of a small desert town – deserted of all people – and white sheets flapping from doorways and windows left over from the plague. They moved slowly, carefully, checking into stores and the empty homes. They had all of the supplies they needed so they didn't stop to forage for anything. They moved on and climbing over a small hill that overlooked the valley in which the town laid in. It was decided between them all without speaking that this is where they would bunk down for the night. They were all exhausted and the instant they took their packs off, they both sank down onto the ground. Jonathan leaned back against his pack, using it for support, and he closed his eyes. A soft breeze blew, rustling his black hair, and he looked so young when he was on the verge of sleep. She had always thought so and she watched him now.

She took out her canteen of water and poured some into a dish for Kermit, who lapped at it thirstily and she took her own greedy chug as she went back to studying the atlas, now spread open in her lap. The sun was setting, the last of the light fading, and they weren't going to start a fire or even flip on a flashlight. They hadn't seen a walker since leaving Errol but they weren't going to push their luck. They were attracted to light and they needed their rest – not an attack.

"If we start heading east again, we'll cross into Texas and then into Oklahoma," she said quietly to Will, who was laying down but not sleeping. "Getting to Savannah will take us a while. We have a long way to go," she told him.

Will didn't respond for a minute and then slightly, he nodded. "We'll get there."

She sighed. "Get some sleep. I'll take first watch," she whispered to him. He simply nodded again and within minutes, she knew that he had drifted off.

The sun was almost completely gone now, the last remaining streaks of pink and purple fading into dark blue and the black of the night sky. Stars twinkled overhead and she was grateful to hear the familiar sounds of the desert. Fluttering of bug wings, soft rustle of the wind, Jonathan and Will breathing next to her.

So much had happened over the past day that now, when it’s just the three of them, comfortable to be out in the open desert again, her mind began to whirl, catching up with everything. She looked to Jonathan as he slept. Just a few days earlier, she hadn't known anything about him and now, perhaps, she knew too much but she wanted that. She wanted to know everything about him and she figured she could get some stories out of Will when Jonathan wasn’t listening or around.

She looked down to her hands in her lap even though the darkness of the night stopped her from seeing them clearly. She had killed a man today. Not a walker but an actual man. She had plunged her knife into his back and had gotten his blood on her hands. She didn't know if she would ever be okay with that even though she knew that killing Ron had been necessary in a way. He hadn't been a good man. What he was doing to the women in Errol, the world was already an awful place. Why make it even worse? All she could think of was herself and Holly and her mom being in a place like that and how she couldn't bear the thought of anyone living like that. Killing Ron had to be done and she knew that everyone in Errol had been too terrified to make the move. So she and Will had done it for them. Killing Ron, taking that man's life, it had been the only way.

She told herself all of this and the majority of her brain completely understood. But the smallest part wouldn't let her forget that despite all of that, Ron had been a man. Not a walker. He had been a man. And she had killed him.

Feeling anxious, she stood up. There was nothing but silence. Over the past three years, she had taught herself to rely solely on her hearing when it came to the darkness. Forget about her sight. Her ears, when trained properly, would never betray her. Walkers made that shuffling sound of their feet when they moved and right now, she heard nothing except the sounds of the desert around her. Kermit was also asleep and the dog would pick up any noises out of the ordinary. Still, she remained standing, as if she was waiting.

She let the boys sleep through the night. Jonathan and his shoulder needed the rest more than her, and she owed Will a bunch. When the sun began to peek its head above the eastern horizon again, she left where they slept just long enough to gather enough sticks for a fire. By the time Jonathan stirred and opened his eyes, waking up, a small fire was blazing and she was eating a piece of bread from the several loaves that Leo had given them before they had left. Jonathan gave her a look but she didn't say anything and neither did he. They weren't going to argue about it. There had been plenty of nights when he had let her sleep the whole time without waking her. It was her turn to return the favor. She handed him a piece of bread and they sat side-by-side next to the fire, while Will still slept, feeling the warmth of the flames and settling into a comfortable silence that had been entirely theirs for the past three years.

Within a half hour, they had killed the fire and woke Will up and, slinging their packs onto their backs, they began walking again – this time, towards the sun.

East. Always east.

"Jonathan," she finally spoke after nearly two hours of walking in silence. He immediately stopped and turned to look at her, his gun drawn up, ready to be aimed. She shook her head and pointed. "Ahead. Prickly pears," she said and he nodded, understanding.

Large, colorful blossoms appeared usually in shades yellow, pink, red or purple and grew from the tips of the flat paddled shapes of the prickly pear cacti which then later ripened into delicious red fruit. Anytime she and Jonathan passed the cacti and saw the fruit cultivating from it, they tried to harvest as much of it as they could while she made sure that they left plenty behind so more could grow and the animals that relied on it could still harvest their own supply. Besides survival and taking care of yourself, you also had to respect nature.

"Be careful," she warned him as she always did, weary of the sharp needles of both the cactus and the hair-like spine needles of the fruit.

Jonathan pulled his sword from the sheath on his back and was able to cut three down from the cactus, letting them fall to the ground. The needles on the fruit were so fine, it was difficult to remove from the skin – as both of them had discovered over the past three years from trial and error. She gathered them carefully, storing them in a small bag for now. When they stopped for lunch, they would light another fire and pass the fruit through the open flame to remove the needles. They had to eat them soon. Once the fruit was removed from the cactus, it was quick to spoil.

They began walking again, this time, side by side while Will followed a little behind with Kermit, giving them some space. She felt Jonathan glancing over to her.

"What?" She had to ask.

He shook his head and slid his sword back into the sheath on his back. "You never thought we were on equal ground," he stated and she remained quiet because it wasn't exactly a statement she could argue with. She had always thought herself to be a burden on him. She still did. "But you realize that without you, I would have never survived, right? You realize that, don't you?" She shrugged and didn't say anything. He stopped walking and curled his fingers around her elbow, stopping her, too. He looked down at her and she tilted her chin up, looking at him. "I'm serious, Nancy. You've never thought you were strong but you don't think about everything we've been through together. Everything in the past three years, what I've been through, you've been through, too, and we're both here. That means something."

"I'm only here because of you, Jonathan," she told him for the countless time.

"How can you still think?" He sighed, sounding frustrated. "Especially after Errol? Without you, I never would have been able to cross this fucking never-ending desert. And who knows if Will and I would have made it out of Errol alive?”

That made her pause and she kept staring up at him as his eyes remained locked with hers. It amazed her how much she loved him. She had always loved him. In the past few days, she had realized just how much and now, there was no reason to hide it or question it. He was Jonathan and everything about him, she loved. She took a deep breath and reached up and touched his cheek.

"Well, then, we're even because without you, I wouldn't be alive either," she answered.

He didn't say anything to that. He took her hand from his cheek and kissed the inside of it. She smiled and they began walking again.

Will made a gagging noise and they ignored him.

Within two more hours, they reached another desert town. This time, they stopped and she found a rack of postcards in the general store – Joliet, Texas. They were in Texas now.

She slipped the postcard into her bag like she did with every other one she came across and Will and Jonathan gathered paper notebooks and old paperbacks – cheap mystery and romance novels. She followed them through the back of the store and there, they lit another fire, using the paper as kindle. Jonathan watched as she carefully took the pieces of fruit and guided them across the flames, able now to shed the needles from the skin without hurting her own flesh. When one was done, she handed it to Jonathan so she could work on the others and Will took his own hunting knife after watching them, cutting the fruit in half and ripping it open.

They all froze when Kermit began growling lowly and the fur on his back stood up. Jonathan immediately dropped the fruit and drew his sword, standing and taking a stance. She stood up as well, pulling her gun out. They heard the shuffle and her heart began to hammer. She was wondering where the walkers were. They hadn't seen any since they left Errol and although she knew some of the men in Errol went on hunting parties, she doubted that they had driven this far to kill walkers.

The walker had smelled their scent and the smoke and it came shuffling around the side of the building. Kermit began barking. There was only one – that they could see. She used to be a woman but most of the side of her face had long since decayed and they could see the bones of her jaw and the teeth of her mouth. Her hair was long, black and stringy. Everything else about her – her skin and her eyes – were pale, milky white.

Jonathan didn't wait for the walker to shuffle closer. He met her halfway and quickly, he brought his sword around in a circle, swiftly cutting the walker’s head from its body. The body fell to the ground with a thud that was all too familiar and the head rolled a few feet away towards where Nancy and Will were. Kermit trotted up to it and sniffed at it but Will quickly yanked the dog away when the black blood seeped from both the body and the head, slow rivers seeping through the dusty ground, almost coming in contact with the dog's feet. Even if the dog didn't have any open cuts on his feet, it wasn't something to risk.

Without a word, she kicked at the fire with the dust, smothering it and killing it and she took the fruit, gathering it all up again. They left quickly in case there were more around. Once they were a mile outside of the town and hadn't seen or heard another walker, they began to eat the pieces of fruit as they walked and sipped on their canteens of water. They didn't stop again until the sun began to sink and they set up camp beneath a low shrub tree. The desert was slowly melding into the prairie of North Texas and the scenery was subtly changing around them – more greens and tall prairie grass that rustled in the winds.

They leaned back against the trunk of the tree, watching the sun set and she rested her head against Jonathan’s arm. His hand slid onto her thigh, resting there comfortably. They didn't say anything and not sleeping the night before caught up with her. She drifted off, feeling Jonathan’s strong body and his warmth and his hand on her thigh.

She felt completely safe.

* * *

 

They were near the border of Oklahoma and Arkansas and there was a small town they had stopped in to rest. There had been so many walkers over the past few days – leaving the cities and wandering aimlessly out into the open space. They were all exhausted, barely able to sleep at night as they kept on constant guard, always killing or running.

This town seemed deserted though and miraculously enough, it still had running water. Will took his shower first and then Nancy with Jonathan standing guard and now, he was in the shower, bathing himself as she stood at the sink, looking at her reflection in the mirror as she combed through her dark hair, listening past the sound of the steady rhythm of streams of water hitting the tiled walls, on alert for shuffling. Finally though, she heard nothing.

Jonathan’s shower was quick and the water was turned off within minutes. The door to the bathroom was locked and the steam was thick, swirling around her, fogging over the mirror. There was a small window and she pulled herself up, kneeling on the edge of the sink to push it open, allowing fresh air to enter the small room. The shower curtain was pushed back and she handed him a towel they had found.

Without a word, he stood behind her and his hands rested on her hips. She leaned forward and wiped at the condensation on the mirror. She looked at the two of them in the reflection and he leaned down, brushing his lips across the side of her neck. She closed her eyes. Over the past couple of months, they had been traveling slowly and carefully, making their way east, surviving from day to day as they always did and they had also been exploring one another. During one of their many times together, they had both found that her neck was a highly erogenous area for her and now, she felt her stomach clench and she bit down on her lower lip to keep from moaning as he gently fastened his lips and sucked on the pulse point. Her fingers curled around the sink's edge, holding on, as his hands grasped the sides of her towel and peeled it from her body.

The past few days had been so charged. Now, it was quiet and they both could breathe again. When he turned her around to face her, his own towel was gone, too, and she wrapped her arms around him, her fingers in his wet hair. Their mouths met, open and growing hungrier, and he lifted her easily onto the edge of the sink, her legs spreading for him.

"You're going to have your period soon, aren’t you?” He asked, out of breath, barely lifting his lips from hers to speak.

She shook her head, leaning forward, chasing after his lips with her own. She captured them and kissed him, slanting her mouth over his. Her fingers gripped his hair and she felt his hands running up her thighs, spreading them wider. She already ached for him.

"I haven't had my period since before Errol," she gasped as one of his hands cupped one of her breasts, his thumb brushing across a hardened nipple. She kissed him hard again.

But at the same, her words seemed to hit them both and they broke apart, staring at one another. Their chests were both heaving and their eyes locked together. Her fingers were still in his hair and his hands were grasping her thighs but they didn't move towards one another again. Her words hung over their heads. She hadn't had a period in two months. Errol had been two months ago. Two months ago, she and Jonathan had first had sex. Two months… no period for two months.

She opened her mouth to speak but no words were formed. What could she say? There was one glaringly obvious reason why a sexually active woman would miss her period.

Oh god… it couldn't be possible.

Of course it could be possible.

Jonathan’s entire body was still, frozen in place. His chest even seemed to stop inhaling and exhaling with breath. She tried to say his name but her vocal chords seized in her throat. His dark eyes flicked down and he looked at her still flat stomach and then back up at her. She felt herself shaking her head. No, no way. It wasn't that. It had be stress. Yes, that had to be it. So much had happened over the past couple of months, it was natural for her body to react and be late on account of that.

But she knew, deep down, that in the past three years, she had never been late due to stress. She was late now because she and Jonathan had been having sex without protection and really, it could only be one thing that made absolute sense. Her heart thudded in her chest and she suddenly felt as if she was about to be sick.

She looked at Jonathan and Jonathan stared at her. Neither spoke or moved or breathed. She had gotten better at reading him over the past couple of months but right now, his face was completely blank and she had no idea what he could possibly be thinking. Even she didn't understand the thoughts racing through her own mind.

There was a lump in her throat she tried to swallow down. "I'm pregnant," she whispered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. Baby Byers is’a comin’! 
> 
> Next chapter is the official epilogue and I think you’ll all enjoy it :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the epilogue :)
> 
> I can’t thank you all enough for sticking with me and leaving such wonderful comments and kudos. I’m extremely grateful for my readers and for everyone who gave this story a chance even if they were skeptical about it at first. Thank you all <333

He woke up before dawn, his heart racing from the nightmare still fresh in his mind.

The quickened beats pulsed in his ears and he sounded out of breath. His eyes snapped open, finding the land around them still dark. It was quiet but he still listened, taking deep breaths, slowing his pulse down, confirming that nothing was out of the ordinary – as if anything could ever be considered ordinary anymore.

He turned and looked beside him.

Nancy was curled up on her side, covered with a heavy, wool blanket that they had found in the town that they had passed through the day before. It was cold at night – the sharp sting of winter biting in the air, nearing closer every day – and sleeping on the ground wasn't ideal for a woman in her condition but it was safer for them outdoors. If they slept in a house, it was too enclosed, too tight of a space. Anything could happen. At least, out in the open, they could see something coming and have the room to handle it. They both had developed a bit of claustrophobia over the years.

She slept soundly and he didn't want to wake her. She needed as much rest as she could get. They didn't walk nearly as much during the day as they used to. Her body ached – her back, her ankles – and he didn't want her to be pushed. She had to take care of herself. He had to take care of both of them.

Kermit laid protectively at Nancy’s feet and Will was leaning up against a tree, looking after her as well. Ever since finding out he was going to be an uncle, he’s been just as protective over Nancy as Jonathan was. His eyes met Jonathan’s and he smiled.

Jonathan’s heart had finally slowed down to its normal rate but he knew sleep was gone from him now. He was awake and the day had begun. It wasn't safe to light a fire yet. They couldn't do that until the sun had risen and the walkers would no longer be attracted as much to their flames like moths. He could still find them something to eat. They were surrounded by trees. There had to be a small animal or two who dwelled there that could be caught and offer enough sustenance – at least for breakfast.

He made sure that she was covered completely with the blanket and she shifted in her sleep from his touch, moving towards his body of warmth. He leaned down and brushed his lips across her temple and his hand lingered on the bump of her abdomen. She was four months along now and the bump seemed to grow with each day. They were both endlessly fascinated with her pregnancy. They had taken a few books from a store and both had read them from cover to cover since neither had any idea what to expect in the coming months. The more Nancy had read, the more excited she had actually become. She wasn't scared about the lack of doctors or hospitals or something going wrong.

"Since the beginning of time, women have been doing this. I can do it, too," she had said.

For once, he was the one unsure though he hid his doubt from her. He didn't need to tell her that he was absolutely terrified that a thousand different things could go wrong with her – or the baby – and he didn't know anything about medicine except how to treat bullet or knife wounds. This was so far completely out of his element of comfort, he didn't know what to do. All he knew to do was to keep both Nancy and their baby growing inside of her alive at any cost. He would do anything if it ensured their safety and Nancy knew that. She had such an intense level of faith in him. For the past three years, she had relied solely on him and now, she was more than ever.

He would not fail either of them.

He stood up, stretching his arms and cracking his back. Kermit stood up as well when he saw Jonathan strap his sword sheath onto his back and buckle a gun holster around his thigh.

“Can you stay with her?” Jonathan asked Will, as if his brother was actually going to leave her alone.

Will rolled his eyes. “Get out of here.”

Jonathan smirked and then with one last look to Nancy, still asleep, he turns and stepped from the clearing into the trees that surrounded them, Kermit following.

It was grey – dawn fast approaching – and though he couldn't see far, he could still see. He didn't necessarily need his eyes though. He had trained his ears long ago and that was what he relied on. Eyes could often lie to a person – imagining things that weren't actually there – but if a person built the skill of their ears, that was all a person needed. Jonathan had a gun drawn, ready, and stepped slowly over the uneven terrain of the forest floor. They had passed through Arkansas and now were working through Mississippi.

East. Always heading east. To Savannah.

He forced himself to concentrate that morning and not linger on the nightmare. He had a nightmare almost every single night now and sometimes, he felt more exhausted in the mornings than when he went to sleep the night before. Most times, he couldn't remember but sometimes, he dreamt of Hawkins, and his mother, and of Nancy and a walker biting her and having to kill her with his own hands. Some nights he dreamt of the man he murdered in cold blood, in front of the man’s family.

He heard a rustle in a nearby nest of foliage and he immediately froze, his gun aimed. Kermit growled. It wasn't a walker. The foliage wasn't big enough to hide a body behind and he waited, not moving. He had all the time in the world.

The foliage moved again and then a large grey hare shot out. He fired without hesitating, the shot echoing through the quiet still morning. Birds took off from the branches above and it took seconds for the blast to fade away. And then everything fell quiet again. He paused for another moment, waiting, seeing if it had stirred anything else, but he heard nothing and he finally moved to claim his prize. He lifted the rabbit by its hind legs and he held it up. It was a good size. He would skin it and cook it over the fire he would build. There would be enough meat for all of them – even with Nancy’s growing appetite.

That was another thing he worried about. He needed to keep Nancy fed. Eating vegetables from cans wasn't going to be enough anymore. She had a baby she had to feed now, too.

He hadn't wandered that far into the trees and it took him only a few minutes to emerge back into the clearing. The sky was turning pink and purple with dawn and he saw Nancy was awake now, laughing with Will about what Jonathan’s guessing is another embarrassing story about him.

He playfully glared at them and sat back down where they had set up camp and he pulled his hunting knife from the sheath at his hip. He cut into the rabbit and began to skin it, pulling its fur back, revealing the muscle and meat beneath.

"Look at you," Nancy said, and he lifted his head to see her smiling, watching him. He smiled a little, too. "Bringing home the bacon.” She lowered herself down next to him, her hands resting on the bump – a natural position for her now. She then moaned and licked her lips. "Oh god, I miss bacon."

“And now so do I,” Will muttered flatly.

He smiled a little wider and continued tearing the fur away until it was completely skinned. He then found the bullet embedded in a layer of muscle and he dug it out, tossing it away. His hands were dirty and bloody and the sky was lighter now. It would be okay now. He took a stick from the pile they had lit the night before and as Nancy tied the feet of the rabbit together with a few spare pieces from her pack and then fastened the animal to the stick, he stood to gather more to light. When he had enough kindle, Nancy handed him a cheap romance paperback she had taken yesterday from one of the stores and had already read. He lit it with his cheap plastic BIC lighter and situated it so the branches caught, too. He found two branches tall enough and stabbed each into the ground on either side of the fire before balancing the stick with the rabbit over them, the animal hanging over the flames.

It would take a while to cook but they had time. They moved a lot slower nowadays.

He sat down next to her, the blood on his hands now dry, and she leaned into him, resting her head against his bicep. They watched the fire and the clearing become lighter around them with the rising sun.

"You had another nightmare," she said softly, almost as if she didn't want to say it at all. He didn't answer – both knowing that he wouldn't. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked and then shook her head. "It's okay," she then answered her own question.

He had opened himself up completely to her but he was still quiet. He didn't just open his mouth and start talking. That had never been him and it wouldn't be now. She knew that though he knew she wished for it to be different. He knew she wished he would talk to her more but he didn't see a need to. She knew how he felt about her. She knew he loved her and would protect her and keep her safe. If she knew those things, why did she need to hear the words?

He didn't want to touch her with his blood-stained hands but his hand slid onto her stomach, resting on the bump. She smiled and rested her hand over his, nestling into his side. His other arm wrapped loosely around the small of her back, keeping her close.

"Will and I were talking about names," she told him.

He shook his head. "Not until the baby's born."

She rubbed her thumb along his knuckles. "Everything is going to be fine, Jonathan," she said, her voice quiet yet firm with conviction. She firmly believed in what she said. She looked back at Will for help, but the boy had fallen asleep already. “Do you have any ideas?”

He shifted on the hard ground. Yes, he does. He’s been thinking about it since they found out she was pregnant. "Not yet," he shook his head again, staring into the fire.

She was quiet after that and her thumb continued running along his knuckles. He closed his eyes for a moment. It felt nice. He looked at her small hand covering his large one. Nancy lifted her head from his arm and turning, she tilted her chin up, looking at him. She lifted her other hand and brushed a lock of his black hair back from the corner of his eye. She didn't say anything and he watched as she reached for her pack, pulling out a comb.

Without a word, he shifted and she moved to kneel behind him. The fire popped and crackled and the rabbit slowly cooked as Nancy began to gently run the comb through his tangled hair, humming a song to herself, her fingers running along his scalp. She did this for him most mornings and it was something he always welcomed. The feel of her fingers and the comb raking through his hair, her song, soft and gentle, it brought him a comfort he was able to experience with nothing else.

"Daniel," he said before he even realized it.

"Daniel?" She asked.

He nodded and she worked carefully on a snarl in his hair. "Daniel. For a boy. I’ve always liked that name.”

"Daniel," she echoed and he wasn't looking at her but he heard her faint smile. "It's perfect. I love it. Daniel Michael Byers. What about a girl's name?"

A part of him still didn't want to have this conversation. If they talked about names for their baby, maybe it would shift something in the universe and something would happen. He normally wasn't a superstitious type – not at all – but when it came to Nancy and their baby, he was becoming a man who couldn't be too careful.

"I was thinking...Hope. I just thought it would fit.”

"I love it,” she commented and he actually smiled a little at that.

Her fingers paused in his hair and then her arms slid around his neck and she hugged him from behind, her cheek pressed to his. "Hope,” she said again and then exhaled an almost sad sigh. He lifted his arm and bent it back, resting his hand on the back of her head. "It'll be okay, Jonathan," she whispered, squeezing her arms around his neck.

He allowed himself to close his eyes and lean back against her. It had to be okay. He had Nancy and his brother and they were safe and he and Nancy were going to have a baby. Things were already on their way to being okay. It couldn't very well get any worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know when I’ll get that flashback posted for Will, but I’ll try and have it out soon. In the meantime, I have lots of ideas for new stories and I’m working on a Nancy/Steve one right now that’s called “The Best Man.” It’s another AU and this one is a comedy. The first chapter has already been posted if you’re interested.
> 
> Thank you all again!! *big hugs*


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